depression dive-bombed us. it was circling, yes, and we were slogging a bit, but a few days ago it just came down out of the sky and stuck fast and hit us hard. we can’t seem to shake it loose.
last night, when we were trying to sleep, we cried for about an hour. i don’t know if that helped. i don’t know if it hurt. it was kind of a relief. to just give in to the despair. (we think despair means there is hope. because it is the root of the word desperation, and if we really had no shred of hope left we would be dead and flat, not wildly clinging and clawing at the tiny shreds of hope or light that we have.) there is a kind of purity in crying, i guess. i mean, most of us wanted to cut instead, but i guess crying doesn’t leave the same kind of scars. we were so very sad. we didn’t have to try to do anything but be sad. we just let ourselves cry.
Continue reading ‘does crying help?’
Written on November 23, 2005 by morgan.
ok i am very excited because we are going to have thanksgiving today! that way us kids can still have a nice nice holiday and fun but then the big people can not eat tomorrow to protest or whatever. they call it “fasting”. except they might not fast really good. but they just don’t like the origins of thanksgiving and stuff. but we still like to have what our t said just a “harvest festival”!!! we really want to help and do a lot of stuff. i hope that aeron is up for it. we kids made a list of everything we want there to be if we got absolutely everything we wanted. i’m going to put it below so you have to click “more” to get to it.
Continue reading ‘oishii… delicious’
Written on November 21, 2005 by claire.
yesterday ended up being really good. really hard, with lots of crying in the middle, and wanting so badly to die, but lots of nice stuff too. namely, grilled cheese-and-tomato sandwich with tomato soup, a rented movie, and a sushi dinner. do you realize we haven’t had sushi since we left santa cruz? it’s funny how it takes so long to find all the good restaurants.
Continue reading ‘グレーが すきです。’
Written on November 20, 2005 by claire.
i don’t know why, but it seems that i write less often when i try to do it in notepad first. it’s just that i don’t want to lose my data, but when i used to log in to mt just to write, it seems like i would end up with a published entry more of the times than when i open notepad to write. i wish writing weren’t so hard – there’s so much going on with that and i don’t know what any of it is. existing in the world. being a person. being heard. silence is golden, and all that crap.
Continue reading ‘fall for this every time’
Written on November 17, 2005 by renee and sg.
scared of sleep. that’s been a theme lately. scared of the stirring up of feeling so… close to relaxed at group. like it would be okay to be crazy. that’s so dangerous. what is wrong with us? we feel so scared that we will get angry again, we have been angry sometimes lately and that is very scary. it is hard to keep it all under wraps. it is hard to write. we missed therapy and we feel very guilty about that. we miss all the support we got when we were more “officially” having a hard time. we are scared of getting a bad grade on the test tomorrow since we messed up a whole section last time even though we knew the material. some of us want to die lots. lots of us want to cut so very badly lately. wethey can taste it, can feel it, live it over and over again. i know aeron would say that’s bad for us but we can’t help it. just want to do damage to this self, this body. what right do we fucking have to exist.
Continue reading ‘oh dear, babblings and dumbnesses’
Written on November 9, 2005 by claire and kat.
we’ve been writing, but not showing. only bits here and there, even privately. this is dangerous, delicate, impossible. don’t want to give the wrong impression. we talked to aeron about how it was like lighting a candle in a vacuum – at any rate, somewhere without oxygen. you can go through the motions, and have all the ingredients, but something just tamps down on it before it can even get started. nothing showy or dramatic. just a lack of a necessary ingredient to – burn, or in this case – speak.
i want to be normal again. be a person not governed by fear. be in the world.
not safe. not safe. not safe.
confused.
we have to get to therapy tomorrow.
is that going to be okayNOTOKAYNOTOKAY
i get that there’s a lot of blocks.
but doesn’t everyone want our life to go on?
is there anyone in the system that doesn’t want us to go to school?
yes…
can i speak with any of those peopleNO
hm…
Continue reading ‘1,001 mirrors’
so, maybe today will be the day i Actually write something. i wrote yesterday, and the day before, but didn’t have the guts to post them. not that they were hard or scary entries. just writing at all has been extremely difficult.
i’m determined that things will be okay this week. that i will show up for group (which is going to have two new people, my goodness. if everyone shows up i will need five chairs in addition to three of us sitting on the couch. that’s exactly how many chairs we own, not counting the computer chairs.) i’m still shaky on whether i can show up for therapy. i know i should. i’m just really, really anxious about it.
Continue reading ‘is today the day?’
how about today? is today the day it will be okay to talk again? safely, privately, carefully? please?
(and why does it matter to you so much?)
often, i know, we go for weeks without writing, and it doesn’t mean anything’s amiss. but right now there really, really is.
Continue reading ‘is there anybody going to listen to my story?’
nothing good can come of this… mark my fucking words.
i want to cut, die, cut, die. coping strategies?
what are things that babies can do that make them feel better?
die die die die die die die die
shit.
lol…
colorshuttheFUCKup
watch the fucking depressing tv that makes them want to die
play the game they don’t have the attention span for
fucking DIE
Continue reading ’shut up’
