i’m scared and i’m scared i might be bad. sharon said we could email her if we wanted. we are kind of switchy tonight. cynthia just won her game and she is very excited about that. i am very scared because my nose has pins and needles and it reminds me of that really scary time we took buspar and it just got worse and worse. sometimes we think it wasn’t the buspar because that happens to us sometimes just for no reason. especially if we haven’t been good with eating. and it’s just really scary. sometimes when this happens we fall down when we try to stand up. it’s not a faint or whatever but it it almost. but not today, today it is just my nose asleep and i don’t like it!!! someone telling me it reminds us of the drugs they gave us so we’d listen to them real good and made us go underwater. i just wish it would go away. my tummy hurts sooooo bad. i don’t know why. we didn’t eated today for so long and then we realized and aeron said he would make us food after he did something so it was an hour after *that* and we ate and stuff but we couldn’t really eat all that much and now our tummy just really really hurts.
Continue reading ‘um.. i don’t know’
Archive for April, 2005
sez aeron: “you’re a baby, and she’s a danaberryprincess, so when you put you both together you’re a danababyprincess!”
dana and her friend (another er^n but this one spells it arone, so in text it’s all easy!) are going to come down here!!!!! i am soooo excited and happy. we wanted it to be a birthday surprise for aeron, but finals and other crap got in the way, so now we are having a belated wonderfulness of a visit! i wish it could be for longer. but she has a job now and stuff.
it is just so so so exciting. i miss her so much. it’s easy to forget how much and then it just hits me like a punch in the stomach.
Continue reading ‘people are people so why should it be’
wow, these days hurting can lead to so much to be proud of… i love it! i love building up a little list of experiences where triggers throw us into horrible traps and beliefs and crap, but we come out of it only days later with new insights and new strength!
i’m not saying everything is great. but i’m saying we’re getting some damn perspective and i just want to be a cheerleader! (chris my faithful spaceinmine as we/i write says picture that… beth in a miniskirt… beth with pom-poms.) because scary things happened, but we remembered one thing that feels so mature and okay (remind ourselves and everyone about the i statements guideline) and that’s cool, because it is our own perspective and our own contribution. and also, our (the myriad’s) life is just bigger than some interpersonal crisis!
Continue reading ‘a myriad of peanut galleries’
i am so scared and overwhelmed and hurting. i can’t get over anything i must just be so stupid!! i am trying to be okay… but i just can’t seem to manage it today. we are still really really triggered and hurting from what happened in group on thursday (we can’t talk about it because of confidentiality.) i just really want to cry and cry and cry and cry. jo/e messed up on thursday jo/e doesn’t think so but he came out and stuff happened and we just really messed up. and we thought we were ok like we asked julie to stay late and she did and we were okay that night… but we’ve been so super overwhelmed ever since then and i think it’s really connected to thursday. because we were really bad and it feels like we’re in trouble and it’s also the trigger where we get really scared because we messed up and there is just no way to fix it. there really is no way to fix it and i think group will never be the same and i just feel so bad about that.
Continue reading ‘all in the timing and the placement of words’
taking a shower is scary. getting food to eat is scary. getting dressed is scary. cleaning the rats’ cage is scary. leaving the house is scary. writing is scary. cooking is scary. figuring out if we’re hungry is scary. putting away the dishes is scary. calling in our prescriptions is scary. getting exercise is scary. making phone calls is scary. reading email is scary. answering email is scary. paying bills is scary. doing therapy homework is scary. playing games is even scary sometimes! calling about getting aeron therapy is scary!
what the heck is wrong with us? are we just overwhelmed because of all the appointments next week? or is there something bigger wrong? will aeron ever forgive us for being overwhelmed by everything? how do we pull ourselves out of this?
i need a new game or something nice so i can just disconnect from all of this for a while. sheesh.
i’m starting to think i need a schedule again, like the old old days when i had a pda. ha! but listen: next week i have a doctor appointment on monday, an intake psychiatrist appointment on tuesday, therapy on tuesday also, therapy on thursday, group on thursday, role-playing game on friday, and another thing with people on saturday.
i’m really disappointed though because this psychiatrist won’t see aeron and it’s just… ugh. so hard to figure out what to do. why is it so damn hard to get health care for aeron? he really really really needs it! but i will ask sharon again. (that’s our therapist.) who knows, maybe he can see someone for meds and therapy both. anyway, with this new psychiatrist i will have a full friggin health care team (while aeron has nothing!)
Continue reading ‘i’ve got a headful of drought’
i more or less did my timeline today. it’s long, and disorganized, and annoying, but it’s something i can bring in. it felt good to get it done, like i have stuff to work on now, i have something i’m doing with my time. one thing i realized which was frightening is that there must have been cult involvement in california, because we remember getting punished by more people than just mom from telling our therapist things at 16.
so. fucking great. looking at my childhood, it didn’t really stop until we were almost 19. (although it stopped for the eight months or so I lived in Iowa, and the emotional abuse from our mother continued intermittently for a while and there was that road trip with her.) but that’s just fucking discouraging. heck, it’s even scary to say. like kris or someone that reads this is going to suddenly not believe me because i tell them it happened as a teenager.
Continue reading ‘wanna go to the grocery store?’
thinking about food and alcohol… and how they replace a lot of the things cutting, suicide, suicide ideation, and restricting did for us. and i don’t know that i’m happy with that. i guess one thing about food and alcohol is they are at least expensive, so i can’t do them unlimitedly. but i use them both the same sort of way as i used that other stuff, and that’s kind of depressing. it’s like, the way some of us see it, we’re turning from someone beautiful and wounded and broken and in great pain, to someone who is just… average. just your run-of-the-mill things to overuse, everyone does it, bla bla bla. we liked using only things that were lacks, that were pure, that were damaging even in small amounts. it made us feel above everyone. like how we don’t do caffeine often, because we’re so damn proud of having no addictions to any substances.
Continue reading ‘yes, emerging’
Sorry about the few days with no header. My web server changed their configuration, and never emailed me about it beforehand. I hate having to do everything relative because it makes me have to think. But, now I have to. *grump*
Also, I think I’m going to have to disable comments, like I disabled trackback. The comment spam is just getting insane. Anyway, I figure no one gives me the comment love anymore anyway, so it won’t matter.
To drink my weight, I would have to chug 119 pints of beer!
How big is your beer belly?
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How much rum did he put in that thing?
