even if we are trying for a stronger voice lately we still have all our old voices on this journal too ok? kids still get to write here. i’m kinda reassuring myself here. it is a hard day. panicky panicky, and casting around trying to find a way to blame or not blame ourselves for it.
it’s our fault for thinking about x or y.
it’s not our fault, there is no should.
we must be lying about social anxiety because we had a really good time with friends last night, and we didn’t know them very well. (sometimes we littles got to come out and wave to tiny edges and it was a Secret to everyone. it was awesome.)
(also, when ej was reassuring us that we were doing fine and everyone didn’t hate us, we were refuting their logic because, you know, we were casting about for ways that we were bad. or whatever. but then it went on a little too long and someone else in the room said, “ohmigod, you guys are having the nerdiest fight.” i think it was because i said “but so that means it doesn’t follow!” because you know how good self-hate is at poking supposed holes in others’ logic. and it came right at a lull in the conversation, it was so weird. but i just think it doesn’t really get cooler than having someone you just met telling you that you’re nerdy.)
or maybe our social anxiety isn’t real because we read other blogs and such and for every ten times we seriously consider commenting we actually Do comment. (the other times we end up deciding that what we have to say is stupid and we have no right to occupy space anyway.)
but ok so there’s just all of us here, all of us, & we want to be good, & we’re still just trying to live, & it’s really REALLY good we are going to withdraw this quarter.
it’s easy to get down on ourselves for flailing (i mean, we’re dropping the classes so we don’t HAVE to flail, right?) we have so much less to do now and we can’t even do that and it’s Scary that aeron did the laundry and the clothes didn’t get dry so they are spread out all over our bed and it’s Scary!!!!!
we are kind of triggered by wet clothes, i think. i know that’s a bad thing to say but we just wish he had dried them twice, it wouldn’t have been that horribly expensive, it would be worth it.
laundry IS pretty expensive though. we should be good. we are very bad sometimes. just all empty. it is a crap day and we wish we had library books because we just cannot handle the world at all. there’s some books indigo lent us but for some reason we feel overwhelmed to start them.
but yeah. i don’t know. yesterday started out difficultly but then it turned really good, even though we did have a mini-panic attack in old navy and didn’t even get to look at clothes. we told aeron about the socializing and he was sad and maybe kinda mad that we didn’t invite him. but i didn’t think he liked that many people in a room (with aeron there would have been six people, one of whom he never met and two of whom he only met very briefly). we don’t like thinking about yesterday though because we will start to worry that we were bad or too effusive or clearly faking being fun & cool & comfortable. that everyone will hate us. but ej said it was ok, that nobody hated us and people actually liked us.
we shouldn’t have mentioned how we are awkward. we always take refuge in meta but i think normal people really don’t like that. or get uncomfortable or something. even though everyone was very nice.
it’s really really really hard to keep ourselves fed and nothing sounds good and everything is overwhelming anyway and it just sucks. we can’t go to the store today, but we really need to. but maybe tomorrow. we also found a library book that didn’t get returned with the others because it fell behind a box. and we checked and it was due yesterday. we should really walk to the library and return it, but it is too much, especially when there are no books there waiting for Us! we really need some good kid books because the computer keeps giving us a headache and we really need retreat.
i’m sorry for whining so much and just being stupid. it’s not like we’re having memories or anything to justify having a hard time. but it’s just… hard anyway. we are little and scared and sometimes aeron scares us but we feel so guilty to be that way and he just acts so surprised and dismayed when we let on that we’re scared of him.
we already took a bath today but we like the cave of the tub. we don’t want to get wet again though and it’s too uncomfortable without water. oh well! we will just have to be good and make ourselves take the clothes off the bed then maybe we can hide.
edges hid good in their flickr-twitter today! it was awesome!
sorry we don’t have anything real to say like with a point like the bigs. just wanted to say that we are here too and that things aren’t so great.
