tunneling

tweets for the week of 2012-05-13

myriad — Mon, 14 May 2012 01:00:00 +0000

struggling with unbelievably intense feelings that no one will ever want me. ugh. i feel like such an idiot #
I have a sense of loosing ballast after therapy today, which is really the best sense that therapy can give. but we'll see if it sticks. #
feeling emotional, but it seems as if the cravings we could not master are halved since therapy yesterday. i want it, but not so consumingly #
in their place i guess is grief. #
ran out of concentration powers. wish i knew a quick way to renew them #
just randomly wrote for information about guitar lessons. don't know why i felt up to it today. #
for years i didn't take lessons because of social anxiety #
sometimes I read other people's tweets and wish I had an interesting life or interesting thoughts. I'd like to connect. #
drunk person walking past me at the bus stop lunged and yelled right into my face to scare me. I startled and he laughed. badly shaken. #
he was literally 2 or 3 inches from my face with his eyes bulging. it's the fact that it was on purpose that is making it hard to calm down. #
I know it's perfectly reasonable that I am scared, but it's still hard. #
walking home from breakfast alone #
baf time #
sometimes i feel like such an idiot. and not even for any real reason. #
my hips hurt too much to sit down and my head hurts when I use my phone or look at anything. ugh #
finally got to the grocery store. this is really the only time of day it doesn't give me severe panic. just moderate panic. #

i’m not apologizing for whining

myriad — Sun, 13 May 2012 18:41:11 +0000

lately, i’ve been semi-obsessed with thoughts of being kept in a cage or closet or some other confined space. and i feel so stupid, because i know exactly why i might have this… interest. because it was done to me so much growing up. probably for most people that means they wouldn’t go there with me. or it’s bad that i go there. i don’t know. i mean, i know everything i like sexually is from my abuse. our therapist seemed upset to hear us say so. but what can we do? we’ve known that for a long time.

but i guess, i guess mostly we have liked things that the people who only knew us in one context did to us. strangers, for some intents and purposes. maybe that makes it less shameful? but god, my mom did that to me. (i’ve said worse on this journal, but suddenly scared about saying that much. oh well. my bridges are already burnt there, right?) i feel like i must be so bad and sick to want something that happened from my mom. i think it happened from others too. but the memories we have worked with in therapy were of her leaving us there. so it’s so wrong. like we want our mom. ugh. i feel so sick thinking of that. but i know shame is my heritage, and it’ll be there around anything, sometimes thicker than other times, but never actually meaning that i am truly a bad or sick person.

some people would think the things i want are sick, i guess.

oh, but i want them. i guess i was writing here because there isn’t really an outlet. no one i know who is safe would do that to me/for me. i don’t know how to find these things. my social anxiety just kicks my ass when it comes to meeting anyone new for any reason. i don’t know how i’ve done it, before! well. i guess i met people from online, but i don’t even have an online presence anymore. and the anxiety grew like ivy to cover up the tracks i don’t use. i don’t know. it’s not impossible. but it seems and feels impossible to find people with the right kinks. i know part of that is the programming, defeating me before i can get started. but ugh, ugh.

i saw an image somewhere of a slave’s ‘bed’ – a cozy nest-looking thing inside a large cage. i felt so envious. i don’t know why i’m so obsessed lately. i mean, it would be primarily boring. why would i even want it? besides the obvious.

the ones in us who know how to get things can’t work with our new body. it’s tough, because they’re not really boys, so meeting gay boys seems dishonest somehow. i mean, the ones who would even be okay with a trans man. i know there are others like me, with broader sexualities. there’s just such a wall.

i could be such fun for someone. there are so many things i want and would try and could do. but the only confinement i get to have is from my anxiety. and that is not any fun at all.

myriad — Sun, 13 May 2012 13:47:53 +0000

i hate that there is nothing but tweets here.

