i’ve been madly cleaning again today (interspersing it with guitar hero seems to work rather well) and as a result, the living room is now also clean. the kitchen still needs a lot of work. aeron normally ties up the trash bags for us to take them out, but he has been refusing to do most of his chores, so i did it. he did one load of dishes, but i estimate there are at least a load and a half’s worth left. i also finished inputting all the latin flashcards for next quarter. i hope that will make things easier.
Archive for December, 2006
this morning we woke up so depressed. i don’t know, we were so overwhelmed, but i think not really doing christmas was probably a bad call. we couldn’t get out of bed for a long time. just so depressed. the house wasn’t even clean. the kitchen stank. the living room, that we made such an effort to clear of clutter, was full of crap again. unless you have limitless energy, it’s impossible to effect any cleanliness when someone else is there to undo it. whine whine. i know. but we really are very upset.
oh, tonight hangs heavy on me. i feel like lead. there’s nothing rational there, nothing i can talk myself out of or even understand, i just feel like shit. talked to dad and mom both, yesterday. i feel under-thumb. it feels hard to breathe. i want to weep a while and see if that makes anything better. i want to cut, and i want to open veins. i want to go jump from somewhere high. i want to drink. i just want to be somewhere other than my head.
Continue reading ‘and now i guess i need your help and now i’
okay. so let’s talk. who cares what about. just talk.
i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i hate myself, there is nothing good in the entire universe, i can’t do anything on my game, i’m a worthless person that everyone hates, we live in a pigsty and can’t manage to clean it up, everything is too weighted and difficult and depressing. i’m feeling all immobilised. we got ourselves treats but i can’t even remember what we got and we don’t seem to have anything good to eat. i can’t eat anything because the dishes are all dirty. i can’t even go into the bedroom without tripping over crap that WE should clean up. but how can we clean up, how can we push ourselves and set the timer if there is nothing happy to do in between? what’s the point of setting a timer when we have nothing to go back to? we can’t even play our game, we suck at it.
brain: thick
cunt: wet
feet: cold
head: heavy
stomach: bottomless
want: to die
need: company
programming: doing very well
hope: hidden, silent
hands: stilled
funny, i haven’t moved in five years. that’s kind of chilling. i didn’t realize it was so long ago that we wrote about that. (there’s earlier entries too, even.) cold seeps through my bones tonight. i saw things i wrote that i had forgotten we already knew, but that we knew again. things about the loneliness and the coldhot way back then. and i can’t quite describe why, but somehow that is validating in the creepiest way. if i could forget the story entirely, but tell it again the same way, then maybe it really happened.
i guess i should be glad for validation. but to be honest, the horror of it being real, the hugeness of my impotence in the face of such organization, flattens me. not in a oh-i’m-hurt-but-i’m-healing sort of way. in a suicide-seems-the-right-idea sort of way. because it feels like i can never get beyond that. especially if it’s real…
the grades for psychology of language are posted, and i got a 4.0. 99.3333 average, how do you like them apples?
i fully expect more 4.0’s to duly follow suit. i’m looking at you, computer class. (i’m not so worried about latin, though i am a little because aeron said the final was really hard. i didn’t think it was so hard, but now i’m afraid i missed something.)
celebrate me, i am smart. s-m-r-t!
i owe my time to studying, especially now that i actually seem to be able to. (knock wood.) (chris: heh. you said wood.) but i’m sure i can take fifteen minutes to write thisorthat. yesterday was scary in the not being able to concentrate world. there is a big fat test (1/3 of our grade) tomorrow, and it is the kind that Actually requires studying.
i found out we got 100 and 99 on the first two tests, though. so that is good. i figured out that i only need to get an 83 on the last test in order to get a 4.0 in the class. which should assuage our anxiety. (but since when have we ever done what we should?)
so what do we do? it seems a little ridiculous to think that anyone could get better when they were there. the first step must be taking her away from there.
you’ve upset things enough already. just leave it be.
there may be hands and eyes, but there are no people. she is completely alone in there.
except for katerina?
just because she can write for her doesn’t mean she’s company.
she needs some company.
riven) is there a need of me?
no. i don’t think so. you all have tampered with enough. no delving into other mirrors!
katerina) i’d have to rewrite the tale. and i’ve spun enough.
kate) but don’t you think it’s for a noble cause? don’t you want to help her?
katy, sarcastically) yes, slave, haven’t you found enough joy in your given labor? shall we all kiss up to those who ignore us?
beth) we’re not ignoring… we’re trying not to ignore.
katy) i didn’t mean it bitterly, i guess. just found the guilt trip a little ridiculous.
katerina) the tale is spun. rewinding takes time; it upsets things;
