there’s bad, bad things in our head. hard to get anything past to the outside. struggled with ten different ways to write this entry. sweet defeat. reality is so distorted, so distorted! it is hard to believe we will ever get out. it is impossible to believe we are worth it. i can’t judge these words, no perception survives the bad things, the old words. the ever-new words. just… no. i can’t. but defeat is so saccharine… i’m tired of sucking on air.
Archive for May, 2007
from therapy: why is it so important to believe that no one cares?
i don’t have the answer. but the presupposition is valid. somebodies are clinging so desperately to “no one cares”, it’s almost a mantra. it’s crushing us. we’re choking on it.
the only clue so far is she asked what would be the best thing about no one caring, and they said if no one cared, we would be allowed to die.
if i survive till the middle of june, i think i’ll feel like i’ve come through a war. we’re doing worse than we have since the precipitation of the hospital visit in 2005. i am so very exhausted and alone. i am pretty sure i failed my math midterm, which is around 20% of the grade, maybe more. i’m not being cute or underestimating how i did. i froze, my brain would not function, and i forgot my calculator. (is someone inside trying to sabotage us? i was so stressed and obsessing over the math test, how could i forget?) this week has been so, so long.
i don’t know how much longer i can do this.
excuse my asking, but would you allow me to enter your chamber?
