carrie you fuckwit you keep acting like it MATTERS how much we hurt. it doesn’t matter, there is no amount, there is nothing that could make anyone care. stop fucking TRYING so hard
Archive for March, 2009
i know it feels really bad but we can live through this it will get better. maybe. we are not SO selfish that we need to die.
ok, NOW you have to let us you KNOW you do you HAVE to. you have to you have to you have to
the worst thing about this neverending headache is that i can’t shake the vague feeling it’s my fault. it hurts to use my eyes; maybe i’m doing something wrong with them? looking at screens too much? maybe i need new glasses? maybe i’m not getting enough fresh air. maybe i’m eating too many crunchy foods (lots of pain at my temples, sometimes it hurts to chew). maybe i’m not getting enough exercise. maybe i’m not eating enough. maybe i’m not getting good enough nutrition. maybe i secretly want it to hurt and that’s why it’s not going away. my eyes have been itchy; maybe i just have allergies and should take some allergy medicine to break the cycle. maybe i’m clenching my jaw somehow. if i’m hurting, it must be because i want to be. (insiders think edges is saying so.) maybe there’s something that could happen if i visited the doctor but i’m too chickenshit – another way it could be my fault.
our kids talked us into getting a kindle as a reward for finishing the quarter. it’s been so unexpectedly helpful. its screen does not hurt our eyes as much (yay digital ink), and we can turn the font size way up. if we’re feeling really bad, we can even use text-to-speech and i’m actually quite impressed with the computer voice. it pauses in a lot of the right places, and pitch seems pretty appropriate. i wish it stressed italicized words, but it’s still understandable. so… that’s helpful. but this whole thing is still very worrisome. and it’s all the worse because i don’t know if there’s something i could be doing to stop it. i know i should probably see the doctor. but it’s so damn scary.
man, the interaction of mental and physical pain bites.
walk unafraid, REM
i’m frustrated that it’s still so hard to write. i’m trying to think of ways to make it easier, but i only ever end up posting to twitter. i am trying to make a space for shorter entries, less cohesive entries, whatever we need to actually get stuff written. but it’s still such a block.
there are so many thoughts tumbling around in my head. but i’ve had a headache of varying intensity for at least two weeks and it really hurts to look at the screen. i do anyway, a lot, because i’m bored. but i do pay for it.
my head hurts and my body hurts. i got a prescription for a high dose of vitamin d so i hope it helps. it doesn’t seem like something like a vitamin deficiency can be fixed very fast though. but it seems like it might have a decent chance of reducing the pain.
school is over! i mean, for now. until the end of september, to be exact. i really, really need this break. the kids lobbied really hard for it and i’m glad they did. even taking one class in this program pushes us to the limit. there are so many school-related triggers… it gets so frustrating. it’s so hard to slip productive hours in. it’s knowing our work is going to be evaluated that kills us. and lots and lots of other issues. so frustrating!
it’s going to be quite a while to catch my breath. it’s taken me almost a week not in school to do, fold, and put away the laundry – and i only did two loads. still, i finished, and i’ll work through the rest of the housework too. we have time now.
there’s nothing to say, or it feels that way, but i want to get into the habit of writing. i’ve had to work so hard removing blocks… now that they are removed, i need to use the time i have.
though our therapist pointed out yesterday that we need time to play. time to breathe. so i guess our job right now is to… have fun? (preposterous!)
every day hurts a little more… twisted, skunk anansie
our jaw is clicking and hurting. (plus we hurt all over.) it is scary
it is not fair that we got only three hours of sleep. uggggghhhhh.
