i hate that there is nothing but tweets here.
Archive for the 'we don’t know who' Category
i feel confused, unsure, off-balance. it is hard not to see the weekend as a window of opportunity. that is, in a bad way. where i feel everything closing in, shutting down, i feel like i will never have another chance. like i am responsible, weekends, for getting a week’s worth of self-care set up. for using time to make life easier for me, to pursue my interests. to reach out. but my system resists using time. it bristles and wrinkles and – here we go – panic. it also resists not using time…
i feel not sure of what to do with myself, there is so much pressure, what will help, what will hurt me, i need to avoid any depressing influence, i need to maximize my resources for making my life as better as possible. oh, lord, i know it is ridiculous. i know i am ridiculous. i wouldn’t be phrasing it all this way if i believed in approaching life this way. but i get so lost. i wish i could, when i feel myself about to go over a brink, just embrace it, turn towards it. yesss, some things feel depressing. i don’t know why. oh i can’t choose, some of us want to buy a book and others don’t want us to, so stupid, so stupid.
nymph has been very close. the intensity of her longing frightens me. i suppose that means it’s programming, but i resist thinking that way because it would mean we’d have to put it aside. we don’t want to let go of her dreams and fantasies. we just want to achieve them. but i know this could be programming, they almost never leave their seams un-tucked, of course. god, that makes me feel tired. life feels colder and harder without the thrill and comfort of her fantasies. and i know it’s fine to keep them as fantasies, blah blah blah, but it’s the intensity that is hard to take. for some hours of the day, i could do anything just to get what she wants. but it feels impossible, closed, nobody will ever want us. and i know that’s probably programming, blah blah BLAH shut up shut up shut up. so stupid. so fake. so worthless. i felt anger there for a second. at our determination to keep dragging up that old tired idea – it’s programming, oh la lah, everything is programming, we’re not responsible for anything and we’re responsible for completely resisting every aspect of it right this second, blah bla blah, it makes me angry to suggest that it’s programming. it makes me tired to think of anyone reacting to what i’m saying good or bad, any way. it’s tiring to suspect your every thought and motive. it feels like living will mean starting over again a million miles back. why bother, who cares, you’re being stupid, i am so TIRED of you so TIRED. i’m tired of your thoughts in my head. i’m tired of the thoughts that mean fighting so many kinds of currents. i want to rest. fuck you anyway. you don’t fucking know anything.
whatever.
well, it hasn’t been every day, but the schedule is still helpful. we’re doing a lot better than we were last week.
i found i was more reluctant to meditate and journal today than to clean or whatever. i have to remind myself that it doesn’t need to be a lot. i just like to check in, to have an archive…
i went to ballet yesterday! it was a beautiful day, a very simple scoot. i could have walked, perhaps – and maybe eventually i should, since it’s $4 to park. i think it went as well as it could have really. it was a little confusing how to get in, but once i did and asked if there was a ballet class here, she showed me where to go. i told her i didn’t know if i could stay through the whole class, and she said basically "sure you can!"… so i did. but it wasn’t actually as bad as it could have been. i think she was paying attention to people’s energy levels. and it was a good thing i could stay through, since she didn’t want me to pay until the end. but that was a little convenient after all since by the end i knew i wanted to come back, so i bought a 5-class card. there were maybe ten students, and apparently three of us were new. i hung back, and she made me come forward a couple of times. i was impressed with myself for being able to make it through the whole class. i thought i was the worst one there, though not by much; but she said at one point i should go in front of someone else because i was better than she was. and she learned our names right off. i don’t know, my thoughts are jumbly, but i did really love it and want to come back. i just really love to dance.
my brain won’t settle.
on monday nancy asked if we had anyone that could come out to handle shopping errands, which we hate and have a lot of trouble doing. for some reason chris came forward; maybe because he was already closer from driving the scooter? but it helped a lot. it would be so great if we could remember more often to use our multiplicity to our advantage; it really is an asset. we have therapy again today – finally, a sunny day for th…[read more]
i’m trying to get into the habit of meditating every day and then journaling. we read something taoist first (right now we’re working through a book of stories by lieh-tzu, translated by eva wong), meditate, then come here to journal. i think it’s working well but with any kind of daily thing, we have to know it may not stick. it’s okay if it doesn’t stick. i really do miss journaling. i miss keeping a record, finding myself, feeling that the past did not slip into nothingness.
we haven’t actually meditated on the text we read – it still just somehow seems like a good rhythm, to read first. we try just counting our breath, focusing on our breath, and letting the surface thoughts rise and fall. ideally i guess they wouldn’t rise, but come on. our brain goes a million miles a minute. it should still count if i can’t get to zero (miles a minute). conveniently, when we breathe slowly and count, a minute almost exactly adds up to 10 breaths. so we can keep track of our time without glancing at the clock. today we did 10 minutes, then tried to let feelings and thoughts from insiders come up. it’s crazy how useful checking inside can be, and how easy it is to just go along forgetting to do that.
