Written on April 28, 2006 by Uncategorized.
i am afraid to believe in the actuality of the weekend. it’s so frustrating, to go back and forth between nothing wrong and absolutely everything is, school out of the question, suicide the only comforting thought. that and masturbating, which is a way of humiliating ourselves. our fantasies can’t help but reinforce the messages from the past. nothing else is hot. and beer, and sometimes tv.
i mean, as long as i have the in between times, right? but they’re getting less and less. i’ve had to force some stuff to come that wouldn’t, and do a half-assed job. i hope that’s not the beginning of the end. but there was stuff due and we were freaking out the whole damn day.
Continue reading ‘we’re on either side, scared to say we’re friends’
Written on April 9, 2006 by Uncategorized.
i don’t know why life has gotten so damn hard. each day at a different time, with a different triggering event, we’re slammed into mind-blowing despair. trying to claw our skin off because there is no sitting still with it. nothing helps. nothing feels like it will help. we’re horrible to be around and there’s just… nothing. can’t get anything done. and then, a few hours later, or the next day… it’s fine. i mean, it’s not great, but it’s life. i won’t say i relish it but i am doing it. ticking off tasks, plugging away at homework, repeating my flashcards every day.
Continue reading ‘let’s just say i’m doing fine’
is there any room in life outside of a to-do list? is there room inside one to be multiple? (it cracks me up, when drafting lists and sorting by “context” – like home, phone, computer, school: where we need to be when we do the thing – having people’s names. ie, todo.olivia. because it’s totally a context. a place we need to be or tool we need to have to do the thing. but it’s such a unique thing about our experience.)
susan’s ears are perked up, because claire and cynthia are working hard on getting organized, so that maybe life doesn’t have to be so hard. thus the talk about to-do lists. it’s the same as going gaga over office supplies. so easy to procrastinate the task with the preparation for the task. always has been…
but i think we’re striking an all right balance. so far. if we keep it up. we like a lot of the ideas we’ve been implementing.
Continue reading ‘i want you to be come on now special’
we got new glasses! indigo and diane took us to get them, they came back from the place really fast. it is sooo amazing. it will be so cool to go to school on monday and see everything! it is really good that something nice happened because stuff has been reallllly hard lately. spring is so funny. it gets all sunny outside and somewhere we’re like… ah. this is easier. but then we have the whole stupid stuff that can make spring hard. but we are still doing ok. no one has cut, and we are trying hard to band together and stuff. we are staying caught up in school (yeah i know, not much when it’s only one week in!) and working really hard in therapy. the oops are kind of a focus there. and we got olivia a book but we’re not sure if she likes it yet. but people like matt like it so far as we can tell, so it’s not wasted. there’s a lot of hard stuff. but we are trying to be ok. it is really hard sometimes, but we feel full of sun this morning.
Continue reading ‘i’m an overacheiver of the wrong persuasion’