tweets for the week of 2012-05-06

myriad — Mon, 07 May 2012 01:00:00 +0000

feeling panicky and impending-doom-y. keeping in mind that tomorrow is a hard day. #
i should really keep some meds at work… or at least in my bag. panicpancpanic #
left my phone in my car, don't feel up yet to going down again. #
yesterday and today very tranced out. #
after a meeting, feeling soooo much better about work #
orange juice blackberry smoothie #littleswin http://t.co/eGYHcauD #

tweets for the week of 2012-04-29

myriad — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 01:00:00 +0000

neither of my bosses are here and i don't really have a task… i feel so paralyzed and guilty #
walked home from convention place. whew! i really need to just buy some sort of bus pass #
got our ac all set up again all by ourselfs! #
home from therapy, exhausted. the despair is kicking my ass, like a lead apron constricting every movement #
even recognizing it may be programmed despair doesn't really help. it feels like that doesn't even matter. #
is so tiny you wouldn't believe #
happy birthday to my love @lazyqueer #
is worried #
went to restaurant nobody likes by myself… so tasty! #
ugggh i do not want to go to the grocery store #

tweets for the week of 2012-04-22

myriad — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 01:00:00 +0000

such a headache… sigh #
i'm developing a knack for fucking myself over. and not in a sexy way. if this is what dealing w/ anger does, i'd rather not. #
if people get mad at me for feeling sad, at least i have depression as a defense. for mad at mad i got squat #
feeling lost. and discouraged that i can't feed myself. #
a weird thought… why are we not allowed to talk like littles? #
bed has been so uncomfortable lately. hopefully new sheets will help #
cannot decide whether or not to take the bus tonight… what is wrong with me that this should be so hard? #
wow… carmina burana (the ballet) totally blew my mind. wish my head didn't kill me when i look at anything for more than an hour… #
i'm making a loose resolution to contact someone outside of my immediate circle once every day or couple of days. maybe it will help. #
and hey – if you are someone i know, you can always poke me. i really wish i could broaden my circles #
my mind keeps replaying the second ballet from last night (carmina)… wish i could remember it better. it really impressed us. #
fuck, my head hurts. #
nauseous guess we just hadmemories spinning outofcontrol #
i think perhaps we are scared of sleep. #
really fighting programming. ugh #

Protected: you asked for it

myriad — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 01:12:29 +0000

tweets for the week of 2012-04-15

myriad — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 01:00:00 +0000

it's tough to make inside kids a surprise easter basket, but we tried. http://t.co/xUKCj79U #
we maded tasty cookies from scratch!!!!!!! our back huuuurts from standing. #
it is so hard to find balance. so tired and beat. #
misses all their chances #
hate myself so much I approach everything wrong do everything wrong waste of breath #
angry and sad and worried and very angry at self for feeling anger. but maybe it is better to say it. #
spilled some cinnamon on myself and now i smell like cinnamon. i kind of like it. #
today is turning out to be one of those hard days that is good for staying in touch with yourself…sigh #
i am heavy this morning, hope has ebbed, i am so sick of stupid depression #
not a lot of good feelings in me, no wonder everyone is staying away #
i feel like i'm in one of @lazyqueer's dreams. i'm not. but feels like i angrily explain why i need love and it makes peopl ignore me.nottru #
i wish being lonely didn't deprive me of energy for difficult social encounters. #
ugh. emailed/txted/called most everyone i know. still nothing nobody nothing feels worse than if i hadn't tried. new heights of pathetic, me #
depths? i'd be sorry for spamming you, twitter, but i don't fucking care at this point. #
I (nymph) talked with the therapist almost the whole time -she's actually pretty nice #
(nymph) therapist thinks i need a lot of support so i can choose instead of following programming. #
i keep trying to tell myself it's not forever… i don't believe me. #
I hate how dependent I am. I should just die if I can't live alone. it is never going to get better I guess. #
I haven't been able to work I'm afraid I will lose my job because I'm such an idiot. I can't stop feeling clingy and borderline. #
it's like I suddenly stopped existing. and I just make it worse because I can't stop my feelings. #
you know, programming from childhood is hard, but it's nothing to programming that can be refreshed constantly. this week sucks. #
if that wasn't already obvious #
ordered some new sheeeeets #
we got the bedroom stuff pack in sims 3 for nymph and she is playing… http://t.co/xKFc7Tkg #

