i think this year-end is bigger for me than most. so many things are ending; my life came to a close at the end of 2007. and now there’s to be a new chapter, me as a graduate student, me single for the first time in so many years, my journey into my boyhood. everything is tantalizingly, terrifyingly close. i have to register in person (or with a fax, but i don’t have a fax machine) so i’m going to go do that on wednesday. i have a doctor’s appointment for thursday, and sharon will hopefully have written a letter by then. so next week… my life begins.
Archive for December, 2007
fuck it, i don’t care if anyone fucking sees this entry or not. i don’t care what it means about me. the voices are already chanting to me that i’m faking it and i haven’t even fucking said anything.
it was hot, i took my shirt off. and for a second it’s like i got a flash of what that would have been like if i had a body i wanted to be in. i mean if my breasts weren’t there. but i saw myself in the window, my reflection, and it was so distorted. i had to find an undershirt, although i am still hot. i can’t be with my body anymore.
i’m not really falling into Depression. not capitalized. i am ok… i guess. it’s just that everything is gone, everything is fallen apart. it’s just that there is nothing for me to do. it’s just that there’s no one i can [bring myself to] bother. it’s just that everything i do or say feels wrong. it’s just that there’s no way to be good enough.
i have got to stop drinking. i really don’t want to set a precedent of being depressed and drunk. i’ve always been a happy drunk. i don’t even know what to say. but there must be something. i keep hiding all my entries. i have to, i guess. alone forever, forever alone. i hate how stupid and derivative our programming makes us sound. alone forever, forever alone.
someone save me.
my life has been eventful lately. there’s not much i can say about some of it, but i can mention the bald truth: k– and i broke up. it was amicable, and he hasn’t wronged us or anything, but we are also not in contact for the time being. i don’t feel right writing anything about the breakup in a public journal, but i will say that though i care about him very much, it was the right thing to do.
i’d like to learn to breathe again. i was doing ok for a while, but these days there is nothing but hurt and fear. i want to learn how to be centered and calm, unbuffeted. to know that the way i am following wanders nearby the Way i want to follow; i don’t have to pull or push. letting go and doing what’s easiest will not actually lead me astray.
jolting, hiccuping with tears, contemplating the strange shapes of the duct tape that holds my life together. the backfire shocks my joints and i am sore and strained. it is enough to turn anyone in on themselves, to learn the wrong lessons and apply them the wrong ways. when relaxing and getting burned… and then never wanting to relax, not realizing the burning was just that we were relaxing on a stove. and then the stiffness of the lesson hurts others more than anything could. or some better metaphor.
i am probably hopeless.
i can’t stop thinking about people. it doesn’t make for sharable reflections.
in the world, allowing myself to think of women as an alien group – everything makes so much more sense. oh god, no wonder i could never do that or that or that. i honestly think that a part of my severe social inadequacy over the years has been not being able to interact in the world the way a girl is supposed to. i mean, obviously not exclusively. but there is some kind of sigh of relief to look at their hair and their clothes and their mannerisms and their style of relating and not try to figure out where i fit.
are we here again, with words for the shadows? an empty drizzle on insoluble surface? what can we even say? putting aside the litany, the boring repetitive streams of despair.
things are sucking in some of the least fun ways. how do i have words? i keep crying, and hating myself for crying. at least it is the real kind, chin dripping with liquid. as much as i hate to cry, i hate to fake-cry even more.