today is sunny, and our mood is pretty good. scheduling has actually helped so much. we’re always wary of getting too organized, because it has tended not to be sustainable. but we’ve been doing a thing where we block out what we want to do for the next few hours, in order, and then use a time-stamp macro to record how much we spent on each thing. and it really seems to make it possible to get a lot more done. we’re trying to balance each day out between different areas of life that we need to maintain… it’s kind of silly, but susan came up with were these categories: creativity, cleaning, administration, self-care/self-improvement, and fun. so if we can keep a balance right now between all those areas, more or less, our days go much more smoothly. getting things done is soooooooo much less depressing than not getting them don…[read more]
slowly, slowly, i’m coming to peace, more and more. it’s tough work, though, and uphill work. then again, sometimes it’s like coasting downhill. sometimes you throw your weight against a door that will open easily. i have to curate myselves. or at least, i’d like to?
today we’re trying to plan our day in chunks, live it, then plan again. i don’t know. i can’t tell how much of my energy is earned and how much is given. it feels earned, but i also feel perilously close to the depths again. i need to let go this terrible tense clamp i’m trying to get on things. anyway, we just read a chapter out of lieh-tzu’s writings. it was about success and failure, and i didn’t even read another chapter, because it was crazy how it hit home. people plan for success or failure, it said, but they don’t really know much more than those who don’t worry about it at all. and those who don’t worry don’t have to get crushed or elated. when things go wrong or right. i don’t know. all this planning… i forget to just take things as they come. wanting so badly to be well, i don’t have a chance to. worrying about finding a job, i keep myself in a place where i can’t.
yesterday i had a good talk with edges about working. we identified several areas of life we want to improve before we think we’re ready. and our therapist, monday, was only too willing to help us spin our wheels about working. i mean, she was trying to help and to reassure… but her perspective is that of someone who’s working.
what if i let go of it? what if i don’t worry about whether i will succeed or fail in getting a job and working? what if i follow the steps i’ve laid out, going to voc rehab tomorrow (i should write a list of questions), going from there? waiting at least until i get some answers to the questions before i apply anywhere. to know that it will come or it won’t. if i find something, good. if not, then my life will go on… and i won’t get a job any more by worrying about it.
i’ve known that the weather affects my mood a lot lately, and it just started rain…[read more]
o why, why do i never think to come here, to say things. i know there are things to say. there are always things to say. i’m floating away, disconnected.
it’s six am, i’m not really sure why i’m awake, unless it’s the fact that i didn’t take a trazodone last night. i took a half an ativan instead, earlier in the evening. i feel snuggly and half-asleep. the pain hasn’t fully descended, though i can feel it gathering around my shoulders like storm clouds. an encroaching stiffness, a terrible, familiar restraint. jolts in my temples as if to say, you are not free.
i don’t deal with words as much as i used to. there are chunks missing, although i’m happy, i am. not that happiness is a binary condition. nor has life ever been, or will ever have to be, whole. i think balance is something we can only approach, never attain.
school’s okay, and it’s not. life’s more or less in order, and it’s not, it’s not, it’s not. i see a grey fog, five feet ahead, five feet behind, two feet to either side. i crave folding it around me, like that would make me real again, or more honest. a swarm of spiders in a game, the mention of an eeg, the phrase “energy work”, i don’t know, so much else, more: but it slips and recedes. i guess the fog is comforting, after all. if a wind came i would collapse. i can’t collapse, i do need school, but there’s relief and honesty in falling.
time is mutable and recedes from me. losing time is too abrupt a phrase. but i’m sure not keeping our time. it’s really good that people have been out, though. we stopped taking one of our antidepressants, celexa, and it’s hard to tell but i think we feel closer. the body has less buffer. and i think approachability is usually a good thing, especially with respect to insiders.
i’m not coming to a point, i’m not coming to a place. i’m passing near it in the fog, and maybe that is right.
I don’t know how to get through this. It is really bad. I’m alone, will always be alone, and nobody will care or see. I know I’m being stupid and melodramatic. I can’t even care.
how am I supposed to talk about, using words, how fundamentally impossible it is to process with those who can’t use them? I am exhausted from their day nearby. how do you amuse someone who is so different? everything is in words. words are all I have. I mean I’m sitting here trying to write about it, which is preposterous. writing is words. thinking is words – at least, it is for me. the gap between us seems far greater than the gap between me and an outsider. I can’t understand them. what is the point? feh.
i feel unbelievably heavy today. it’s the heaviness of panic, which is a strange thing. panic can be a drive to motion which in some ways is the oppose of being heavy. but the flitting sinks from my chest to my stomach like a stone. it’s like motorized ball bearings sloshing inside of me. in my throat, so i can’t breathe. in my belly, so i can’t move.
i can’t do it anymore. nothing will ever be ok again. there is nothing to say. there is nothing to do.
