i have no one anymore and i don’t understand what i did wrong. we don’t have a therapist anymore there is no one to check in with or understand or talk to there is only aeron. our mommy can’t love us she is always thinking of herself and now i understand that jayla is not going to be there any more, we can’t call her. i am not good enough or big enough to get a therapist by myself and even if i did they wouldn’t know us wouldn’t care we have no one anymore but aeron. i miss the chimera. i am really bad i think i guess i don’t know i don’t see how we are going to be ok in school i don’t see how any thing i don’t like me i don’t like me i don’t like me i don’t like me i don’t like me i don’t like me i want to play the game but i don’t know what i would do, i feel so lost and helpless and bad bad bad bad bad i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do i don’t know what to do what the heck is wrong with us why are we so bad?
drowning, i’m drowning. i’m drowning. i’m drowning. i’m drowning. i’m drowning i am drowning.
Continue reading ‘amaryllis’
Written on March 30, 2004 by claire.
so, spring quarter has begun. the weather is obliging, as if offering up what it can to prove that santa cruz does have seasons, and that spring quarter is aptly named. i biked to school yesterday and it was balmy.
it looks like we’ll have two dance classes and two academic classes this quarter. mondays are kind of funny, with a class at each end of the day: advanced beginning ballet at 9am, then symbolic systems at 5pm (until 7!). then on tuesdays and thursdays, semantics II at 10am, immediately followed by ballet. (i worry that i won’t be able to make it to the dance studio on time.) wednesdays i only have ballet at 9am, and fridays i have nothing! it seems like a pretty good schedule.
Continue reading ‘i think i’m going to be ok’
Written on March 24, 2004 by beth.
chimerahouse (10:54:51 PM): oh! monday…
chimerahouse (10:54:55 PM): tell me about it!
chimerahouse (10:55:37 PM): was it a good thing? a bad thing?
wineberri (10:55:49 PM): well, on the plus side, it was really validating to hear what jayla thought of my mom, after seeing her in action
chimerahouse (10:56:04 PM): yikes. that bodes – less than well.
wineberri (10:56:11 PM): well, it wasn’t so terrible
wineberri (10:56:23 PM): i wasn’t the best at standing up for myself, but i did better than usual
chimerahouse (10:56:26 PM): oh, good
chimerahouse (10:56:44 PM): what did jayla think of your mom? or do you want to go more in order?
wineberri (10:57:13 PM): but… it kind of confirms that she probably will never change, and i can’t keep waiting for her to suddenly be mature or just.. act lovingly
Continue reading ’synopsis’
Written on March 19, 2004 by claire.
three years ago, i read in your journal that you had a crush on me. three years ago i kissed you, not for the first time, but there was a newness to it, it was matt and you, we went downtown from the dorm room, and it was so sunny, we held hands. everything was so new and so exciting. you helped me through the quarter so much.
i didn’t know how big this would become. i love to think about how our relationship grew (are anniversaries silly because of that? because of the slow ripening? but we must have something to celebrate.) how we said we you must be our sister, we saw so much of ourselves in you.
Continue reading ’some kind of love starts as friends’
Written on March 18, 2004 by beth.
monday is drawing closer. i got an email from my mom about logistics and she said, “I think that, given the difficulty of this situation, we shouldn’t plan on spending time together outside of the meeting.” and i think that’s for the best and totally true but i feel so… abandoned, so needy, so scared. this is so hard. am i really ready to stand up to my mom and be okay about all the support being gone? that’s basically what we are heading for. i mean, i don’t even know what she wants, but she seems like… so far away ever since the hospital, she seems so cold and icy and quiet. i worry that i’ve hurt her so badly, and then i try not to worry, but this whole situation is just sucky! i’m really fucking scared! and lonely, and sad, and unsure.
Continue reading ‘just go go go’
Written on March 17, 2004 by claire.
jayla said something to me in therapy today that made me cry. she was asking about what i want to be clear in the therapy session with the other therapist and my mom, or what i wanted from her in general, or something. and i was saying how what i want is for my mother to be less dismissive (always turning things back to herself), and how i want to be able to stop a conversation if i’m being hurt, and i want that to be okay with my mom. and we talked a little about how it wouldn’t be productive to talk a lot about what she did to me as far as sexual and ritual abuse goes, because my mom doesn’t believe me about that and we’re not going to get anywhere, and honestly there’s enough emotional abuse and manipulation to talk about without even going into that other stuff.
Continue reading ‘reminding myself.’
Written on March 15, 2004 by claire.
note to self: celebration of finishing the project might be better done after the presentation has actually been given! at least it’s fairly late in the day (at 3)… so i have hours to recover.
no, no regrets, though. we finished everything for our presentation yesterday and got everything e-mailed away to our teacher, and then aeron was making dinner, so morgan and mike (my teammates) decided to stay for that and buy beer, and then we all had about three beers (except aeron, who was smart and stuck to one-and-a-half) and then rum and orange juice.
Continue reading ‘hangovers are not fun’
Written on March 11, 2004 by beth.
i’d write if i knew what to say. if i even knew who i was anymore. i am so full of fear today. i find myself dithering about writing. i miss myself, i want to connect. it’s like i went to the hospital to do all this great thinking and writing and work on myself, and i just came home and immediately dropped the ball. i fell right back into depression and inability. but worst of all, i almost immediately lost the connection to hope and life and myself and all of that crap.
i remember last time we went… and how long that work we did lasted. how we got depressed, but at least we were working… through the fall, and we had a great quarter last winter, with straight a’s, and balance.
Continue reading ‘all the subtle flavors of my life have become’
i keep coming back to this journal with some strange aimlessness, and i never know how to dispose of it. i am getting increasingly nervous about my potential therapy session with my mom. it seems so strange and unreal, but we’re supposed to be scheduling it now. i mean, jayla is supposed to call this other therapist. and i think how stupid of me it is to bring jayla to it, but i think of going without her and i get so scared. and then i realize how strange and stupid the whole thing is. i have no idea what to say. does my mom have an agenda? can we really get anywhere? i love my mom and she loves me, but is that ever going to be enough to find some middle ground? am i really ok with her just fucking denying my reality? bleh… i just don’t know, this is nervous and scary.
Continue reading ‘i need something to breathe’
Written on March 8, 2004 by kerry.
the world decided yesterday that it was about time for spring, and today is sunnily in the upper seventies. yesterday i was too hot, but today is a new day, and i think maybe it could be perfect.
i’m in clothes i couldn’t wear for over a year. silly little hiphuggers of jeans, that almost need a belt (maybe not just almost.) a little knit t-shirt. my clogs, for shoes. the temperature feels just perfect. and in this little strange in-between moment, i am perfectly happy with my body. i am looking forward to ballet next quarter, which is swift approaching.
Continue reading ‘nothing’s been the same so’
