yes, i went to bed fairly early last night, but it was at least 10:30, so i have no idea why i woke up at 5:30 this morning, all traces of sleep gone. it’s not like i feel very rested. it’s not like i had bad dreams. it’s not like i’ve been having insomnia lately, not the early-morning kind. so what gives? a week and a day ago i slept in until 1:30 in the afternoon, for goodness’ sake!
Archive for February, 2008
in the spirit of posts on a certain topic, i decided to save this news for another post: i have a date for top surgery! it is july 23rd! in five months, i will not have these pendulous blobs of fat dangling from the front of me, getting in the way of everything and just being all ugly. i can’t even believe that this is really going to happen, but i am so excited.
once again, i am fighting dissociation and panic this morning. lately, it seems very difficult to become anchored. i’m not sure exactly what it is that makes me not feel anchored in time and space, what makes me not feel real and the world not feel real either, but it is actually really hard. lately, i don’t ever get that comforting feeling you get when you know where you are and what you’re supposed to do. i feel like i’m missing something important that i need to take care of. i make lists and lists but i can’t get a handle on anything.
yesterday we tipped over, proving our continual feather-lightness. i don’t even really know what made the world so overwhelming all of a sudden. it had something to do with being unable to ease into productivity, which i think is half the fault of this room (it does not WORK!), and it had something to do with a visceral memory of three or four years ago, which was triggered by our playing an older game on the playstation. it was a game we liked a lot, but apparently we just can’t play it again, because it made us feel like nothing had moved. it made us feel right back trapped in the depressing sluggish days and days. it flattened our chest and we could only draw the shallowest of breaths.
i feel strange and dissociated. i’ve gotten entirely too much sleep in the last 36 hours, and i’ve been eating a lot, too. i can’t quite get clear and clean in my head. there’s a lot i need to do. i want to be okay. i want to feel confident and connected to myself. i want to be in charge of myself and my life.
i think i’ll write a post before i play guitar today, so that i can think of other things to talk about. maybe.
yesterday was hard; i was really afraid that i couldn’t do this homework problem and of course that meant i couldn’t pass the class and couldn’t be in school at all. there’s a trillion forms to fill out even for just dropping one class; shit. it’s too overwhelming when i think about it, and it was making the hard homework problem even harder. but i kept plugging away at it in a panic-driven frenzy, and finally got something on paper, even if it isn’t a great solution. at least it’s printed, at least i have something to turn in, at least i will pass this class even if i don’t do well.
wow. just… wow. i went to the music store with ej the other day, as i mentioned, and i picked up a distortion pedal for my electric guitar. just a simple one, almost the cheapest they had. i was restrained. and i wasn’t sure it would create the sound i wanted; i wasn’t sure if i needed a preamp or something. but it works beautifully. and it sounds so damn good. just now is the first time i’ve had time to really play with it, because we were doing homework or hanging with friends or sleeping basically all the hours since we got it.
i’m not sure that i’m settled enough to write, but we can see. i’m having a good day, actually, although i am procrastinating on this week’s semantics homework. i had bagels for breakfast, and the kids spent a little time playing the sims with aeron. then, we went and got our hair cut at scream (since ej and indigos both seemed to think it was a good place to go, and it’s practically on top of our house) and it was so great. the person was very nice and very good at asking questions and we were able to ask for the back and sideburns to be straight across, and it was very nice. also, the neck hair trimmer didn’t hurt my neck the way the clippers do.
something that ej said struck me as a good quote, and thinking of it just now, i decided to finally get off my ass and port the quotes to the new design. i did that so i could quote this thing, and now i have no clue at all, it’s just gone. the more i try to think of it the farther it goes. dammit!
the tension has mostly ebbed, now. i guess it’s a gift that i can’t think of anything to say. the explosions have burned themselves out, and i am still here, happy, lonely, miserable, lost. i had a really beautiful night last night, the kind of good times that can sustain you on memory too, for a little while. i pick and sift, through what is going on, but i’m not coming up with anything to talk about. it is so public here. school’s unresolved, still, but since decisions are made for sure, the urgency of what is just paperwork fades a little. i have cut out nearly all responsibility, because i needed to. it is good, though a little hollow.
