i have found what will do me in, the thing that one day will be my demise because it is my greatest weakness. are you ready?
pumpkin-flavored doughnut holes.
that’s all i had to say.
Archive for October, 2005
i am slow and dubious this morning. why do we always leave to get to school a half an hour early? isn’t an hour-long class enough for us? what the hell? therapy today, and i’m better enough that i really have no excuse for not going. so i’ll go. but, ugh. what are we going to talk about? more about how we’re not ready for halloween and we’re totally unsuccessful at helping those who are scared?
oh, well. i have something to prove; of course i’ll go. i have to do what’s expected of me. even when i want to stay home and play civilization. i guess it will be a good chance to work on japanese, though. on the bus, and etc.
i guess i go to school so early because i get so anxious when the time to leave draws close. i just want to get it over with. even though leaving sooner won’t do that.
if anyone’s keep track, i just threw up all the lovely tummy-soothing peppermint tea we drank, which must have dislodged a blood clot in one of our missing teeth because now we’re (slowly) spitting blood. i know we only have three pills (antibiotics) left, but oh my god i don’t know if i can make it. at least i’m relatively sure that’s what it is…..
throwing up is generally like a horrible kind of vindication. “see! i wasn’t fricking faking it!” only this time, there was nothing at question; we knew we were sick. there was no vindication. there was just the horrible, horrible, peppermint-flavored bile.
i am sick of nausea, pun freaking intended. i am sick of feeling horrible all the time. i am sick of not being able to live my normal life and do normal things and EAT normal things! i am not having fun and i don’t want to live if this is how it is! it doesn’t HELP that i don’t have a game right now.
i just, i rebel. i don’t know know. bleah. can it be over yet? or can we just go to sleep forever? without feeling nauseous? will i ever not feel nauseous again?
convalescing sucks. especially that phase after the coddling and drugging can reasonably continue. at least in the initial invalid phase, there’s no question of being Useful, no worries about trying to be normal, no compunction in asking for help regarding every little thing.
but right now, we have to choose between pain (ibuprofen) and nausea (vicodin) and we’re going with pain. we’re still fairly nauseous constantly, probably from the unaccustomed soft diets and antibiotics. (yup, the bladder infection.) but it’s worse on the vicodin. but the pain isn’t really taken care of with the ibuprofen. such is life.
Continue reading ‘it’s all a plastic plan’
- bladder infection (the meds for which will probably give me a yeast infection)
- horrible nausea to the point of puking
- wisdom teeth removed tomorrow
and that’s just the physical stuff.
Continue reading ‘oh, man’
it’s a grey and a cold day, a wrap myself up in lonely lostanxious day, a day of nuclear sandwich pie. yesterday was hard, it was blunt and flat and heavy as a kick. i struggled a little with the weight of it but that was just wasted energy, so i tried laying still. driving out myself from myself, to see if that would glean me a little relief. self-denial where self-love doesn’t work.
but even i couldn’t stay with the logic of the self-deniers long, so circular was it, so i am back to nothing. a disturbing kind of depression and anxiety, where the only drive i can find that is left is to sleep or eat. never hungry though. just always want to eat. always empty, never hungry. should be the name of something.
so there’s a roiling edge, and a flat stone for on top of it. i don’t know which is better. if only i could grind up the stone into the turbulence, balance, except that would probably just fling black rock-dust into my face.
yesterday didn’t demand functionality so the flat stone laid on me all day. today…
every time we see any kind of music live, we are inspired and crushed to the floor with our own music. not so bad, last night; maybe we owe it to not having picked up a guitar even for the slightest bit in months. but there is a spark, was/is, always, and for the first time since february we put our brush to paper. instead of despairing a little on the guitar, convert the spark to a different medium than the one that triggered it so we don’t have to find ourselves so lacking.
some technique we forgot. it is a flower, we were painting, and after the first wash i tried some wet-in-wet when i really needed the control of a graded wash, instead. so the petals are all piecemeal and the color, while accurate to life, is not one we like. it seems about right for an eight-month break from painting. i’m taking a break while it dries, trying to think of what to put in the background. there’s an extra nice feeling painting this flower, because not only is it the first we’ve tried, we took the picture in texas when we visited chimera. so the feeling of closeness is good.
Continue reading ‘no half-measures’
i just realized:
i don’t have to do anything with it,
and
i don’t have to deny it.
(all the same, i’m glad we couldn’t really see her face.)
or old, hopless loves. it’s a today theme and it’s deeper but it’s harder. miss you my darlings. i’ll never be close to you really but reading is like coming home. i put T+^# in my code thinking of two hopeless loves which was a bit presumptious. but whatever.
(i swear we had seen that code before, certainly we know and care for the people who made it. but it was new to ustoday, to claire, so we whiled away a half hour with it. i think it would be insufferable to post the results. but we mentioned the T thing because we feel like being cryptic.)
can we go back to unconnected nobody nevergonnahave anybody? real life friends hurt, deeper older unshakeable friends hurt worse. just to be alone?
(one new real life cuts as deep i think, but not as old. the rest, they’re wonderful, but it’s just that they’re here.)
sick of myself!!!!! maybe this should go in notyou. oh, well.
