heavy head, hollowed out pain, i have a second-to-last therapy appointment in a little bit and i don’t want to go. what’s the point? what else is there about the leaving to say? it’s over and we want to cauterize, harden, not feel and explore. that’s that. so you don’t care, there’s no one professional to care any more. so that’s that. yes i know whatever cognitive distortions bla bla blah. i’ll have another, i’ll do work, okay, whatever, you aren’t leaving because you don’t care, whatever, okay. it costs too much, though. i can’t care that you’re leaving, i can’t. and what is it i’m supposed to do, anyhow? i don’t know how to be how to be good on this one. how to be model.
there are two people in our life. we are too broken for one and not broken enough for the other. it feels cold inside. we’re not grand and i can’t see how it matters that we are having a hard time. i don’t have the energy to churn or be a white flame. it’s winter, the sleeping season, the dead season, and there are so many reasons to deaden. but we feel ourselves losing them and that pierces the armor. but even then, what? how do we be what they want? i’m not sure what we’re doing wrong but i know it’s something. i’m not sure that there’d be any way to do right, but there must. cold with fear. we’re going to lose them in so many ways.
dull and dead and cold, so what do you want? what now? what then? why are you here? what am i supposed to give? so you’re leaving. so that’s that.
