edges are having a hard time. their birthday is today yesterday, and like birthdays are so often, it’s upsetting and menacing and just generally being a pain in their ass. it’s such a well-defined thing that i keep feeling like i somehow have to be strong for them. like only one person can be the focus. (the focus of what?) like only the normative state, the only unmarked case, is to be okay or happy.
but edges and we are good teachers and good learners. bit by bit, we are trying to find something more stable than everyone-is-okay. it is very hard, like trying to write with a non-dominant hand. we have a lot of false starts, a lot of missed steps where we run away and hide and can’t deal at all. but it always comes right again. i love to participate in a relationship that’s so renewable. whatever cloth we make together is all holey, and more trustworthy for it. at least, i think that in the good moments.
why is the idea that only one person can be upset so persistent? we all seem to see support as a zero sum game – one person gives it, one person takes it. i know i think badly of myself/ves when i’m “using up” somebody else’s caring. and there’s something – there’s focus, and roles – but i don’t think you need to devote yourself to comforting someone to give them support, and i don’t think it’s necessary to have a clear focal point in conversation. for example, does it matter who is hugging who? isn’t it a fairly mutual activity? (so why do we hug someone, instead of hugging with them?)
some of it has to do with how much is tied up in the concept of “okay” and how important it is that that be maintained. when we are not okay we always feel like we’re a drain on resources, a drag, a negative. it seems almost like part of the definition. we are hurting others with our hurting. we are forcing them to be near something unpleasant. we have to defend ourselves – the unmarked case is “okay”. (i am not even sure what that means, but that’s another post.) if we are “not okay”, we have to explain and specify and provide reasons. any vagueness here is somehow a failure. like “not okay” can be converted to “okay” if we have a defensible reason for being upset, with a visible solution.
all my friends would probably define themselves as crazy, as would i, and in these crazy communities this issue comes up again and again. there is an implicit hierarchy we explicitly fight against, at best. who has the most right to be upset? who has the most shit going on? there is this subconscious, automatic reckoning, and it’s so pervasive, i know we all do it. even though we talk about not wanting to do it. the one who is worse off is special and deserving – but on the flip side, the one who is better off and accepts it gets the moral high ground. “oh, my stuff is stupid. yours is real.” then you are the modest one, the restrained one. at the very least, you are building up credit for the next time you break down. but that credit is damn hard to spend… it’s such a fucking illusion.
i’ve also noticed that people who self-define as okay tend to think that there needs to be a buddy system, every not-okay bonded and surrounded only with okays. (i’d love some better terminology. but everything carries too many connotations, or is too specific.) some mental health professionals do this too, i think. they’re afraid we’re going to encourage each other, teach each other how to be miserable. heaven forbid we provide each other with validation, let alone encouragement. to me, this feels like the same kind of slimy reasoning that says schoolkids shoot each other because of video games. it doesn’t wash at all.
anyway, the okay people are too afraid of us rubbing off on them. they’ll all eventually run away – but still try to govern what “influences” we have contact with.
i want to reject all of that. i want to get away from the coin-world where one side is always on top. support can be so many things. so many aspects of support are uniquely suited to others who know what it feels like. practical things that take a tangible amount of energy, that we might not be up to when upset – like cooking or cleaning – are so rarely what we need the most. just being there, especially if we’re not trying to make things better, can make so much difference.
maybe one of the important things to remember when attempting to provide or receive support is that we can’t be fixed, and we can’t fix another person. it may not be possible or desirable to feel better.
i guess there’s a reason i’ve devoted so much of my life to peer support. heh.
