Archive for the 'kerry' Category
we got up this morning and noticed our relatively flat tummy in the bathroom mirror, which sparked curiousity. so i stepped on the scale and we are decidedly into the 130′s. (137.) i know that our eating habits haven’t been good… i know that we want to be eating well so that food isn’t involved in our depression… i know we just had a whole therapy session about this… but dammit, i don’t care!
so he refuses to cook for you anymore. so life goes on. we have to figure out what we will eat in the future.
we should just stop eating. we need to lose weight for when mom gets here.
no, that is really dumb. you know we won’t do it like that any more. just be happy we don’t restrict how much you can exercise.
isn’t it my choice just as much as yours?
sure, when you’re out. but you don’t get to have all the body time and other people would like to eat sometimes. Continue reading ‘food stuff’
i feel so pathetic, so spoiled, so full. so out of place. so useless. i guess i don’t deserve to have claire work out something with me anyway. i guess none of it really matters. it’s not like i deserve to be thin. it’s not like i’m real. it’s not like there isn’t this 40-foot-high, 10-foot-deep wall between me and other people. who cares if the body gains 200 pounds. no one can ever love me no matter what i look like. no matter how distended or flat my stomach is. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry.
i’m a little anxious because i am 1.4 pounds over my absolute limit of tolerance today. we’ve stayed the limit weight for a long time now really steadily. so, going to have to figure out some time to get some exercise in. it’s inconvenient with the couch where it is to do DDR. which sucks. we’ll see.
we went to the thrift store yesterday and bought three skirts and one dress. i’m wearing the dress now, it is cream-colored with a gold pattern of flowers and vines on it. it’s like a baby-doll dress but with short sleeves, and the slip part is cream and satiny. there is a small coffee stain on it which is frustrating. but all in all i like the dress. despite the fact that it’s hard to take off.
Continue reading ‘another morning’
you know i was at peace, i was doing well. i even laughed at the comments to daily obsessions, the venom, it was so far away from me. a little ridiculous, i didn’t care. seriously, i cared, but i think i’ve come a long way. so we’re 150. who the hell do i want to impress with my weight? it’s not sex appeal i’m after. it’s just… brainwashing. wanting to please my mother. i don’t know. maybe i’ll never know why. but something in me relaxed. it’s not about weight or how we look. tell you the truth, in many ways we look better at 150. our breasts are full, they fit their skin. even my gross fat thighs are kinda curvy. we’ll always have the renaissance figure – you know, cute round belly, all of that. even at 129 we had a belly. and fat curvy thighs fit in with the whole belly thing.
Continue reading ‘this again?’
the world decided yesterday that it was about time for spring, and today is sunnily in the upper seventies. yesterday i was too hot, but today is a new day, and i think maybe it could be perfect.
i’m in clothes i couldn’t wear for over a year. silly little hiphuggers of jeans, that almost need a belt (maybe not just almost.) a little knit t-shirt. my clogs, for shoes. the temperature feels just perfect. and in this little strange in-between moment, i am perfectly happy with my body. i am looking forward to ballet next quarter, which is swift approaching.
Continue reading ‘nothing’s been the same so’
there is homework i should be doing, but i am taking a rest today, i guess. at this point, all i want to do is finish. so my day stretches out in front of me. i am trying to enjoy the weekend because tomorrow i have to make a million phone calls: two to the pdr’s office (set up an appointment and tell them long’s didn’t get the prescription), but long’s i should call first to see if maybe they got the prescription finally, and then i am supposed to call del amo to find out if they are still running the program and everything during christmas and all of that. and there’s probably other things i am forgetting.
i’ve been really depressed this weekend – too bad the zoloft i was prescribed hasn’t even gotten a chance to get started yet.
Continue reading ‘get into the groove’
we’re at the arcafe, waiting for our first class to begin, feeling the scalpels in our pocket and yearning. at home, i’ll agree to exercising before we cut. it might be a good solution. but today is the worst day yet. i don’t know what is wrong with us. i want to cut (we want to cut).
i can see the ocean from where i’m sitting. that seems kind of amazing, because home is closer than the ocean. or something. i wonder why i can’t seem to be contented. i wonder what is wrong with me. i am trying to write, instead of cutting. (is it me?) i am trying to find something to settle me.
Continue reading ‘eating my despair’
