i got to see fahrenheit 9/11 today. i hurt so badly. my grief (yes me me me i am selfish even in compassion) disables me, overtakes me, i don’t know what to do. i remember i was visiting the chimera when war was declared. i am so ineffective. i don’t know how the world goes on i don’t know how i go on i don’t know how this goes on.
was i the only one in the theater crying?
i feel so selfish. i feel so sad.
we have entirely too much stuff.
i try to thing of long days and mood swings as opportunities to learn contentment. ok to be in my body, ok not to distract myself a million miles a minute. on the whole, things are good, right? i don’t need to zoom out and say “augh! what am i doing with my life? the depression always comes back!” i can zoom in and say, i can feel this fabric on my skin, it’s pleasant. or, i need to take a shower, and that will feel nice after. or, so what if i’m bored, i’m still here and still moving to seattle. so i’m okay. right?
in seattle i want to find a guitar teacher. if that turns out to be possible, money-wise. it’s usually $10 a lesson at the cheapest, maybe i could have two a month. i want to read more, do more, start watercoloring again, get a really good therapist, go for a walk every day, i am full of plans. for now i remind myself that time passes, and no matter what happens i’ll find myself moved in two weeks. so i can be content.
here’s a breath. i breathe into the exhaustion of post-anxiety-attack. not gulping air any more, but not unaware either. it’s not often this bad, but i weathered right through and here i am. too spent and shaken and still too disquieted to do much of anything. goosebumps on my scalp because i can’t stop scratching it, my fingers red and rough from rubbing each other. sweat dried in. ugly, embarrassing, garden-variety anxiety. here i am sneezing dust and packing my children’s toys, left-behind dustless outlines of toy furniture. here i am writing because i’ve got nothing else to do. here i am surviving. i kind of like this exhaustion, this bone-shook hard-won calm.
Continue reading ‘the picture kept will remind me’
that’s what i always thought radiohead was singing in creep, instead of weirdo.
stress is change, even good change. and i am brimfuls of anxiety. i keep thinking, what if there’s something i forgot? what if this whole moving thing has a really important step that i forgot to make? we’ve got the u-haul and aeron’s parents are picking it up (in san francisco), we’ve got aeron’s brother, we arranged to sign the lease and get the key and stuff on the eleventh. i’m not turning the electric and such off yet. i’m not calling to change our address for ssi until we get there. i’ve let everyone i can think of know we’re moving. i emailed chimera my phone number, now the ball’s in their court. ummm… yeah. i can’t think.
Continue reading ‘i’m a winnow…’
Our new building
Originally uploaded by myriad.
since dana was lovely enough to take these pictures, i thought i’d share! this is where we’re going to live… on the first floor, no less! there are a couple of other pictures if you go to my flickr album. hurrah!
two weeks. aeron’s brother is getting here in two weeks, same day we’re renting the truck. the eighth of july. it’s amazing how fast it’s all happening. it’s amazing how it’s working out. we can get through difficulties. even insane ones like the closest place all the trucks aren’t taken is san francisco. we have friends who help us. we are real people in the real world and it’s all going to be okay.
i’ve spent the morning answering emails, and it feels good to be excited with people and just ramble. it makes me remember the days we felt at home on a mailing list – that was fun. it would have been a place to go with wonderful amazing news like this.
there’s so much going on, i don’t know what to talk about. that’s always the way of it. i have a lot to say when life is just nothing. i’m not so good at telling stories. the stories now are all just preliminary. i should try to tell them, but i’m all told out from email. i thought i wanted to write more…
oh well. not all stories are long.
Berries!
Originally uploaded by myriad.
this is the shape of my new life. it’s sweet berries come knocking at my door. it’s drinking coffee in the rain. it’s making new friends and strengthing bonds with the old. it’s doing any damn thing we want to. it’s starting a new life.
damn, i am stressed, but i’m starting to feel so good. i’m not sure it’s allowed!
We’re moving this July!!!!!!
well, he called us back, which is a good sign. but we don’t know yet. he just wanted to make sure we don’t use wheelchairs (since you have to say your income and we sent proof of disability income and all that) and i said we didn’t. he said he was just waiting on a call back from our landlady, whom he called this morning only, so chances are good. if he were completely disgusted by our credit he wouldn’t have even called the landlady. and we have lived here for three years and never ever been late with the rent and we don’t bother her either so there’s nothing bad she could say. so, aeron thinks we’ve probably got a 75% chance of getting it at this point.
i made myself eggs and toast this morning. it’s like i have to learn how to do simple things for myself all over again – like cook. but i’m trying to be more self-sufficient, so, eggs. and i made them nicely, too. a little overcooked, but that’s better than the opposite. and last night i made the fried-potatoes-and-fake sausage dinner and aeron steamed some broccoli to go with it. yum!
chimera, you should think about driving down and visiting us soon, who knows how soon we’ll move! if you’re able. otherwise i might be able to come up to your area for a day, but a day isn’t much! coz we love you and don’t want to miss out on the chimera visit! call me if you want, i could email you my phone number. just let me know.
