anything but self. convince yourself you can’t afford it. convince yourself it will be better later. tell yourself this is more important, this, this, this again. above all, do not be still. do not be with yourself. do not rest. do not breathe. do not cry or break down. it will be okay later. you can put it off till later. this is now; inward will always be there. out, turn out, turn to out, whirl out. it will be okay. you can keep going this way. you have no choice.
after all, isn’t it virtuous that the inside should be a chore? it is much easier to work. look, i’ll let you clean and self-care. i’ll let you play games and read books. i’m not cruel. aren’t you happier this way? and anyhow, never forget you don’t have a choice. stay focused. you can do this thing or you can lose everything. how can you even pause? don’t forget that it is selfish to look in. it is selfish to die or to want to. so losing everything is not a choice; it would penalize those close to you, and let you off the hook. come on, it’s ok, it’s okay, i’m not asking for much, i’d never ask for more than you could do. come on, isn’t this nicer anyway? isn’t this smooth? lozenge the interrupts smooth before and after, they slip away on through, back to work. avoid them when you can, but when you can’t, let go of them. you do not want to stick to that. you do not want to hang on to that.
this is for you, you, you. this will get you where you need to be. i bend so much. you have so much. there is no point in going further. it won’t pay off. you can do it later. in the break. you’ll have time someday. you don’t now. just go, go, go. slide on, slip on, i’ll help with the corners, we’ll get through it. this isn’t counter to your purposes. aren’t you better than you were? isn’t it better to be stoic, doesn’t it feel masculine? i thought that’s what you wanted, what you liked. just go.
