Archive for the 'elizabeth' Category
i think i will decide that today has been a good day. i danced, through the whole class. i was shaking with effort halfway through, or exhaustion, but it is good to be back.
i am trying to decide what dance classes to take next quarter – the ones that i can and want to take are ballet 1, continuing ballet 1, ballet 2, modern 1, and folk dancing. that’s too many, so i have to decide which ones to take. ballet 1 is right after my class on tuesdays and thursdays (the class is semantics.) i might be able to take ballet 2, but i really should take continuing 1, or maybe not, i don’t know. and i want to take modern and.or folk dancing because they’re with the teacher i really like.
oh, they tell me how slowly to go, but how can i hold back when this is my blood, is my life, is our life? how did we ever get talked out of it? very well, i will never be professional, i leave you to pursue whatever career you wish. only let me go faster. let me do more. i’ll help you get your homework done, i promise. i’ve written papers for you before. i’ll be so good… i promise…
sigh. i know that it’s silly. i know that march is very soon. i know that i have to prove i’m committed. i know that there will be time enough. but i want to go faster. i just want to do this every day. jazz 1 and modern 1 are right, but ballet 1 isn’t right, not alone. it’s excellent practice, working on myself. but i could go faster, i need more.
Continue reading ‘oh, living, living!’
I miss dancing… I know that’s not unusual; being Elizabeth, I always miss dancing. But I mean I truly miss it and so do many of us. It’s so frustrating that we go into these pangs of yearning every time any sort of dance is referenced in conversations, on tv, in books, whatever. It’s not just a hobby that we left behind. It’s a dream that will never be realized. It’s our endless sadness.
Continue reading ‘something inescapable’
The Morgans haven’t been out since Sunday. It’s beginning to worry us. They have got to come out today, because we’ve been planning on going to Dimensions to get started on Testostorone. (Something that I, curiously enough, feel quite neutral, even amicable, about.) I’ve enlisted the help of E. from behind to do Calculus and Semantics homeworks, and attempted to write the paper on Sor Juana all by my lonesome… I’m starting to feel quite the college student. Though I’m only sixteen, and have but a ninth grade education.
Continue reading ‘i know you’re alone’
yesterday in therapy (i’m not sure whether i’m proud or ashamed to be uttering those words) my t was asking me what the smallest thing i could do to try and function (rather than letting depression take over). i responded it was probably practicing music again (i rarely bother anymore.) so that is my assignment for the week, i guess… do guitar… or it was for today. and i did it. the problem is, i can force myself to do a whole damn lot. when i was in ballet, i used to write down every idle moment i spent (reading counted, so did moments of rest in between breakfast and going to school, anything…) and berate myself for it, for not doing something to improve my skills in ballet.
Continue reading ‘sleepwalking through the all-night drugstore’
Well, i’ve been too busy to write or even to contemplate much. I’m going to try to graduate next year, as a junior. Next year will be swamped, though! As well as 0 period i’ll have to get 30 credits through CR (College of the Redwoods, the local junior college.) So i’ll have to take at least 3 extra classes, plus 0 period. But it will be worth it!
Continue reading ‘Well, i’ve been too busy…’
