“your daughter might be freakish. you don’t even know your daughter.”
Archive for May, 2005
i’m trying to be okay. really. i think i am. i’ll be okay. one of these days. i am okay really. there’s nothing wrong. nothing terrible. we all float on okay. i get up in the morning, i eat food, i don’t cut, i don’t want to die so terribly much. i like the weather. i know, it’s intolerably hot, but the sun is nice. i went out in a dress yesterday. a dress! we traded in two paper grocery bags of books for three books, with 1.50 in credit to spare. but it was good. all three of the books we got were for me. and i finally have this alien shore in my possession again (damn dani to hell and back for being so duplicitous. i trusted that he really did want my address to send me books. when i doubt the true nastiness of him i remember that.) it wasn’t getting returned to me. they had it used. now i have it again! it’s important, too. how many scifi books about a multiple are there?
Continue reading ‘am i too lost?’
life hangs heavy this week. i think i know the problem, basically: loneliness. that and the problem where anger is not okay. and really there’s no one to be angry at but myself. i lock myself in this prison.
but the pessimism doesn’t have much to fight it anymore. i just don’t have the energy.
Continue reading ‘lump in my throat’
my skin is crawling and i would crawl right out of it if i could. there is nothing i hate more than this. nothing more sure to send me into darkness. no bodily sensation can be worse. i want to be done with it but i don’t want to be drunk; and drinking is the only solution i have ever found. i found the word for it today. formication. i like the way it sounds like fornication. like my skin is boffing itself and causing me the all the pain and craziness of the unwishing onlooker. this makes me so tired so quickly. the only solution is mile-a-minute brain. and isn’t that tiring.
it should help that i know what the problem is. it’s caffeine. i had a hankering for a cup of coffee this morning and by damn, i had one. it satisfied me, but now i wish i could enter my cells and extract each molecule of the stuff, enter my brain and reverse all the effects, synapse by synapse.
Continue reading ‘note to self: no more damn caffeine’
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Improving Mail Performance for Everyone!
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Should I leave messages on the server?
https://kbase.newdream.net/index.cgi?area=2681
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we made a new dinner/snack today, and it was so delicious. it should totally be a New Thing. it was: lightly toasted bread, very lightly buttered, put cheese on it, melt the cheese in the oven (on bake, not broil, because crunchy is good), and afterwards top it all off with two small tomato slices. from a yummy tomato, of course. because quality varies so much.
however, eating it with a cankersore is not recommended. acidic tomato juice + crunchy bread = pain.
aeron and i went to the park looking for the swings, but when we found them, there were kids on them. so we went home again. we bought juicy fruit gum which i just now found out has aspartame. sucky!
Continue reading ‘hey blue blood’
so, having spoken my famous last words, i came up with something. it’s a fabulous moveable type plugin that lets you have unlimited fields. i know, i know. i could have made it a rule to type stuff in at the top of the entry. but this way, i can go the high-tech route. if i ever wanted a sidebar or some funky formatting, i could regale the fields there. i always wanted more fields. and now i have them.
also, i changed the rat’s cage, and i was really good and cleaned everything. it was exhausting. yay!
Continue reading ‘laughing!’
stuff we could be keeping track of:
our mood (morning, evening, night.)
things to be proud of (put away the dishes, did some hard therapy work, etc.)
how good the day was (scale of 1 to 10).
when we left the house.
whether kids or adults spent a lot of time out.
Continue reading ’silliness’
