things have been hard lately. i decided to save yesterday’s entry as publish, rather than draft, because why the hell should we be silent? i don’t know what i want to say this morning. i’m reasonably all right this morning, i guess. worried about aeron’s tooth. they don’t have dental insurance, but need to see a dentist. worried about the darkness in my head – we’ve only just started to see a therapist, and have been presenting as close-to-healed. what will she think of us for being so broken already? it’s not even that, it’s like.. we want to ease into therapy. we don’t need this darkness fear, there’s someone wants to see us covered in blood too… we’ve been keeping them away. it’s just not convenient to be crazy. we thought we were done with memories, that we were going to focus on becoming more functional.
Continue reading ’show me how defenseless you really are’
Archive for September, 2004
the pit of my stomach is complaining and sending jolts of nervousness through the body. i want to be strong and whole for aeron in their trouble. i want to die. no, don’t say that. no. halloween is coming. no, it’s not real, it’s not that. i want my safe place i want my safe place waaah. i want my safe place. not fair not fair not fair. i’m not safe. i don’t deserve safety. i’m scared. i don’t want to see. no i don’t want to see. no i don’t want to see. no no no nononononononon
i had my first therapy session in what – four months? five? – yesterday. and i don’t know what i was expecting, but i was pleasantly surprised. i really think i might get good work done with this woman – elisabeth. aeron pointed out how funny it is that jayla did ballet and this person shares elizabeth’s name – except for spelling. like there’s always something elizabeth has in common with the therapist, more than the rest of us. silly, though. the human brain can find patterns in any coincidence.
i taped it but the tape is hopeless – i don’t know how to make it capture conversations better, short of speaking louder. the background noise in the perfectly quiet room is just so much louder than any voice. ah well. i’ll just have to use my memory.
Continue reading ‘emptiness brings fullness’
i went down in the bus and returned my library books today, and just now i painted a dumb practice painting, so you see i’m not sims-obsessed. and last night and the night before i was able to sleep, thank the goddess. i feel very heavy though from the loss of dana – i’m trying very hard to cushion this blow and just sort of ease out of the way – but it still hurts. i called her and left a message and she didn’t call back and her ex-girlfriend called me about returning movies they insisted on lending to us, and i’m just so frustrated with the whole situation, but after the frustration and throwing up my hands i’m lonely. i have to remember to email malia sometime or something. despite how i’m sure school is keeping her extremely busy. everyone in the world is busy except aeron and we. ah well.
it’s still good to be in seattle, even if dana goes away. and maybe it’s good she goes away before this gets any deeper – i don’t think it had time to take root, very much. but she was such a good friend, such a real one, and so i’m frustrated and sad. but i guess time heals still, and there are lots of people in this city.
i’m sick and heartsick from a night of no sleep. okay – two hours of sleep. quite literally. which may not sound bad, but it’s rare that i *ever* get less than eight hours; i often get nine or ten.
part of why i couldn’t sleep was a horrible nausea that wouldn’t go away, is with me still. part of it was a jitteriness in my body. part of it was my brain. i tried both rooms of the house. i tried not trying. i tried meditating and counting breaths and picturing water. finally i gave up and turned a low light on and read, but i couldn’t find the actual book i’m reading because of the darkness and not wanting to wake aeron. oh well. i finished the book i started, even if it was just rereading.
Continue reading ‘information of the too muchly variety’
i fucking hate insomnia.
it’s been hard. dana is moving away, to vancouver, because of college. and out of some twisted feeling of guilt she’s been staying away. i’d work harder to make her feel better, but lately we’ve been out of energy. our fancy new lifestyle just floats past us on the air. cynthia’s anticipation of the sims is getting to be a big problem; we can’t sleep, we can’t find ways to stay occupied during the day, we don’t have other interests. not sleeping is murder by itself.
i don’t mind if we become obsessed and addicted after it gets here; i expected that. but this obsession before it’s here – it’s really damaging to us. i’ve been trying not to think about it, but it’s like it’s beyond our control. we spend all day looking at screenshots and reading reviews and message boards about it. today i’m going to try harder to not think about it, though.
Continue reading ‘the drears’
beth am sgrifennu yng Nghymraeg heddiw? dw i’n angen arfer yr iaith, dim unig darllen. dydy e ddim yn bwysig os mae’r gramadeg yn ddiflas. mae e’n bwysig siarad beth bynnag.
dw i’n eisiau rhywun a siarad Cymraeg, er hynny. dw i’n angen rhywun i gywiro nghamgymeriadau. dw i’n angen i fynd i Gymru!! ond dw i’n ofnus i fynd, achos beth os dw i’n fynd, ac wedyn dw i’n ddychwelyd, a dw i’n ddiflas. achos dw i eisiau byw fan’cw. dw i’n angen byw acw!
os dw i’n dysgu Cymraeg tan dw i’n rugl, efallai mae’r mewnfudiad yn gymryd i fi. os allaf waith. blegh.
this morning aeron was going to take a walk with me, but he was tired because of being woken up at 8 by a sound outside. and it was just this morning that we (myriad) sat down and decided we wouldn’t play a game each morning until we’d taken a walk. or at least, we’d be reluctant to play our games. there are days when getting out of the house is just too much.
but, i think the reluctant way will work. and before that, we practiced welsh – i noticed recently that each time we go back to it, we’re better at it. blinding flash of the obvious. so we are making progress. this time we started at chapter four in the book – progress, since we usually (out of some misguided impulse for perfection) start at the beginning. we’ve been doing it every day for about a week now. dan ni’n da iawn!
i’m a bit gloomy. a bitty cloud of melancholy is hovering and dipping in for nippy swoopy attacks. all in all it’s ok i guess. cynthia’s having fun with her anticipation and with city of heroes. she’s been grouping with other people which really makes it a more fulfilling game i think. something so satisfying to the beth in us (typoed best in us) to heal, to be responsible for keeping people alive, to be a rock for all the woebegone souls who take damage. to resurrect people we don’t even know. (if they’re grouping with us, of course, they never need resurrecting… we’re a very good healer. but strangers, you understand.)
but really life is kind of emptying beyond that. dana has a cold and has retreated again – feeling out my friendship, i see this pattern – she just needs to withdraw sometimes. for a week at a time. which is fine, and when she’s gone my life ripples back into more of a santa cruz shape. haven’t been walking, haven’t been taking pictures, haven’t been getting out. i *miss* those morning walks. and alone, i can never motivate myself.
so, shallow glumness. i empathize with the chimera. with myself. trying not to let this melancholy catch and burn into something very damaging and hard to shake. i’m sure the sims 2 will give us all the lift we need, though. although maybe not the right sort of lift.
