Written on February 29, 2004 by claire.
the person we saw, the pdr, took us off the klonopin and onto something else, and i don’t know if that has contributed to our anxiety, but boy, we are really fucking not doing well. i want to do well. i hate myself for this. i just can’t seem to break out of .. i don’t know what. of terrible, looming anxiety, of depression, i don’t know. we actually have stopped the klonopin but haven’t yet started the vis-whatever. so we don’t have any meds for anxiety right now. and people are coming over this evening, so i don’t know what to do. i hope i can be sane for them. because i haven’t been at all sane in a long time.
i feel stupid, whining like this. but… this is my reality right now. i don’t know. i don’t have any fucking energy, i don’t know what is wrong with me. i just don’t have the strength to fight back anymore.
in fact, i don’t even know what the fuck to say. i don’t know how to deal with this.
Written on February 27, 2004 by claire.
depression is bigger than me, and that’s incredibly frustrating. don’t have anything to do but my distractions, actually, i have things to do but can’t do them. for some reason i don’t want to do anything that it would actually be nice to have done. work on the program, type up journal entries, anything. i have school on monday, i have to have done some work before then. and bills are due and overdue, rent is due, we need to pay for part of the computer.
the inertia gets me. i play a game until it crashes or ends, then don’t have the will to start it up again (that’s why i’m writing this entry.)
Continue reading ‘don’t you know that i am fakin’ it again’
claire is sitting in her house, seeing renee while away the day with mindless shareware games. and when the game closes, claire thinks, “we should write. we should connect. we should be with each other.” and she thinks of how the island seems overwhelming these days, like everything is running away from all of them, a runaway train. and she thought perhaps each person could write something about their house, or maybe they should work on transcribing journal entries from the hospital. she feels chaotic, and nothing works, no words come loose when she opens moveable type.
frustrated, she jumps up from the spot she had been sitting, and patters down the outside stairs leading to the ground. “elizabeth,” she calls into the first-floor studio, “let’s talk, ok?”
elizabeth pushes herself a little deeper into the stretch she is doing, then releases and stands up. “what for?” she asks.
Continue reading ‘interrupted, never finished’
i think i will decide that today has been a good day. i danced, through the whole class. i was shaking with effort halfway through, or exhaustion, but it is good to be back.
i am trying to decide what dance classes to take next quarter – the ones that i can and want to take are ballet 1, continuing ballet 1, ballet 2, modern 1, and folk dancing. that’s too many, so i have to decide which ones to take. ballet 1 is right after my class on tuesdays and thursdays (the class is semantics.) i might be able to take ballet 2, but i really should take continuing 1, or maybe not, i don’t know. and i want to take modern and.or folk dancing because they’re with the teacher i really like.
Written on February 23, 2004 by claire.
i don’t think it’s true. i think they’re lying to us, and we’re not more crazy now. i think it’s saner. i think they’re trying to scare us. it is so easy to scare us. things have been so chaotic. i worry about school, constantly.
i went down to see sg. she won’t come out of the cave beth made, because she is so afraid of hurting us. i feel wretched about that. like this is going all wrong. but i sat with her, and we just talked gently. i feel so bad for her and i wish i could ease things, but i don’t know how.
Continue reading ‘if you want me it’s changing’
Written on February 22, 2004 by sg.
so i am on the island, but i feel terrible. after i got there, the ones of power said that i had twenty four hours to come back or else they were going to kill someone. so i wanted to go back, but aeron didn’t think it was a good idea and riven wouldn’t take me, although i begged.
beth made me a cave so i don’t have to hurt them when they are in school and stuff. it is a nice cave, it looks out over the ocean and there are paper lanterns and blankets and pillows and it’s not damp at all, but nice and dry and safe. it is nice here but it is lonely, and i don’t want to go up to the island because i don’t want to hurt anyone.
Continue reading ‘miserable’
Written on February 19, 2004 by claire.
i haven’t written, but here i am! i think it would be good to check in with myself. i’ve been so far away from words, busy week in so many ways! our new puter, named Monolith, came on wednesday. it is gigantic and gorgeous; i should take a picture. so all of that is very happy, although we haven’t gotten neverwinter nights multiplayer to work yet, and that was part of the reason we bought the computer.
so i think cynthia’s been out a lot.
Continue reading ‘i’m a cankersore’
Written on February 16, 2004 by beth.
it’s another morning. i still feel lost, still shaky, my life is unfamiliar around me. i try to think to myself that i’ll be able to catch up with the schoolwork, and there’s some reading on the web that i could/should be doing, but when i opened the article i realized i couldn’t, couldn’t.
i laid in bed to watch the dawn on the island this morning, and there are no windows in the east-facing side of my house, but i watched the western sky turn from black to grey to indigo, to navy then cobalt then pale blue. i am still in my house, i didn’t go for my walk in the mist or the morning sun. i am lazy today and curl up in covers while i try to slip back in to my life.
Continue reading ‘love and trust’
Written on February 15, 2004 by claire.
so i got home yesterday. i am going to be inputting my journal entries from while i was there, and i’ve started that already, but it will take some time, so they will have to appear slowly. i am in such a strange place today. it feels both like i never left and like it was a million years since i was ever home. everything is both familiar and strange, and i can’t find a core of contentment to hang onto. i am very anxious about school on wednesday, dance on tuesday, slipping into the trappings of my life again. i am very concerned about whether or not i’m capable. true, i don’t feel suicidal anymore, and true, i connected with an inner core of strength while i was gone, but where have i really gotten? i still feel lost in my life, in my house with all the shades drawn always.
Continue reading ‘i’ll try to let the sadness be there’
my serenity shatters so easily, i can’t take it. the plane is delayed because of mechanical problems, and i can’t stand it, i want to cry. it has been so long, i don’t know what to do with myself, i know it is just a question of waiting, but that is not something i’m good at. especially when i have no time frame. will it be half an hour late? an hour? will i have to wait all day for a flight that is just an hour long? i’ve already been here for two hours, i should be on the plane now, they should be boarding in ten minutes, but they don’t even know how long the delay will be. and i don’t deal well with this. i want to cut. i won’t, but… how easily i find myself in these hard places. i just want to be home. i should be happy that i have my computer, i could be typing my journal entries, i could be rereading my book, i should find my peace and hold solid to it. but that is hard to do.
Continue reading ‘flight delayed’
