i know there are words for me somewhere. day after day, i don’t write, because it turns prosaic or repetitive or both. i start to think there is nothing new to say anywhere. but there must be a way in which writing is a renewable resource. no matter how many times i’ve dipped into this inkwell. we don’t stop feeling, though at times during school we do a good approximation. we don’t reach anything anymore. so hyper-focused on the present. so functional. so exclusively functional.
Archive for November, 2007
falling, and falling, and falling, and stupid, and worthless, and wasteful. resources given to me are wasted; i relapse into stupidity on a chronic basis. why try, when there are so many lives that are more important? more functional? better use of space. it always comes back to this, no matter how much time it is away. supposedly, the good times outweigh the bad. but that would only work if the world were underpopulated. there are already too many. why not throw out the faulty units? at least make suicide legal and easy.
our wireless router broke and turned into a wired router recently. since the move to the bedroom, both computers have been getting online with the wifi, so i’ve been kind of screwed. we had an ethernet cord long enough for me to sit at the door of my bedroom with my laptop and be online, but that is no fun, and makes my back hurt. today aeron punched a small hole in the wall so that he could make the ethernet reach my desktop. it does, but there’s not enough cord for it to go under things, and will make me trip a lot. still, i have some kind of internet on my desktop, and i am glad.
Continue reading ‘this is how you can be walking and falling at the same time’
things are progressing along on the application front; i survived my writing help session, even if he didn’t have much to say. at least he reassured me that i included what i needed to include. i finished up on the changes we talked about this morning, and now it is ready for printing. i also have to pay, get a transcript, print a sample of my academic work (i already know what i’m going to use, my 10-page auxiliaries essay from last winter. of course i do have to find it…) i shouldn’t use this journal as a checklist, but it is good to remember what needs to happen next.
things are going well, i think. have three promised letters on their way to the ling department, told them to expect an application from me, and i even have a temporary pronoun solution (i’m going with what is on all my documentation, will deal with changing it once i’m in.) i have done everything i need to do for the letters, unless one of them has a question, so i can relax on that front. financial aid claims i’ll be able to switch my fafsa right over to graduate level. i have a writing center appointment tomorrow to finish polishing my statement of purpose, and then it is just a matter of clicking submit, and dropping the form off.
i am in an entirely undignified space right now, because i am so very
excited. i am grinning and bouncing and attempting to suppress guinea-pig-like squeals. i went and talk to the director of the MA program i want to get into… and she says i can still apply to get in next quarter! and she went over a possible schedule with me, where i graduate at basically the same time i would have if i started in the fall as a full-time student, but have a more leisurely course load.
did i mention i hate my voice? yeah. i hate my voice. i don’t know why exactly it’s feeling worse these days. i swear it seems higher, it seems ridiculous. maybe i’m just out so much of the time that it seems absurd for the outside to be so far off from the inside? every morning on my way to the shower and i see my naked body. it’s such a joke, because we’re so skinny right now that it just seems extra girly… like really close to stupid societal standards of fucking female acceptability. big breasts, tiny waist, prominent collarbone… if i could afford it, i’d feast daily on pizza so as to gain weight. not that it would really help that much. at least my breasts are easy to bind right now.
i’ve updated wordpress to the newest version, which has native tag support. so i’ve converted all the categories to tags – except the insider categories. i’m going to use the category system solely for authors, now, so i changed the mention of categories on an entry to reflect that (it now says “by” instead of “in”).
because i just did a simple conversion, there may be times when we talked about an insider, but that insider didn’t actually write the entry. i’ll try and find these and correct them, but i may not be able to find them all. in the future, however, i will put people as tags if they are only being talked about. so from here on out the categories reflect who wrote the entry. of course, it still won’t say who wrote which parts, but it’s still better than before. i’m a bit excited to use a tag system instead, actually. it appeals to the compulsive archivist in us, because it’s more normal to have large numbers of tags than it is to have large numbers of categories. it just fits better and makes searching easier.
my idleness is indefensible. i have a lot to do today, but i just sit around reading my rss feeds, playing shareware games, and just generally lolling about. i really hope i don’t fail this class. at least i made progress yesterday, finishing most of my program for thursday (i only have to put a few more testing methods in and then print a transcript of my unix session testing my code.) it was big and bad and scary, and i am really sick of pointers. in some ways, i’m almost glad to be taking the test tomorrow, because it will mean i get to think about wonderful scheme a bit more. after that it’s all downhill… i have no illusions that i’ll like assembly any more than i like c!
