it’s not that i’m trying to hang on to any kind of pride, or get anything out of these struggles. i’m not hiding anything, am i? i’m not trying to. i really want to make things better. so why do i keep being so bad?
i feel completely empty. completely worthless. irreparably broken.
i hate myself.
i feel rewarded, and humbled. relieved. suddenly nothing is quite as unmanageable. and yes, of course, i feel stupid. but that goes with almost any territory. learning to ignore it is a valuable skill.
it’s funny to write, because stillness is honored more by not-writing. but if i want to remember the stillness, it would be good to take notes. to come back to myself. to seem empty, being full.
mercy, moderation, modesty. yes. what do they mean to me?
i feel empty and lost today. the tragedy i thought was averted happened again – in a manner of speaking. someone knocked over our scooter while it was parked and broke off the very same mirror. they didn’t even put it back up; some other people did, and left me a note, with a license plate number of the person they thought might have been responsible.
is to slowly unfurl, shell-shocked; is to peer around my life with a pale face. i need to fumble my fingers blindly over myself, checking for damage, checking in. to see what the cost has been. to restore wholeness.
yes, the quarter is over. we pushed ourselves so far past our endurance limit, it was almost surreal. we have never stuck it out when it was that bad, before. but we did it. our grades might not be the best, but we survived.
it’s over.
i can’t believe it. <hr>
no words of my own spring to mind. but there is something i would remind myselves. there must be some way of speaking.
yesterday was hard. everything was a struggle. we are so unsure. so full of regret and longing and painful fear. even, maybe, damnable hope. we were mostly miserable until just before we came home.
Continue reading ‘will of the only way that could have brought me here today’
