anxious, lonely, scared. not sure what to do. we have some huge anxiety about going out. probably going to preemptively take a pill when we leave the house. can’t decide what to wear. can’t decide who we are anymore. the oddest series of compromises went into our appearance. so: brown boots, girl jeans that are black, bisexual t-shirt, makeup, a hat that says slut, worn backwards. i think none of us are happy with it. some wanted to go out really femmey and slutty and outrageous, but then liza got anxious about that. so she wanted to wear boots and boy pants and a t-shirt and maybe the hat worn forwards. so… we compromised.
and to take the camera or not to take the camera? did life used to be this hard?
Written on June 24, 2005 by liza.
life is so weird, and hard. i don’t think any of us will ever understand about being social. other people are just so alien. and it’s so hard to know what we want. how many friendships, how much follow-up, how much time, how… i don’t know. i’m used to never letting go. when someone was important to me they always stayed important to me. when i was younger, people from my past always disappeared of their own accord. brooke, adria, alyssa. kristen. even trent sort of though that took a long time to work itself out. i don’t know. people never talked to me after they were done with me.
so i just find it so weird and hard to think about how to navigate these unfamiliar waters. there’s all these people. there’s folks inside who are starting to be attracted to indigo. we’re going to dyke march with malia.
Continue reading ’sometimes shiveringnaked is scary!’
Written on June 24, 2005 by claire.
this morning i woke up and put on my very new, very high quality makeup. we went to sephora yesterday and got a makeover. yes! us! it was actually really fun and the person was very nice. she taught us all kinds of stuff that we never knew. apparently we are so fair we can wear whatever colors we want, except golds. we always thought that only pinks and browns were ok. but we stuck to pinks and mauve kinda thing in the makeover. so, very interesting.
it is hard to be myself and talk about this. i want to hand it off to nymph or amber or some giggly little person. because yes, they had lots of fun. but so did i. and i keep having to remind myself it’s okay to be femme. really! but it still feels weird. liza and matt and other influences of bygone times are having a really hard time with it. but we can still be queer and be femme, right? hell, it’s super queer to be femme, really. matt made an excellent femme boy. even liza is androgynous in an excitable, girly kind of way.
Continue reading ‘femming it up’
Written on June 16, 2005 by kerry.
i’m a little anxious because i am 1.4 pounds over my absolute limit of tolerance today. we’ve stayed the limit weight for a long time now really steadily. so, going to have to figure out some time to get some exercise in. it’s inconvenient with the couch where it is to do DDR. which sucks. we’ll see.
we went to the thrift store yesterday and bought three skirts and one dress. i’m wearing the dress now, it is cream-colored with a gold pattern of flowers and vines on it. it’s like a baby-doll dress but with short sleeves, and the slip part is cream and satiny. there is a small coffee stain on it which is frustrating. but all in all i like the dress. despite the fact that it’s hard to take off.
Continue reading ‘another morning’
Written on June 14, 2005 by claire.
why does reading other people’s journals depress me? i feel like i can never be a good enough friend. it’s so scary to know people. i wish that i could be more. i wish that i could stay in touch. i wish i weren’t so stupid all the time.
i wish i had any words to say. life is going along. i seem to be the only person i know who isn’t having a hard time. the responsibility of that is awesome. i wonder if i’m faster in my healing because of aeron? i can see so many ways he’s helped me. maybe the process will speed along. i want to go to school next fall. the world seems full of possibilities. i don’t want ten more years of falling down. i want to get my schooling. i want to heal. i don’t know. i know that i’m just having a good month, a good season, that i’ll fall down again soon enough, that i’m just doing okay right now. but i don’t want to fall down again.
Continue reading ‘i wish i were a neutron bomb’
Written on June 13, 2005 by cynthia.
i’m sick. i don’t know how bad it’s going to get but ugh. i hate being sick. i’ve had a really bad sore throat for two days now and i just feel… achy. we bought a thermometer because it really felt like i had a fever but then i didn’t. so i don’t know what’s going on. i took some tylenol anyway and it helped a little.
also there’s no new good games. i really want to break out of my favored genres but i just don’t like action games or sports games. and any war-type strategy games. and what else is there? it’s all war, war, war. the least violent games are ultra-realistic sports games with actual players and actual teams. i honestly just don’t care. at all. sports is dumb. skateboarding and snowboarding and stuff like that are ok, but i have the best games in both of those genres. and all the strategy games are war war war. and all the roleplaying games are massively multiplayer, which can be fun, but is too expensive. plus, world of warcraft is the best mmorpg there has been and will be for some time to come, so if i want that sort of thing i should just play that.
Continue reading ‘bored! rip off head!’
we had an experience yesterday that made us feel very shaky and reminded us of all kinds of bad experiences from the past and made us feel very ashamed and just… shitty. it took a lot of talking it out with aeron and distracting ourselves and just being really gentle with ourselves.
then this morning when we woke up we couldn’t stop thinking about it. some of the sting was gone, and we were able to feel less ashamed, but we were still a little shaky. we came out in the living room and found this note from aeron on our computer:
Continue reading ‘i have the best love in the world’
Written on June 6, 2005 by claire.
i just finished reading “this alien shore” again, now that i finally have it in my possession once more. (i’m still mad about that. he had no right to borrow such a book and not give it back. i think that’s the thing i’m maddest about out of everything with him. anymore. but i now have the book. so it’s all ok.) and i was looking for more info about it, and found a fan site that posted a couple of times that the author had answered emails with questions about it. and i saw that and i was just like “we have to email her.” even olivia was like… you have to! you have to tell her about how good “in conquest born” is! well… maybe without the exclamation marks. i’ve never known olivia to use exclamation marks.
anyway, i read it and i’m touched and i emailed the author and that is scary! and it was a dumb email and we linked to the liquid which is super-dumb and i want to put it all behind me. and i want something to read. because i finished my book.
Continue reading ‘afraid of a light in the dark’
breathinghard feary fullness. i want to return here and return here. everything’s been so okay for so long that we forgot how to let ourselves hurt. starting to get hard on ourselves – brittle on ourselves – must be this and that. there’s so much to prove to so many people, and all of it we want to weigh in on the good side. want to convince aeron we can go to school. want to convince our therapist that we are stable. want to be good in group – want to be there for our friends – want to not be needy with indigo. so many reasons to be fine and fine and fine and the fine is just kind of coming out of my ears. i’m not fine. i’m really, really sad. i don’t have a mom and my life is hard and there’s just so much there. we cried all through therapy on tuesday. i see signs of trusting her so much already. telling her things we don’t even say here. crying in front of her. we have big crying issues.
Continue reading ‘musings or something’
