our back hurts down by our tailbone it hurts whenever we bend over and we can’t seem to sit so it doesn’t hurt. i know we are slouching and that is bad but we can’t seem to find a way to sit that doesn’t hurt except sitting in the recliner. we can’t be on the computer on the recliner though! or it would not be worth it to try.
i’m really really really really really really sad. in therapy we were thinking and we realized that when we were hurting (like body) when we were a kid, and when we’re worrying we have fibro with hurting now, like it seems obvious but we don’t WANT it!! we didn’t ask for it, we really would rather not. i know it sounds ovios to say we don’t want to be in pain but like our mom said all we wanted in life was to be pitied. and like if we said we were in pain it was like… i don’t know. like we were trying to use our “pain” to get something. like we were trying to tell our mom that she was bad. but we’re not and we only wish that we didn’t have to bother her or anyone with this stuff. we almost cried thinking how it’s not like we WANT to have fibro, it’s not like we ASKED for it. in fact we very much don’t want it, because we don’t want to have something wrong with us that more fortunate people think is fake. we are so tired of being the fake one. we will never not be the fake one.
we are scared. the bigs really hate that we’re hurting because they hate the kind of person it makes us into. we kept saying in therapy “i don’t want to be that person” but i don’t think she really understood. i wish she had gotten it. we just want to cry because we want so badly not to be that person. the hypochondriac, the malingerer, the attention-seeker, the selfish person who thinks their problems are somehow worse when really it’s what everyone has to deal with. we don’t want to be the person who has to be our own advocate. we are already multiple. that’s bad enough.
but it hurts. and it’s been hurting. and monday through today have been really awful. and we want it to get better but it doesn’t there’s just us and it hurts to move and it hurts to bend over especially. and we are just so ashamed and disappointed in ourselves for it.
i guess crick has been around a lot and he is very sad in a way that can’t really be comforted. god it’s just so not fair, it’s not like we WANTED to be hurting!!! it’s not like we were doing it to hurt HER!
anyway we are just really tired and dealing with a lot of physical stuff. i guess that’s all.
Written on May 26, 2009 by littles.
it will never be enough it will never be enough it will never beenough it will never be enough no it will never work it will never get there we will never get there it will never be enough give up now run away now it will never be enough it will never be enough it will never be enough it will never be enough you don’t understand it will NEVER be enough how are we going to deal with that how are we going to find anything in that how are we going to go anywhere it will never, ever, ever be enough it will never work we will never get there we will never succeed we will never prove ourselves there is nothing to prove it will never ever be enough please just stop please just stop please why are you looking here there’s no point it’s just this it’s just this it’s just not enough nothing will ever be enough it will never be enough stop looking at me stop looking like that stop looking like that! i am just telling you the truth i am just telling you what it is you don’t care i know you don’t care fine run run run it’s good it’s good but just don’t try don’t try don’t try don’t try because it will never, ever be enough.
i don’t KNOW what i know. yes of course the pain is about something. i can’t get the right handle. this thing is not in words. this thing is not tangible or massageable. i know that we got a big reaction, grateful/pain/fear and stuff, when edges said they wanted to say to the ones that had the dream about wanting to die that edges sees they hurt. not allowed to complain
this isn’t coming easy, and it’s hitting wall after wall. all that we can think is that our life is falling apart. it feels like everything is falling apart. it feels like no one loves us anymore. it feels like no one cares how much our life is falling apart. like they want to strengthen our back for the load, instead of letting us put it down.
there is a tremendous torrent of grief and fear and anger but i don’t know if we’ll ever be able to get to it. i think it has to do with pain, and invalidation.
i don’t know. all i know is we feel like we’ve completely lost it, and can’t bear to even look at school stuff.
Written on August 16, 2008 by littles.
oh no i didn’t mean it i know i’m not real i’ll try and be silent now
i know i am lucky
we are asking for room. lost, lost, so easy to get lost. we need room, but it is not given. maybe it is no one’s to give. we wrested time away – but time is not enough. it is so easy to tip the balance, even when you’re trying. there is no room for us. the head hurts – the body hurts – life is suddenly very pale and faded. we can’t make it. we won’t let them make it, because we can’t breathe and for so long. i am sorry but we just couldn’t make it this time. we should have rested. it is hard and scary to get… anywhere. words are nothing but silence is less. there is no sense or anything. there’s lots of defeat but we didn’t mean to make it feel that way. we want it to be ok too. but it wasn’t.
as long as we don’t base our self-worth on our functionality, we can come back to ok. right? we still have our life, right?
(in case you couldn’t tell, we need to withdraw this quarter. we appreciate our friends right now… feeling very low and failed.)
Written on March 18, 2008 by littles.
scary to sleep! don’t know why. all triggered today, package from family. maybe not related. or maybe gut is right. maybe stupid! just all creeped out, nothing safe.
it’s not sleeping that’s scary. it’s the time before falling asleep. have no realness. i have no excuses. aeron is a little scary lately; need to work on boundaries with him more. feel so guilty to withdraw, so guilty to say no. worthless! little. first person voice is scary sometimes, like sleep. don’t want anything attached too closely. don’t want anything so close at all. can write with arms held out, palms out. why is distance needed? don’t even know. so tired, but at least wanted to record that DON’T WANT TO SLEEP. sleep is bad because right before, there is nothing between self and brain. too close! nothing to ward off thoughts. just wanted to say.
Written on January 27, 2008 by littles.
our brain won’t go clean to where we can think, and we can’t do our homework, and it is due incredibly soon, and we are really scared. we lost it all. we don’t want to start at the bottom again. we have worked so hard to get to an okay place, a functional place. now we just can’t and no one cares. there are insane stupid horrible people i want to kill inside that just keep acting like if things get bad enough, someone will save us. i know there is no such thing as rescue. i want to kill myself for being so stupid. but i can’t seem to get outside of myself enough to proceed with my life. i can’t think. i just can’t think, and no one believes me and no one cares. it’s not very far from this place to actively trying to die, but i know that even that won’t make anyone care, it won’t make anything better. there is nothing, and it feels like there will never be anything again.
we’re having a hard time getting along with aeron right now. it just seems like he is really insensitive. so we are hiding in our room with the door shut. we are hungry, but dishes need done before anyone can eat. i mean i’m eating stuff that doesn’t require dishes, but it’s not really Food. we could cook, but we can’t take doing the dishes for aeron again. he says we are always so mean to him. i feel really bad about that but i really don’t see it.
Continue reading ‘i guess i’d like to be alone’
i am scared to go to k–’s. he is going to be mad at us and it’s going to be cold and unfriendly and i hate myself and want to die. oh no wait, i don’t want to die. just scared little little little scared. it’s cold everywhere. my legs are cold. we had a pumpkin latte this morning, it was pretty good. that’s the one good thing about this season. pumpkin everything! we love pumpkin as a flavor. we do not like it as a squash. we prefer butternut. it’s not really pumpkin flavor. it’s more like “fall spices blend.” i’m sure you know what i’m talking about.
Continue reading ‘world serves its own needs’
i hate having to get a hangover from my trazodone if i want to get any sleep. but there was no way i was trying to sleep without it. now my mouth tastes furry and my head hurts and nothing helps and it sucks.
Continue reading ‘feh’
