we had our first meeting of our seattle multiples group last night! it went really well, i think. there were five of us in all. i can’t talk about it too much because of confidentiality, but i’m quite excited that it’s getting started. we met in my living room, because we couldn’t find a free place to meet (argh). but it was really good.
i can’t wait for our camera to get back to us, also.
hm… i don’t know what to say. i guess i wasn’t in a talking mood.
i just have to say this: how cool is jon stewart? (transcript of his part is after the beginning of that link – towards the middle.) i love his integrity. i feel silly for being all a-gog over something that everyone else is all a-gog over, but it was kind of cool. i wouldn’t have heard about it if he didn’t mention it on the daily show yesterday. anyway, yeah.
we have ratties! two teenaged rats, nimue and vivaine, and i can talk about this more when my camera gets mailed back to me and i can show you howww cuuuute! maybe i’ll talk a little.
Continue reading ‘ratties!’
my depression is racing towards me, i hear the steam whistle and see the headlight, my ground is shaking. i don’t know how to sidestep. i need to, though. aeron told me if nothing changes, they see us, where we’re at, heading for the hospital. and we’ve checked that out, even, just so we know the info about the possibility. there’s one in washington with a trauma unit, which we didn’t know before. but, damn, i don’t want to do that. i don’t want to go through that. it was only february last time i went.
i mean, i know it’s a bad season. but why does it have to hit me so hard right now? i have done so much to make my life better. is it just the settling back after all the lift of months and months bought by removing stress and going to a better place?
Continue reading ‘the shades go down, it’s in her head’
i can’t sleep again. there must be some words i want to say. i had a low tolerance for the insomnia – only stayed in bed fifty minutes past when i woke up, trying to sleep. don’t have pills on my side for getting back to sleep – the sinus medicine and the trazodone have both worn off by now. and i’ve been so restless when i’ve tried to sleep lately.
scared, really shaken. i don’t know if words are going to be good enough. i don’t know if we can hold on to us. really scared. switchy. why the waves of denial, do they just go with the waves of hurt? the spiral’s at a low point again.
Continue reading ‘when did you realize that you would never be free’
you know i was at peace, i was doing well. i even laughed at the comments to daily obsessions, the venom, it was so far away from me. a little ridiculous, i didn’t care. seriously, i cared, but i think i’ve come a long way. so we’re 150. who the hell do i want to impress with my weight? it’s not sex appeal i’m after. it’s just… brainwashing. wanting to please my mother. i don’t know. maybe i’ll never know why. but something in me relaxed. it’s not about weight or how we look. tell you the truth, in many ways we look better at 150. our breasts are full, they fit their skin. even my gross fat thighs are kinda curvy. we’ll always have the renaissance figure – you know, cute round belly, all of that. even at 129 we had a belly. and fat curvy thighs fit in with the whole belly thing.
Continue reading ‘this again?’
last night i had the second dream i can remember where i was raped, then prosecuted for it – like our brain remembers that vague tv thing about a trial when there was a rape, but we’re the defendant, we’re the one facing the death penalty – for being raped…
i think we need therapy more often. but then i think i must be bad for wanting that because we should be lucky to have therapy at all. i remember how jayla would have given us more sessions if the insurance would have paid, so maybe i am not crazy. there is a really scary bad thing in our head and i wish it did not have to be there it is too much like things of mine that i hate that are bad and scary. my little kitty nineh is so cute. she is safe but it doesn’t make up for the real nineh who is not safe. i still think about her a lot. it wasn’t fair she was just a kitten. she wasn’t bad she never did anything bad in her life. she was just a kitten. people can be bad i guess but not kittens. beth says she doesn’t think people can be bad especially little girls. but i don’t know. if i weren’t bad, why did nineh die?
Continue reading ‘just me talking i might be dumb’
we were all social yesterday, we are so good. first we met indigo, who is subscribed to nm, and then we went with them to this discussion group and even hung out after with some of their friends! i can’t believe how social we were. and we only had a little backlash. i’m scared and insecure now though. bleh, it’s just the aftereffect of whenever we are social.
i’m doing good with the sims. i want to make a story album that would be really pretty and nice. we uploaded our meatwad shirt to thesims2.com and it got four stars.
anyway, i don’t really know what to say. we’ve been having a hard time lately. what else is new?
