Written on November 30, 2004 by claire.
it never occurs to us to write anymore. what is there to say? i guess we’re busy trying to live. or something. i don’t know what.
finding my voice, it feels small and tinny, lost. my weeks seem like weeks lately: therapy and gurps monday, therapy wednesday, group thursday. so i guess life has more of a rhythm now. i had a strange dream last night. i don’t like to tell dreams.
i’m thinking i’ll go to the library today, tuesday the empty day. i was thinking i would spend a lot of time there, to simulate going to school. they have wifi, and i could read, and the bus goes right there.
Written on November 24, 2004 by cynthia.
you know, it’s amazing how helpful it is to get up early in the morning. we got up a quarter after eight this morning, and did our welsh, and played our game. i’m even thinking of taking a walk with my camera this morning – i don’t know. that may be too much. i’m hoping, too, that the earlier i get up, the earlier aeron will. in a way i think they have this internal clock that sleeps x amount of time after i get up. and stays up x amount of time after i go to bed. which makes sense, since thair alone time is so important to then…
i think we’d both be happier if we slept earlier and got up earlier. in terms of daylight, it just makes good sense. since it’s dark by five hereabouts and our apartment only has north-facing windows.
Continue reading ‘trivialities are good sometimes!’
Written on November 20, 2004 by cynthia.
muddling along. the atmosphere is still stormy and hard, but we’re trying not to let it get us. aeron got us children of the nile, which is a new city-building game. it is about ancient egypt and it is the first game like that which is 3d. so it is very pretty, and the gameplay is also very different because it keeps track of everyone, like and people move up social classes. like aeron said, they’re people, instead of data. i mean of course they’re data but in the old games it was just masses of people that were dealt with, and then little sprites that didn’t necessarily have to do with the masses. so. it’s neat. it’s trying to be like the sims so it has a snapshot function so i could post a picture of my city here, but i’m too lazy.
Continue reading ‘cynthia and others, musing cerebrally’
you know, i don’t think i ever realize how i’m not really very good at this. i talk a big talk but there is no system that can protect you when real memories start flooding your way. no wonder we never let them in. the reality is exhausting.
things come out when i’m talking to other people, things that i wouldn’t know normally. this therapy thing… where are we coming from? what did we do? have the littles ever trusted or talked very much to a therapist? how about anyone else in our system? what are we afraid of with a therapist?
we will say or do something that will be unacceptable. she will be mad at us.
but nothing happens if she is just mad and that is all. what are we afraid of happening if she is mad?
shell tell on us.
theyll make us trust them an tell them an then theyll go tell what we said. theyll make us hurt somepin becuz we werent no good. when a girl is bad then she makes nice peeple suffer.
that lady told on us. not just cutting. she told evrything.
an momie hert us an she tol on us an they hert us bad.
- not just her! no no don tell don tell
cant tell cant cant
Written on November 17, 2004 by renee.
so, if i want to cut in order to not feel, where the hell are all the fucking feelings? why the hell can’t i just cry or scream or something and see? and be done with it! why am i just in vague dread and unnameable glumness all the time? i hate this. we always feel bad and there’s never a reason.
i’m still picking my self-esteem up off the ground from yesterday, i guess. rejection, ugh. still too sore to talk about it at large. it’s not a big deal, except that i can’t seem to recover from it. why should i have to go through feeling to get to where i’m functional? why can’t i stuff like other people?
Continue reading ‘just need a little because’
Written on November 15, 2004 by renee.
thinking about my mother. we had a hard therapy session today, medium hard. claire got teary and i feel that way now. i don’t know why i should cry. cutting seems safer. put myself in my control. but cutting seems like buying into her mindset. like it should somehow comfort me to rip myself to shreds. i don’t know why i should cry. it’s not like there’s anything new. i remember her eyes glassy from drugs or alcohol or just nothing. she doesn’t cry either, mostly. she takes out her pain in other ways. part of me feels resentful to be talking about her. like i don’t want to waste any more of my life with that old boring story. but here i am, and there a tear went down my face. i don’t know why i should be crying.
Written on November 12, 2004 by claire.
the entire house is clean, and that helps. and the rats had their hour of playtime, which is very – i dunno – relaxing and centering for me. soft little bodies so intent on what they’re doing. so busy with a whole room to catalogue and explore. vivie was climbing on me as part of her explorations, so you can see they feel much more comfortable with us, more and more as time goes on. and they’re so soft, and there’s nothing to do but sit there in the room with them and keep an eye out, scooping them up once every so often to give them love (which they accept mostly unwillingly, since they’re so busy.) just kind of a still and loving space.
Continue reading ‘everything i love is ugly’
you asked for it, you got it, miss ivory tower. what the hell do you want from me? you want me to put on a show for you, safely behind the glass? flail my arms and then you can be on high for rescuing me? damn right you block the fucking front. damn right i resent your patronizing. but you think you can fucking solve this thing? you think we’re just going to traipse off to your treasure island one by one? shed a few clean tears and that will be it? fuck you.
i’m hurting tonight. we’ve been eating and drinking and watching tv to try to numb the pain and not cut for aeron. it’s hard when those of us who care about aeron want to cut. we want to be responsible. but it gets so hard to put another person above us.
last night, to try to find another way, we painted a watercolor of – this picture of us, where we were naked, sort of writhing, and being held down. if i weren’t lazy from depression, i’d upload the picture – it’s really beautiful. we loved it so much we did it again this morning, to try to fix some of the problems, and there are still problems with the head, which is at a weird angle and we really tried to de-emphasize it anyway, but the painting is just beautiful just beautiful. by far the best thing we’ve ever painted.
Continue reading ‘nobody nowhere’
