happy birthday to me!
that’s all.
Archive for August, 2004
the more i think, the more i grow content and – excited? satisfied? fulfilled? peaceful? – thinking about myself as an artist. not that i don’t still want to go to school. but what a way to be for the next year. it’s not doing things very differently, but it’s a shift in how i see myself. in focus. what i am doing with my life is creating – and it really has been for a long time. worlds are open to me. and i can even make little pipe dreams. getting good at things so i can record a demo, busk, sell watercolors on the street or over the web, start a part-time photography business with dana (we could specialize in queer portraits and weddings), join an amateur dance company and be in its performances, write a novel, self-publish a book of journal/memoirs, write more short stories. the thoughts just burst with sunny kitchen and i feel so broad.
Continue reading ‘walk right through the door’
i have had the perfect day, and i want to remember everything that happened, so i will have another perfect day to add to the tally of how life can be good. like pearls on a string.
Continue reading ‘the shape of perfect’
i feel sad and creative. i’ve spent the past few days nuzzling cuddling taking care of listening to kissing fucking walking with my beautiful chris. wish i had a camera inside (oh! do i wish). but out in the real world,
i’m sad, so okay, i’m still here. it’s allowed. i can be glum without it being a depression. i can have trouble and still be living and healthy.
it’s so terrifying to get to know another person. and wonderful, but it strikes me in the face harshly again how you don’t know. you can’t know. what is she thinking? what is she not telling me? what am i doing wrong?
i know it’s probably wrong for me to dream my little dream that the three of us will make a life together. especially since when she’s gone away i realize how little i know her. i like her well but what do i know, maybe she hates me. or has most of herself tucked away, an iceberg, and i think we are getting along when really i am just another superficiality for her.
Continue reading ‘frozen when i’m open’
today is a good day, and i feel warm and happy.
i think it’s pretty cool that we’re getting up early again. it seriously helps with the depression. and i also love that we’ve been going on these morning walks with dana. it’s such quality time, and stuff.
i feel like it’s been years, which isn’t true. i’ve been out now and again over the past few years. this newness isn’t drastic. but i’ve never felt quite real. it’s chris too but he’s holed up with beth proving his vitality (grincough) and so it feels like something private and lovely.
i feel kind of guilty, like i just holed out for a couple of years until the worst part of healing was done. claire is so much stronger than i am in that respect.
Continue reading ‘of the bottom bunk’
so… it worked. i think. i mean, i’m here, at this island, and so is chris. and i’m here, out in the world, and i feel more… myself than i have in a long time. i think. here we are in seattle, and it’s raining. which is as it should be. i need to figure out a solution for taking pictures in the rain.
beth, claire, renee, cynthia, sg, morgan, elizabeth, i’m so grateful. you’re wonderful and thank you and thank you.
today i got up at six thirty! i had a shower, and then when i went to get dressed it was all dark and i had to put my face close to the floor to find the clothes i wanted. i think this getting up early is really good for me. it’s the way my body has always naturally wanted to go, and i think it’s a sign that i have something to get up for. and today it’s not even the game, i’m going to spend the morning with dana! and she actually wants to learn welsh! it will be soo good to have someone else to learn with, i really hope that we can stick with it. not only can we practice with her, but it’s such a good motivator to actually stick with it.
i need to find my supermemo cd and give it to her.
Continue reading ‘i don’t mind spending every day’
