tunneling

one of the things we talked about a bunch on sunday, with indigo and ej, was the privilege that functional people have. we talked about our own lives and came up with so many many examples. it was really eye-opening. it’s privilege that they even get to define as functional – because society is structured in a way that allows them to hold down a job. there is so much we non-functionals could do if we didn’t have to waste all our time and energy fighting with a system that won’t bend for us. (for example, in my view, agoraphobic people should be able to telecommute… so many things. have you ever noticed that telecommuting is granted only to those who have already proved themselves somehow?)

i’m all over the place. and i know this isn’t a new movement and we are all three extremely inspired by (and would maybe identify as a part of) the disability rights movement. but i think it is especially hard to create change when the thing that’s going on with you makes it so that you cannot ever follow a set schedule, makes it so some things (like organizing events) are just closed, not possible. blogging is good, but even here i don’t make my points clearly like some of the blogs i read. i can’t necessarily struggle out of my fog enough to refine my writing and be perfectly cogent. so i feel like my words are stupid and don’t matter.

anyway. this isn’t my real post on this. i’d like to write better. i do have moments when i’m able to write. but god, it felt so good to talk about these things and recognize a million little stigmas we buy into about ourselves. to consciously remember that we are not lazy, we are not choosing this path. we are not just going through what the normal people are going through – i swear, people seem to think that if they get anxious sometimes, they understand what it’s like to live with an anxiety disorder, day in and day out.

even therapists – they all wax so friggin enthusiastic about how we can heal fully, we can integrate or whatever, we can be fully functional. my therapist in santa cruz signed the disability stuff for me but she had to give me a little talk about how it wasn’t permanent. and i do hope to be able to work part-time someday. (otherwise this degree i’m trying for is kind of silly.) but i doubt i’ll ever be able to work full-time. i’ve come to the realization that some of the ways i’m limited are forever. i’ll never feel easy and natural with acquaintances. i’ll never be able to relax in public all the way. even if i achieve moments, i suspect that they’ll only ever be moments.

but i have a lot to learn from the social model of disability. and i think being labeled nonfunctional is like saying it is my fault, my problem, i am disordered. but i’m thinking about the society in this alien shore by cs friedman, where people could participate as their abilities allowed. and were able to use their strengths. there is so much i could do if i could spend my time doing it, instead of all this fighting. i’d need flexibility and more breaks, yes. but why does that prevent me from working? it’s so completely fucking society that’s not allowing me to work. then stigmatizing me for not working, and keeping me in the poverty it thinks i deserve.

i’m not together at all. i’m having a hard night. i’m so panicked about the move. the place was supposed to try calling today and then call me – i think i need to go prod them again, even though i did yesterday. another fucking wonderful “coincidence”… things like renting a place require so much more of me than they would a person who was able to afford to pay rent themselves, at a place of their choosing. so because i am not functional, i am expected to have to function so much more in order to get this place rented. and it wears on me so fucking much, every day. i love aeron but i can’t stand him, the closer i get to away the more i need it. 

i have never been safe in my home.