our back hurts down by our tailbone it hurts whenever we bend over and we can’t seem to sit so it doesn’t hurt. i know we are slouching and that is bad but we can’t seem to find a way to sit that doesn’t hurt except sitting in the recliner. we can’t be on the computer on the recliner though! or it would not be worth it to try.
i’m really really really really really really sad. in therapy we were thinking and we realized that when we were hurting (like body) when we were a kid, and when we’re worrying we have fibro with hurting now, like it seems obvious but we don’t WANT it!! we didn’t ask for it, we really would rather not. i know it sounds ovios to say we don’t want to be in pain but like our mom said all we wanted in life was to be pitied. and like if we said we were in pain it was like… i don’t know. like we were trying to use our “pain” to get something. like we were trying to tell our mom that she was bad. but we’re not and we only wish that we didn’t have to bother her or anyone with this stuff. we almost cried thinking how it’s not like we WANT to have fibro, it’s not like we ASKED for it. in fact we very much don’t want it, because we don’t want to have something wrong with us that more fortunate people think is fake. we are so tired of being the fake one. we will never not be the fake one.
we are scared. the bigs really hate that we’re hurting because they hate the kind of person it makes us into. we kept saying in therapy “i don’t want to be that person” but i don’t think she really understood. i wish she had gotten it. we just want to cry because we want so badly not to be that person. the hypochondriac, the malingerer, the attention-seeker, the selfish person who thinks their problems are somehow worse when really it’s what everyone has to deal with. we don’t want to be the person who has to be our own advocate. we are already multiple. that’s bad enough.
but it hurts. and it’s been hurting. and monday through today have been really awful. and we want it to get better but it doesn’t there’s just us and it hurts to move and it hurts to bend over especially. and we are just so ashamed and disappointed in ourselves for it.
i guess crick has been around a lot and he is very sad in a way that can’t really be comforted. god it’s just so not fair, it’s not like we WANTED to be hurting!!! it’s not like we were doing it to hurt HER!
anyway we are just really tired and dealing with a lot of physical stuff. i guess that’s all.
