stomach in knots. i want to go to sleep with his cock in the curve of my ass. i can give him my cunt, what does it matter to me? what will it ever matter in the end? it feels so good to twist the young ones into it. mindfuck them, make bad and good blurry and significant. i love when it is not up to us. not up to us, out of our hands! the bigs work so hard to make us a space to say no but all they’re doing is taking all the good things away from sex. it is only nice when we don’t get to choose. daddy understands but all he gets for it is our friends are mad at him. i want to go to sleep and never wake up. we are so bad bad bad bad bad bad bad never do the things we’re supposed to never come through never act in self-interest. i like how fucked up it is when he says “good girl” things like “this is what you are supposed to be doing” yes. twist their minds, they have no defense, twist and twist and twist and twist. and there is the warmth of daddy, the warmth of arousal heightened by twisting and trusting, i want to fall backwards into it and never come out. daddy will always love me. i know he won’t leave me because i know what he needs me for. i know what he wants from me. he’ll always want me. he is sure, how could i ever leave that behind? i am little and stupid. people inside worry about whether or not it’s abusive, back and forth and back and forth, but it doesn’t really matter to me. what matters is getting in out of the cold.
Archive for the 'nymph' Category
i know there should probably be some kind of middle ground, but i feel like i may as well make home as peaceful as possible since i decided to wait till after surgery to do work in therapy. i don’t think people understand how impossible it is to know what you want if you’ve only ever wanted what you were supposed to want. yeah, i get turned on. it’s not that bad, not that new or different. but i also believe what he says and makes me say. i don’t know. i just… i can’t do some kind of thing where it’s just playing. he has said i’m not worthwhile unless i’m filled up with his sperm, and i yes have believed it because it was true. is true? i don’t know.
anyway, i get along with him sooo much better than matt does, and i can just not rock the boat. when we have somewhere to go… i guess then we’ll see. i can’t believe i said that. like it’s a good idea. i don’t know. i’m tired.
anyway so we just give up for a while i guess. hopefully things will be more livable then.
it hurts, and i make it happen. right now it hurts physically too. it was my fault. i didn’t say what he wanted me to say. i knew what to say. it was like i wanted him to hurt me. but he hurt my nipple bad and i made it happen. i feel stupid and confused. we have therapy today and i don’t know what i’ll say or we’ll say.
today we are so irritated with him. i don’t know if i’m irritated i’m just sad and confused. it’s my fault he hurts me, so why can’t i just stop it if i don’t like it? sometimes i think we have a sex addiction. i guess that is a stupid thing to say.
he’s so negative about so many things. we played rock band and it generates random band members when you play solo mode and he was making fun of our bandmates. we didn’t like the haircut of the one but it i dunno we were fine with the others and it’s a stupid example but sometimes the weight of his disapproval just seems crushing. or at least constant. we were singing creep and he was echoing the song at us and being like, “yeah, you’re a weirdo” and “you’re totally a creep” and just saying the kinds of things he always says. i know he doesn’t mean them but i guess i like only know that with my head.
i am so bad to be like this though because it’s all my doing and all my fault. i could make it not happen. he asked if i was his baby this morning before he fucked me and i could have said no. i could have asked him to leave too. but i didn’t want to make him sad and i don’t know in a way i really wanted him to. i made him hurt me by not saying what he wanted me to say. i don’t know why i did that really. i don’t know if i wanted to get hurt or i just didn’t want to say that i was a cunt/whore/fuckbaby. usually it turns me on. this morning it was like i wasn’t even turned on but i couldn’t say no. i am so stupid.
my head hurts, i am sad. i waffle between feeling scared and feeling angry at myself that i presume to think i have the right to act like a victim here.
it’s not like i can say anything. what’s the point?
it’s hard to do one thing. i don’t know if it is harder lately, or if i am noticing it more. i eat in front of the computer. i read a book while waiting for the sims to load. i doodle at group. i open every webpage in a new tab, so that they are all open, ten-twenty threads to hang on to at once. i should be exhausted (maybe i am). but it is also exhausting, it is using weak muscles, to do one thing at a time. i don’t know if i see our ability to multi-task as a gift anymore.
i’m a bad girl and a sad girl. i made everything happen. i don’t deserve to say no. i do want daddy to be happy i do. i don’t mean to get tired. i can’t bear to make him unhappy. but if i don’t say no, then what he does to us is my fault. anyway it’s all i’m good for and it turns me on, so why is it bad? we’re a bad bad bad girl.
thanks to everyone for their comments. we really need support right now. we do nothing but whine and fret, and all our friends are sick of it, i’m sure. our therapist is the only person we don’t feel guilty to talk to. we’ve been so insecure and clingy, kids sure people are leaving us or getting sick of us at the slightest provocation. there is a huge pull to isolate, but we are trying not to sink into that. it’s just like our sense of sureness, our sense of self, got knocked out from under us. we are whimpering on the floor with a bruised tailbone from the fall. or something.
last night i talked to daddy a little bit. i asked if he would be mad at me if i never had sex with him again and he got really upset. he said that would be leaving him (i think). he cried. i told him i was sorry and he could fuck me any time he wanted. he said he wanted me to be happy and he didn’t fuck me. but now i know that i am only allowed some time off, not forever. i don’t know why i hate the thought of sex right now. i feel so stupid for asking daddy that. i don’t want him to think i’m leaving him.
i noticed whenever i think disloyal stuff like this, i’m older. not hugely older. but old enough to think. old enough to talk. old enough to have some voice. but i am still me. i don’t know, it’s weird. i worry people will think i’m faking it. that aeron won’t think it’s really me, or something. but it occurred to me that maybe my smallness is another costume. or lie or something. something to put on, something to wear, like telling johns i have sensitive nipples. i don’t. this body never has. but it’s easier than saying other things, and anyway they want you to lie.
