Written on October 29, 2007 by cynthia.
today: practiced guitar, heated leftovers for lunch, cleaned out one of my desk drawers, emailed psych med prescriber about fuckup with pharmacy, ate breakfast. after class, will go to gym with k–.
yesterday: cooked pasta-roni (hence leftovers) for dinner, went grocery shopping twice, picked up prescriptions, returned library books, cleaned room, put away dishes and did a new load, fried an egg for lunch, took care of self by coming home when we needed to, helped aeron go to the haircutter’s, finished with writing survey questions and inputting them into a web form thing, emailed group-mate about survey, all on three-and-a-half hours of sleep.
tomorrow: go to therapy again!!
i think this new room o’ mine feeds me psychic energy. or something. 
we’re having a hard time getting along with aeron right now. it just seems like he is really insensitive. so we are hiding in our room with the door shut. we are hungry, but dishes need done before anyone can eat. i mean i’m eating stuff that doesn’t require dishes, but it’s not really Food. we could cook, but we can’t take doing the dishes for aeron again. he says we are always so mean to him. i feel really bad about that but i really don’t see it.
Continue reading ‘i guess i’d like to be alone’
Written on October 22, 2007 by Uncategorized.
every time i think i’ve gained equanimity, every time i think i’m finally owning only my own stuff and no one else’s, every time i think my hope is based on something inside myself – poof, everything goes kablooie. who the hell do i ever think i’m kidding? it’s not like i talk to others and be like, “oh, my okayness does not depend on your mood, it is my own.” i don’t go around talking about it constantly but i do strive. i tell myself that my self ends at my skin. that i don’t have to take in anything else. that it is not the before when we had to feel responsible for the turning of the sun and moon. we are not responsible for others. we can’t survive if we are always as upset and sad as the most upset person in our world. it isn’t even fair to them, to get upset when they are.
but every time i tell myself i am inching along, i get pulled up short, and realize that the good place i inhabited was only at the grace of others. that nothing comes from inside. that the kernel of worth, of autonomy, was an illusion.
Written on October 22, 2007 by Uncategorized.
virginia woolf put it well. there is nothing like a room of one’s own. i feel more hope for the future of our continued existence in this apartment than i have in quite some time. it’s been a decade since i really truly had my own room. i am feeling very grateful and hopeful. that maybe we could be roommates, maybe it would work. that maybe i don’t need to wait a year to have the separateness i crave. i feel like a jerk for wanting to not be together when he is being so helpful and sweet in helping set up my room.
Continue reading ‘a room!’
Written on October 19, 2007 by cynthia.
i know this kind of mood never lasts, but i figure i should post about it while i can! remembering light in dark times, etc.
we are just feeling so great today. yesterday was seriously the awesomest day ever. we are really proud of ourselves for several different reasons, and it just feels like everything in our life is going in a good direction. everything seems slightly more manageable and just… yeah. things are going in the right direction, and we have therapy again in just two weeks!
Continue reading ‘i’ve got my orange crush’
Written on October 18, 2007 by Uncategorized.
it’s like i want to write, but i get so frozen. oh tired words i’ve said a million times. we miss our therapist. we wish nymph could be in therapy right now. i have nothing to complain about, everything is fine, but i am also disintegrating as usual. like soggy paper, clumpy. nothing satisfies and nothing comes clean with scrubbing.
Written on October 16, 2007 by matt.
i keep starting entries, but then i realize that i have nothing to say. things don’t change much. school is kicking my ass (what else is new?) nothing i could say feels important. i am sick of the same old whining… not that everything is so terrible. i’m okay. some things are going well. i still have relationship woes that i can’t solve just by thinking or making resolutions or even by changing. i still go back and forth day by day. i had more sureness for a while; i was sure that i wanted to leave. but nymph absolutely freaked out… and i just don’t know. it’s not like he’s a bad person.
Continue reading ‘it’s four o’clock it’s got to stop’
Written on October 9, 2007 by kat and katy.
tonight i want to feel sad. roll it around at the heavy base of my chest. i don’t care if it’s called wallowing, i don’t care if i am selfish. there’s an ache with me always, and it pulls lowly every moment. it sits opposite depression, waiting to take me through to the other side, where i really want to go. i cry so little, but i cry a thousand times more often than i used to. there are no tears allowed me today.
Continue reading ‘it moans so dark and low’
i am scared to go to k–’s. he is going to be mad at us and it’s going to be cold and unfriendly and i hate myself and want to die. oh no wait, i don’t want to die. just scared little little little scared. it’s cold everywhere. my legs are cold. we had a pumpkin latte this morning, it was pretty good. that’s the one good thing about this season. pumpkin everything! we love pumpkin as a flavor. we do not like it as a squash. we prefer butternut. it’s not really pumpkin flavor. it’s more like “fall spices blend.” i’m sure you know what i’m talking about.
Continue reading ‘world serves its own needs’
