i should write about this. i should have written about this friday, when it happened. i haven’t had the heart, or known what to say.
we took the rats in to the vet to see about their tumors. they had to be put to sleep.
Archive for June, 2006
my legs ache and ache. i don’t know if i slept on them wrong, or they’re holding stress, or what. last night we were sooo nauseous, to the point of throwing up. i hate that so much. and aeron seems to think it’s such a commonplace event that i don’t need any taking care of around it. sure, if i ask for something specific, like tea, he might get off of his game for five minutes to give it to me. but what we need so much is just someone to take charge. to tell us it’s going to be okay. to hold our hair, or at least be concerned and present when we come out of the bathroom.
i don’t know, i guess we are stupid. lately we are so klutzy, socially. i can’t gauge whether or not i’m being appropriate towards the people in my life at any given time. sometimes we feel annoyed at other people, which sometimes turns into rage directed at ourselves. where the hell do we get off, anyway? i’m tired. i don’t want to have friends or a lover or a therapist any more. i am so tired of judging myself in advance, my head echoing with the worst that people would say.
Continue reading ‘like water on a stain’
so, we got a 4.0 in both our classes this quarter. i am reasonably proud. i really wasn’t expecting it, after last quarter.
we are learning to drive. it is extremely stressful. it’s like having a final every day. and we’re so shy and anxious that we can never check in with the instructor about what we’re going to do – we haven’t parked, backed up, or done three-point turns yet. and i know that all of that is going to be on the test. i’d really like to ask when we’re going to cover that, because i’ve had six lessons and there are only four more. it is very very exciting to think of having our scooter.
Continue reading ‘you’d really be astonished at the force of my suggestion’
we did it. we finished our last final, and are free for four months. everyone says, “what are you going to do for the summer?” and we say “nothing,” and they say, “good.” i don’t know why it should be so good. i’m drowning with the prospect of blank, nothing days. we had our first therapy session since sharon got back, yesterday. it was frustrating. i wonder, a little, if we could stay so functional for the month without, why spend such time and effort and energy on it? why do it at all? especially when there are, we found out, at most five more years, and she still thinks (although we’ve had seven years of therapy) that we’re not ready for memory work. not that i was able to be very direct. we can’t speak plainly, and we can’t switch much, and we can’t share our feelings. it’s all very frustrating. what is wrong with us anyway? aeron says to look at the progress we’ve made. yes, but… i am spending money, and time, and so much energy on this… and i can’t even switch, and i’m not even in “phase 2″? very discouraging.
it’s hard to write. i feel spiteful towards the people that will read this and judge me. i am tired of opinions and feelings. but here i am in the summer, so i’d better use it to the best advantage possible.
Continue reading ‘and start splashing around’