your commute is not important to me

myriad — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 19:05:48 +0000

this morning on my way to work, a car turned left directly into an ambulance’s path. sirens, lights, etc. it started from a stopped position and turned left when the light changed, with apparently no investigation of the sirens (or maybe they just didn’t care?) i got so angry. it felt like a key.

yesterday i noticed my anger joylessly, fought with my anger, had a stormy night filled with drinking and playing computer games and jerking off, anything to get away from myself. i always hate to see my anger arrive. i never greet it with love or respect. but i do know this about myself, and try to come around. when i can. it is just so hard, so unwelcome. today i feel resentful of everything. angry because of too much oversight at work. furious at thoughtless, selfish, indifferent commuters. angry that i have to feel anger. angry at the book i’m reading and its stupid fucking ableism. angry because of how fucking hard life is with disabilities, and angry that i feel guilty for them. every fucking day. i could go on and on.

i’m trying to write this in between working. my writing probably suffers for it. everything seems disjointed that way, now, but saying anything at all is still something.

so feeling angry at the car (i believe it was a bmfuckingw) that ignored the ambulance, i tried to realize that my anger has a source. i had tried to identify it but just felt angry, just resentful, just angry at everything. i think sometimes when i don’t know why i’m angry it’s because the reason is not deemed acceptable or worthy. i am so angry at the people with the power, for whom everything is easy but they demand to be easier, who resent even us saying that they are in power, they want everything. freedom without responsibility, which is what they say that anarchy is. (i’m stealing that idea from a talk i watched with margaret killjoy and ursula k leguin.) i’m angry at people who think they are more important than other people.

driving, i think a lot of that becomes clearer. though why in a car more than a scooter, i’m not sure. i guess the scooter occupies my mind more, and somehow it’s easier to think i’m at fault.

speaking of which, i’m fucking heartsick that my scooter is dead and i don’t have the will to revive it. it may only need a jump-start. but i don’t know who to call or how to proceed. meanwhile spring sets in, and the weather is perfectly nice, and it is ridiculous for me to be driving a car around. i’m angry about that, too. i hate anger. it makes me feel so impotent. it shuts me down, blocks all possible action. i know it is foolish and impotent to be angry at my anger. (btw it’s not just mine those people have fucking names.) i know that the key in my healing is to unravel and experience this anger. fuck, that makes me pissed.

working is difficult, concentrating is difficult. it feels like this impotence can defeat me.

mother, i am not less important than you. you are very small-minded and i am furious at you. … right?

there are no magic words. those words were in my head and i thought i’d get credit if i said them. i guess that was foolish. there is no such thing as credit. i want this to work its way out of me, i can’t work, i can’t think, i want to be dead.

tweets for the week of 2012-04-08

myriad — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 01:00:00 +0000

sad and lonely and hating self for it #
i think i'm… happy. and that's scary. #
all up and down #
i hate reading the first book of something i didn't know was a series. and it's worst when others haven't even come close to publication. #
worthless, alone, nauseous, sick
114 #
i want to be like water, flowing. i want to run clear. i am so heavy and clogged. #
anxious alfi's #
ack. that'll teach me to tweet from my phone. #
while walking up stairs #
holy crap I am exhausted. really don't like how hard sleep is getting. #
reminding self that we are allowed to struggle, that it's ok to be affected by easter #
tiiiiired #
i think cynthia is the only one of us that prefers major key songs #
is having a tough day #
or disabled! RT @AndreaPlaid: "Anyone who has ever struggled with #poverty knows how extremely expensive it is to be poor." ~ James Baldwin" #