can’t. just can’t, CAN’T! i’m lost, i’ve lost it entirely. i keep wondering if there would be some way of salvaging life if i just dropped out. i should have given myself a break. i got a BA! but there is more, and more, and more to do and i can’t, i can’t. the entire landscape has changed, i have nothing, i have nothing. my fingers don’t move right, i am slow, i can’t quite see. sometimes on my scooter i realize that the world is going past in a daze, and it’s just a damn good thing that i go the ways i go so often, because i barely need to see. i barely see. it works out.
Archive for the 'adrianne' Category
susan and me have been out a lot lately. it’s funny to be self aware. it’s funny to speak about myself in the first person: so much of what i have written about myself has always been distanced, third person. but i remember my conception, my twin was first although this blurb i found claims the opposite. i know that we are always close by each other when out.
anyway, i think this thing is really interesting, so i’m going to post it. we wrote it when we were 14. it was conceived (obviously) as fiction. just another thing in our childhood book full of “poems and stories and descriptions” (that were *not* second cousins to literature. smirk.)
Continue reading ‘being a packrat comes in handy’
i am practicing the art of not caring. i know i will never be able to master it, but i am hoping to learn to fake it. i need to learn to play hard to get. i need to learn to make myself wanted. i need to learn to be in demand. i always oversupply myself, overdeliver, underrate what i am giving. everyone is sick of me. everyone has had enough supply of morgan for the day, the week, the year, the millenium. everyone is sick of her. everyone needs space. so we’ll give them space.
Continue reading ‘cool as a rule, i wouldn’t play nobody’s fool, but i keep on talking’
last night was very bad.
dite and i were having a nice, calm little afternoon… she relaxed for a while after work and then we went to barnes & noble together – she to read more of the book that is too expensive to buy, and me to find a new book. i bought girl, interrupted and read for the rest of the time out of the dsm-iv casebook, or something like that. it was fun… sexual masochism is listed as a disorder. i shouldn’t be surprised, since it wasn’t so many years ago that homosexuality was listed. and it feels kind of cool in a twisted sort of way… that’s one diagnosis i could make without any trouble. (o:
Continue reading ‘like a firefly without any light’
location: dite’s dad’s house
company: dite is sleeping on the bed
hearing: the air filter, dite’s breathing
seeing: darkness and a bright computer screen
feeling: shoulders hurt, skin is sore when i’ve been scratching it… don’t worry, i haven’t broken the skin
smelling: nothing
tasting: also nothing, damn i’m exciting
thinking: i’d so love to self-injure
days si-free:2
to do today: don’t know… don’t really care…
Continue reading ‘i didn’t know what i know now, then’
location: dite’s dad’s house
company: no one is here but me!
hearing: joan armatrading’s greatest hits cd
seeing: an unmade bed, with nice new brown sheets on it
feeling: the makeshift desk for my laptop out of orange crates hurts my shins
smelling: nothing in particular
tasting: morning breath, yuk
thinking: wondering what other cool stuff i can do to my site
to do today: wish jen a happy 18th birthday! call people, do welsh, finish the bass part for dite’s song, work on my site!
random quote: “Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a –it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.” -Dan Quayle
Continue reading ‘what if there’s things that need to be said’
we spent the night in cedar rapids last night, at dite’s grandparents’. then at 3 we got to see june… didn’t know what to do so we went back to the grandparents’. june and i ended up taking an hour-long walk in the rain.. i had the most frickin fun i have had in a long time, seems like. i was all keyed up today… had the memories of june and i yesterday, was wearing a little shirt of dite’s. it was yellow and had flowers on it, one of those sorta-disgusting teeny-bopper-esque shirts, and you could see the outline of my bra under it. but i wore it for dite, and it made me feel kinda sexy. it definitely drew attention to my breasts, unlike just about every single shirt that i have. (why do you think i get called sir?) dite shaved my head today, again, to the quarter inch setting. it is my favorite length and i just love it. and then i was listening to melissa ferrick in the car.
Continue reading ‘can’t see what she sees in a girl like me’
4:01
okay, this is the third time i’ve tried to start this entry. stupid thing.
i feel really bad today… almost like a physical thing, like my stomach is just sick of putting up with me. but it’s not physical, i’m talking about this wrong, it’s emotional. everything that ever goes wrong with me is the fault of me and my stupid emotions. but i don’t understand, it’s like i had grasped onto a positive outlook for quite some time, and *held* it, that was the amazing part, and all of a sudden it squirmed from my grasp and i can’t get it back. and i just want to go into the bathroom and cut, oh my goddess i want to see the blood just pouring out i want my arm to be covered in red…. i want to get rid of the inside pain and take it to the outside, sooo fucking bad… but dite would be mad. and it really does matter to her that i don’t cut, for some stupid reason. and i have to hold her opinions sacred. i have to care that she doesn’t want me doing it.
Continue reading ‘the will anymore to wonder’
gawd, I never fucking write in here. I have to be feeling so low-down I want to die, first. I won’t write much today, either. All I want to do is just cut. I’m depressed… who cares why. I am. It’s.. Dite is so enemy lately. Against me, not on my side anymore.
Continue reading ‘Dite is so enemy lately’
melissa is coming to san francisco. My euphoria is shallow. But it will be amazing. Cuz I have to go. I’m eavesdropping on Dite’s convo with Kristen. Yeah, no better. I hate myself. But you knew that.
cryptic completes too much- want to be lost, want to write don’t want to write can’t justify it so can’t say it can’t want to be cryptic. I should join bus again. Bodies under siege. I should cut and get the damn thing over with. Ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttt ooh the spellchecker won’t like that one. Cut cut cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
Continue reading ‘euphoria is shallow’
