i feel confused, unsure, off-balance. it is hard not to see the weekend as a window of opportunity. that is, in a bad way. where i feel everything closing in, shutting down, i feel like i will never have another chance. like i am responsible, weekends, for getting a week’s worth of self-care set up. for using time to make life easier for me, to pursue my interests. to reach out. but my system resists using time. it bristles and wrinkles and – here we go – panic. it also resists not using time…
i feel not sure of what to do with myself, there is so much pressure, what will help, what will hurt me, i need to avoid any depressing influence, i need to maximize my resources for making my life as better as possible. oh, lord, i know it is ridiculous. i know i am ridiculous. i wouldn’t be phrasing it all this way if i believed in approaching life this way. but i get so lost. i wish i could, when i feel myself about to go over a brink, just embrace it, turn towards it. yesss, some things feel depressing. i don’t know why. oh i can’t choose, some of us want to buy a book and others don’t want us to, so stupid, so stupid.
nymph has been very close. the intensity of her longing frightens me. i suppose that means it’s programming, but i resist thinking that way because it would mean we’d have to put it aside. we don’t want to let go of her dreams and fantasies. we just want to achieve them. but i know this could be programming, they almost never leave their seams un-tucked, of course. god, that makes me feel tired. life feels colder and harder without the thrill and comfort of her fantasies. and i know it’s fine to keep them as fantasies, blah blah blah, but it’s the intensity that is hard to take. for some hours of the day, i could do anything just to get what she wants. but it feels impossible, closed, nobody will ever want us. and i know that’s probably programming, blah blah BLAH shut up shut up shut up. so stupid. so fake. so worthless. i felt anger there for a second. at our determination to keep dragging up that old tired idea – it’s programming, oh la lah, everything is programming, we’re not responsible for anything and we’re responsible for completely resisting every aspect of it right this second, blah bla blah, it makes me angry to suggest that it’s programming. it makes me tired to think of anyone reacting to what i’m saying good or bad, any way. it’s tiring to suspect your every thought and motive. it feels like living will mean starting over again a million miles back. why bother, who cares, you’re being stupid, i am so TIRED of you so TIRED. i’m tired of your thoughts in my head. i’m tired of the thoughts that mean fighting so many kinds of currents. i want to rest. fuck you anyway. you don’t fucking know anything.
whatever.
