i took a ballet class last night for the first time in five and a half years. it was my first ballet class as a boy. it was familiar and beautiful and hard and so right. it might have been a mistake to take beginner/intermediate instead of very beginner, but it didn’t seem like i was so behind the others, or even the worst in the class. none of the material was beyond me – even the “pirouette prep work” that sounded so intimidating, i realized, my body still has some muscle memory about. when i got a glimpse of myself, in black tights and a white undershirt, doing jumps, it was incredibly beautiful. even though my form sucked, i was still beautiful.
i also got an official diagnosis of fibromyalgia last thursday. (that’s still sinking in, even though i knew it was possible or even likely.)
i became so exhausted over the course of this hour-long class that breathing was incredibly painful and both my legs were shaking uncontrollably when i put weight on them with a locked knee. i left early, which i knew to be rude and embarrassed the hell out of me. i should have left earlier. after i left, i made it to the men’s restroom, got some water which hurt to drink, and sat on the toilet (wishing i could collapse on the floor) for five minutes before i could even begin to take my dance clothes off. more rest before getting the street clothes on. luckily the bus stop was very close, but i had a five block walk home from the other end. i limped, though of course insiders accused us of faking. i could walk without a limp, but it hurt.
as i recovered from the exhaustion at home, the pain started to set in. i am still in bad pain, especially from the hips down. and my lower back around my tailbone is hurting so sharply it’s hard to believe i’m not injured. excuse the complaining.
in my head i’m thinking, “god, you’re so worthless. why on earth would you try to do such a physically demanding thing, when you clearly aren’t up for it? you have no business signing up for a ballet class when you have fibro. that’s taking space away from people who are able to dance. that’s not something you have to do.”
but the thing is, how can i wait to start my life? why is it not my business just because it’s physical? and i mean, maybe this is just my head being overly critical (heh, don’t know why i am sidestepping multiplicity so much. i guess it just didn’t feel needed for the point i’m trying to make.) but i got the criticisms from somewhere. i don’t think the attitude is incredibly rare. i certainly know i am scared of trying to talk to the instructor because i feel like i have no business taking the class. she will probably be nice, but you never know.
ballet is something i’ve seriously wanted to get back to since – well, since i quit, but especially since i started planning my transition in 2006-2007. i’d been intending to return as soon as i felt well enough after the surgery – well, that got delayed a year, but shit happens. i feel like it’s been delayed long enough. i feel ready.
so now i have to wade through my social anxiety and figure out what to do about this situation. i could try to change to a more beginning class, but the only open class is too late at night for me on a full day, i’d be even more prone to exhaustion. plus, i think i fit in well as far as technical ability. i’m on the lower end, maybe, but i also will probably improve fairly rapidly at first, because of how much ballet skill i’ve earned in the past.
but there is no way i can do that to myself again. (i say, and was sure of last night, but already today i’m wondering if i can just make it work next time, say by not trying quite as hard so i can make it to the end – but i don’t know how not to give it my all!) so i need to do something.
i don’t know what, i don’t know how. i’ve thought of talking to the instructor before class and asking if i can stop early on a regular basis, but it was very scary just getting to the class in the first place. i hate to draw attention to myself. i’m already the only boy. (and my head stupidly thinks it is even less acceptable for a boy to – i don’t know – take care of himself, have fibro, be weak… problematic stuff of course, but it still is there making my fear bigger.) i don’t want to drop out of the class; plus, i’ve already paid for the quarter.
i need help, and it’s not unreasonable that i get enough to be able to do something that has been a major part of my life goal/vision since i was about 11 or 12 – dancing. dancing ballet.
i’ll be all right. i’ll figure it out. but it’s discouraging to have this barrier. i’m sure it will probably be okay for me to leave early. but it is still scary.
