Written on August 29, 2007 by cynthia.
what we’d really like for our birthday: friends to come over and help us have a massive cleaning/decluttering day. especially, a friend with a car to take things to the thrift store for us.
i am so sick of living in this house. i can’t stand the thought of school starting and still living like this. we’ve been so good this summer, and we’ve been making definite progress, but i dream of a day when we only have to do maintenance cleaning. i know we could keep up. we’re so different from how we used to be. matt has done two loads of dishes in as many days. dishes are the big evil scary chore we never, ever do.
it isn’t hard to keep up with what we’ve done. it’s just hard to get ahead, like the decluttering part of it.
anyway. that was my completely frivolous journal entry for the day.
Written on August 27, 2007 by nymph.
we keep thinking i’ll just write something. to have an edge to get under. we keep thinking there will be something to say. but there isn’t. i am so sad but there isn’t anything to say. i hate being all big. will therapy make me be big forever? being big is depressing. i am sad through and through. they keep thinking i at least have some story to tell, but i’m not so sure.
Continue reading ‘can’t stop what is on its way’
Written on August 27, 2007 by Uncategorized.
i’m feeling unmotivated this morning. some thread i can’t grasp, that would connect me to the things i want to do. the panic hasn’t abated all that much. luckily ativan allowed me to sleep last night. it’s been really bad, the panic. i’m not quite sure what to do with that. it is just there. it feels now like it would be sooooo much easier to skip the birthday – but then, i’m sure if we actually attempted to do that, some people inside would be disappointed. the one good thought to hold on to is breakfast the morning of. i think that’s the only thing we’re really able to look forward to.
Continue reading ‘not much new there’
Written on August 26, 2007 by Uncategorized.
it feels like it’s been a little while since i’ve written. perhaps there would be something to say.
my birthday is at the end of this month, and i think people inside are finally starting to freak out about it. panic attacks every night for the past three (four?) nights. we feel like we will die if we do not distract ourselves at a frantic pace. like there is something we have to outrun.
Continue reading ‘abortive’
Written on August 24, 2007 by matt.
it was nice to go to group last night. to have a space without the tension, where people even corrected themselves on the pronouns 90% of the time. or k– corrected them.
he sets a good example. so i guess i don’t really need to correct on my own behalf much anymore, which is good because i always feel so petty and selfish when i correct people. at the same time, i know that it’s hard to change over and i’m helping people by correcting them. still just feels selfish, so it is nice that others are remembering more and even correct each other for me.
Continue reading ‘the question that says everything’
Written on August 23, 2007 by claire.
nymph, cynthia, and i decided to have a girl’s day of it, and wore the little grey t-shirt. it’s been… interesting, being out. there’s more wanting aeron to be happy than wanting to be here in the world. it hasn’t been a great day. matt has been getting all kinds of stuff done this summer. he goes through his days differently. he is brave, and he has less problems with leaving the house, with cleaning, with talking to people. with everything, it seems like.
Continue reading ‘just means what it means.’
Written on August 21, 2007 by matt.
i feel melancholy and mad at self. angry for my angst. angry because it all means nothing if i can’t just be happy. but then, every day i see it is different. i am tortured on some things, but i’m not pining. not even mostly wanting to self harm. i start to want to obliterate myself in my thoughts, the old comfy suicidality, but then i remember i don’t have to go there. i don’t really want to be gone. i just want to be myself. myselves. this is not melodrama. just drama. walking, always falling (each step, you fall forward slightly… then catch yourself from falling.)
Continue reading ‘a question if you have to ask’
Written on August 19, 2007 by matt.
we went camping with k– yesterday (friday night to saturday). we took his motorcycle and our scooter to bainbridge island to a campground he remembered there. i should write more about it later, but in case i don’t, i just wanted to post a quick note. because if i can’t be boring and obsessed in my journal, where can i be?
so k– had gone to go buy some water while we were waiting in line for the ferry to come back, and i was just sitting on the scooter (fun that it can be basically a chair when it’s on the center stand) waiting around. there were a couple of teenage-looking boys (my brother’s age, maybe a bit younger) waiting for the ferry with bicycles. one of them came over to me and said, “hey buddy, is that one of those vespa things?”
we had a short conversation about scooters. buddy is a gendered term, right? it sure felt like it was the way it was said. he did not look taken aback or weirded out when i opened my mouth. (hell he probably thought i was just about his age.) and you’d be surprised how often people will apologize when they decide they read you wrong. people tend to think it is this giant crime, like the woman at the hostel in vancouver. so, i passed for a short conversation!
Written on August 15, 2007 by matt.
wow. i am feeling so needy right now. what in the fucking hell is wrong with me?
i think i’m unbalanced from lack of sleep. yeah, that must be it.
holy shit i am sick of myself.
