Written on January 31, 2004 by claire.
Well, we’re admitted. And they didn’t let us have our laptop! Eek! But we might get it on Monday. So, I guess it’s back to writing with pencil… Sigh.
The taxi was too expensive, more than the shuttle would have been, and I had to wait forever after I got here. Oh well.
I am blue around the edges, or maybe all through. I am so lonely. I miss Aeron so much already. It is just kind of drap, and nothing to do without my laptop. My head hurts. I’m cold and lonely. Just blue. I worry that this was the wrong thing to do, I miss my comforts already. I never have to be computerless! It’s terrible!
Continue reading ‘blue around the edges’
Written on January 31, 2004 by katy.
I am here and want to help. i will do my pest i know a lot i am scared but i will speak as i was born to do – someone (katy is my name when i am older more poetic)
Written on January 31, 2004 by claire.
I guess it’s time for chapter two. I’m going back to the hospital, to Del Amo. Flying this time, I’m in the airport now, at the gate. There’s an hour to wait, then an hour flight, then somehow getting from LAX to Del Amo. On a taxi, I think. My mind has been filled with logistics, worry about getting there and getting back. But I’ve done half already; I’m at the first gate.
It’s strange to write in pencil. But I like the tradition of this little leather-bound journal. And I don’t feel like turning on my laptop. Although I could.
Continue reading ‘reacquainting paper’
scared. too scared for anything. don’t know how i’m going to get from the airport to the hospital – the shuttle costs $45, and i don’t see how i can afford that. the woman on the phone said taxis usually cost about $30, but i don’t know if i can trust that, because when i took a taxi to del amo from the train station it was $55 (there was a waiver for it, which they apparently don’t do anymore.) everything’s all finalized for me to go tomorrow though – my flight leaves at 3:30. so i’ll get there in the early evening, which seems good. if i can manage to figure out a way to get there.
Continue reading ‘oh, this is hard’
Written on January 29, 2004 by claire.
we are going to go to del amo. we’re probably going to leave on saturday, but we still have to buy the plane tickets. i’m scared of everything. i’m scared of getting there, i’m scared about what will happen to being in school, i’m scared of talking to kristi who’s going to call me back before i’m officially accepted for treatment. she’s nice, and it’s actually probably going to be so much easier to get there for the second time. but, still, everything is scary.
i’ll take this computer, but sadly, it won’t be able to get online. so i’ll probably upload all the journal entries afterwards. i kind of want to use the pretty little brown leather-bound journal we used last time, but we’ll have a computer, so we won’t really want to write entries out by hand. we’ll see.
Continue reading ‘the upshot is…’
Written on January 27, 2004 by beth.
i’ve been so afraid to write. so afriad to tip the balance one way or another. we are in such danger. even yet, and even yet. we are supposed to be dropping spanish and jazz and modern to try to make the stress levels go down. they’re still high. syntax has homework due every class. and it isn’t stress, it isn’t school, it isn’t just depression.
it’s things bigger than that and i’ve been afraid to write. these are times to hide. rainclouds have visited our island many times. i’ve tried to clear some space. but everyone is infected with this depression, and even if we can lighten that, there’s the other thing to deal with.
Continue reading ‘hellbent’
fuckfuckfuckfuck. aeron watched us during our whole bath tonight. i can’t take this anymore. i can’t. i can’t do it. tomorrow. if we could only learn to lie, or be silent. what the fucking hell is wrong with us?
i am so terribly exhausted, and so terribly afraid.
Written on January 21, 2004 by claire.
we made it through the night – i’m surprised, to be honest. here is the day. test in spanish, running to therapy after class, can’t stand the bike so i’ll have to hope the bus gets me home in time. i don’t know what i’m doing writing an entry, i have only fifteen minutes before i have to be out the door. i’m ready, but still…
i have to pay bills. i have to email the modern dance teacher and let her know why i am dropping. i am going to have such the grind of homework again starting soon. i am afraid i did my syntax homework wrong. i am so afraid…
i wonder what the space is. is there any? for me?
shaky and scared. full of things that could brim out. mommy, mom, please don’t hurt me, please i’m so sorry i’ll be good… please don’t hurt me inside… please, please… get away, away, the floor is only white there are no black squares i SWEAR!!! i could have sworn… and the everything, it’s all on top, closer and farther
away, semitransparent. layering.
Continue reading ‘more space?’
Written on January 20, 2004 by beth.
headache, bad dreams, confusion. i think we might stop taking the modern dance class, because we are always so tired by that time of the day. but we already paid for it, so there is a tug-o’-war. wondering if we should start to take it today? or just give it up for lost? how will we tell how tired we are after jazz? how will we tell if we need to come home?
last night we had two drinks, only two, and tried to drink lots and lots of water, but still my head aches and my mouth tastes bad, even after brushing my teeth. maybe drinking just isn’t worth it. it will be horrible if this hangover interferes with our enjoyment & ability in our dance classes. dammit.
Continue reading ’space’
