sometimes healing happens underground and then bursts up to the surface. sometimes there are earth-shattering revelations.
how we worded it in a chat: we don’t have to be a pendulum back to whore for the cult. that’s not what being multiple is about. that’s crap but we’ve always thought it was just balance or something… trying to be responsible.
i’m not sure that more words would say how big and clear and open and good this is feeling. so i think i’ll just leave it at that, even if it’s not enough context.
Written on July 31, 2007 by matt.
i am exhausting myself these days. my brain is a constant whirl and nothing feels like resting. clutching to the bumpy ride of some emotional growth spurt, powerless to take a breath, turning thoughts around and around and around in my head like worry stones. gender is a focus, but these unceasing streams of thought are more complex and varied than just that. i feel close enough to nearly touch some kind of needed clarity, but prevented at the last minute.
Continue reading ‘i just want to be a good man’
Written on July 30, 2007 by claire.
i’m taking a break between uploading pictures. i got caught up from art group a week ago (hopefully no one minds the volume, but i figure that’s what the flickr group is there for, and people from group will want to see.) next i want to get some up from vancouver. oh, heh, and i need to upload the journal entries i wrote there. it was too much of a pain to get online.
Continue reading ‘faster than a roulette wheel’
Written on July 29, 2007 by matt.
i want it so much it hurts.
i passed at least 75% of the time in vancouver.
Continue reading ‘i am spinning with longing’
Written on July 29, 2007 by matt.
it will be nice to sleep in our own bed tonight. but we were up and doing stuff often enough that we were exhausted by the time we went to bed. all in all, i think it’s been a good trip. just very overwhelming.
Continue reading ‘vancouver 3′
Written on July 28, 2007 by matt.
so, the day is over. at least, we are in the room for tonight. so long. so over-filled. i can’t wait to get back to seattle, which feels so friendly somehow. it was a good day, i guess.
i don’t have a knack or a groove for writing about events. but it is nice to look back in a journal and have more than unrooted musings.
Continue reading ‘vancouver 2′
Written on July 28, 2007 by matt.
it is hard to write because we are anxious, because it seems like k– is impatient, because everything is so anxious, because our computer keeps crashing.
Continue reading ‘vancouver 1′
i can trade a bag of pop rocks for a cigarette. ~ someone standing on broadway at 9am.
i read for too long, i am so queasy. don’t know why it built as i read, headache nausea, but it did. i ate too little then too much. i feel silly, i feel guilty, i feel self-absorbed as ever. or rather, i feel as ever that i am self-absorbed.
last night i had a little joy, which i lost. i can remember trappings, the thought of inhabiting my skin to sense and feel and be real, i thought i’d go read in the park, maybe, which i still want to do. i lost it mostly, but felt it was there to come back to. it was being myself, matt, and allowing real life to happen to me. i get angry and it is not all chris’s, though he steps in to help me often. i hide behind it not being me, but i get angry too.
Continue reading ’so i caught me here’
