Written on October 31, 2003 by sg.
last night it was really hard to sleep. i keep remembering this thing with our mom and it is so hard because people still think she wasn’t the bad one, so they think i’m making it up. that is what i painted the picture about. i cried early in the morning and aeron woke up and hugged us. it was nice then nymph came out and it’s amazing how much aeron loves all of us. i don’t know how they have so much niceness and love in them.
today in greek we were conjugating the verb “to sacrifice”. and someone asked “why did you choose this particular verb?” and everyone was squeamish or giggling. the teacher said, “anyone who is squeamish about sacrificing, greek culture will cure them of that very fast!” and laughed, like it was a big joke. and i know it should have been, but it’s just too close to the dead day and everything and i couldn’t help thinking about nineh and angela. i cried and cried.
Continue reading ‘to cut through flowers’
Written on October 30, 2003 by sg.
we got dance dance revolution max 2 (that is too long of a name!) with the mat and it is so fun! we are dancing and dancing in front of the tv. today we danced two hours, and it was aerobic too, we sweated and everything. it is so much fun and it means aeron must really love us because they took us to get it and they told us we could get it and i just never knew anyone loved us that much to let us get something so frivolous.
school is really really scary. lots of times we have to be out i know it isn’t the bigs fault but it is hard. i hate the people. but today there was a midterm and we skipped our other class so we didn’t have to go to that and because there was a midterm the bigs were out for the class. (wish we could force that always!) but we were scared of the buses and afraid of not finding our way so aeron came with us.
Continue reading ‘just stuff’
i feel tragic and still, the pressing inertia of all this weight. i want to retreat into privacy again so i can speak without worrying. but i can’t have this both unread and read. i can’t have this both possibility-of-criticism-or-disapproval-free, and being-seen-and-cared-about-ful. i feel so incredibly overwhelmed. so still and silent. what do i mean when i always want to say still about this kind of feeling? i’m not sure.
a certain degree of emotion and it just all becomes perfectly still, perfectly silent. wailing and thrashing are for the in-between — or maybe layered between, first the stillness of calm then the complaininess of slight discomfort then the stillness of more discomfort then the wailing of suffering then the stillness of giant, terrifying suffering, then the thrashing of utter and enthralling fear, then the stillness of life-in-danger… you think it stops there? probably not…
Continue reading ‘crack the mirror’
Written on October 28, 2003 by kat.
some kind of desire for creativity is billowing around me like underwater silk (like a shroud?…) last night the kids made a couple of little watercolors.
Continue reading ‘waiting for the spark’
Written on October 28, 2003 by claire.
i’m clinging to life tooth and claw this week. sort of a dammit, we will survive. it is hard. i actually talked to someone inside who wanted to die last night – not a very productive conversation – but it is clear that this person is someone other than me. the whole of the conversation was this:
me: write. please write. don’t make yourself alone with that.
them: there is nothing to say.
me: please say it anyway. don’t lose touch…
them: there is nothing to do
me: please. we have to stay in school. you can’t do this
them: there is nothing to do
Continue reading ‘holding’
the monitor on myriadia, our big computer, shorted out this morning. we discovered the cause was some wax that had dripped there when aeron burned a candle on the shelf above. so, hello more credit card debt (sigh…), and hello, sexy new monitor. i decided i might as well use the opportunity to get a flatscreen. the old one was an 18-inch crt, and this new one is a samsung 17 inch lcd with quite high quality. it has a couple of stuck pixels, so we need to return it and get another, but that is a thing that can wait for monday or so. and other than that, it is quite beautee-ful!
there were many headaches today, the worst of which was the old monitor shorting out, but i prefer to focus on the end result. we got small (the laptop) to finally sync with myriadia, which is wonderful because now we can input flashcards on the big puter, which is much easier to type on.
Continue reading ‘computer woes’
Written on October 24, 2003 by liza.
i thought i was over this. i thought we’d matured. and yes, i know i’ve written about how my loves never die, before. and that’s much easier to take in with someone like kristen, jen (how i miss jen, in particular), malia, chimera, polly. (i still love them all so much.) and it’s not true for my whole system, as well. so it’s easy to forget about.
i am helpless, though. it’s not a crush, it’s not lust. the hundred-odd dykes in the room were all helpless with lust for her, who could help it? of course we want her, everyone does. it’s not adoration, although that comes closer. it’s these helpless, passionate depths of tenderness. it’s completely unreasoning. oh, melissa, i’ve loved you for years, and i’ve grown out of wanting to write you a letter and tell you about it. this thing has no chance to be mutual, and i won’t burden you with the way i feel. but i still love you, even though i’m not seventeen anymore. (isn’t it amazing that was five years ago?)
Continue reading ‘it’s also true what you have heard about me’
i decided not to go to morphology, but to turn in the homework to the teacher’s office. and i only went to a snippet of the other class, to find out what to review / when the review sessions were. and aeron came with us. so… trying not to feel racked with guilt. we will survive.
our knee is really giving us trouble, but hopefully it will go away soon.
we are such a stupid idiot.
i don’t have words. words are beyond me. i tried to get help in therapy yesterday but it was pointless because we used up all the time trying to get an appt with a pdr and then the name they gave us doesn’t actually take medicare and she called us last night and wants us to call the others! (we can’t do that. we can’t. better to die than do that.)
so the brain thought, “ok. sounds like it’s time to die.” and i’m sick of talking it out of it. of course i am [talking us out of it]. if we were going to die we wouldn’t be sitting here talking about it. but fuck. life is too hard.
melissa ferrick is playing tonight in santa cruz and i am really excited but really scared of going to a bar (i’ve never been to one before), of finding the place, and of getting home afterwards (it’s too far to walk, and it’ll be too late for the bus.) and i don’t know how early to leave. i don’t know how popular she is in santa cruz.
Continue reading ‘no way in’
Written on October 22, 2003 by claire.
i did another chunk of the morphology homework due tomorrow, this morning, and that is a bit of a weight off my mind. of course, there’s still more of it ahead. but hopefully i will have time this evening. mornings really are better, but it’s hard to trust in that. i keep thinking i’ll ruin the betterness of my mornings by putting too much weight on them. if i count on mornings to get my homework done, what if the weight of that makes the mornings just as hard as the evenings?
it does, sometimes. but luckily i got some done today, and not a moment too soon since it’s due tomorrow.
i have therapy today and i’m going to ask her to help us make an appointment with a pdr. because i do not want life to continue this way. i’ll try anything that might help, at this point.
