these weighted limbs are all my rebellion
these insolent eyelids that won’t stay up
to let me look at you
this thick air i’m wading through
it’s ephemeral stone
yesterday and tomorrow, i’ll flow frantic
supple, needy, oh desperate, all for you
i don’t claim to own my soul
except just now, face down
sand like tides in my ears
breath like water, laden with gravity
my will, not free, but coalescing slow as honey
maybe you don’t either.
the frustrating thing is, all of my classes would be really great to devote all my time and attention to. but all together, i can’t appreciate them.
oh, ache, ache, ache. give me a bowl full of tears, give me something to hide under. there is a physical ache in my chest. four hours of homework today, seven saturday and one yesterday, and still the world is so oppressive and full of unmet demands. i want to drop out of it. sink without ripples.
i’m braced, walled against the threat that is not there. i’m tense, and tight, and spilling with tears. if i weren’t tense, i’d be crying. relaxation comes at too great a price. who would want to be around me like that? i’m not doing well.
is it workload? really? or is that just a more comfortable thing to tell ourselves? since friday, everything has been hard. we didn’t get as much done this weekend as we would have liked, but we did plenty. still, no satisfaction, no self-forgiveness. just sadness over everything. welling copious unconstrained sadness.
i guess we’ll get through it. we always have. but it feels very hard. we want to beg for help, but there’s nothing anyone can do, is there? or is that another lie we need to tell ourselves?
if there was anything we needed or wanted, it’s not like we could ask for it. anytime we’re in a hard space and we imagine reaching out, we play the interaction in our head, and realize there’s nothing that could help. that’s why we never called our old therapist, jayla. but if i decide that the people i know are too hard up themselves before i ever talk to them, how will i ever get anything? but should i even ever get anything?
we are sooo femmey today. it is fun.
