i’m not sure if this will become a journal entry. electronic music was supposed to start two minutes ago. it seems to be sort of starting. but i might come back here periodically and say things… because i need that. it’s like being with myself. we could never take notes without talking to each other. without words, life is too lonely. and it’s easier to hear the talking if we write it down. we’ve always loved to write, especially to type. words outside of our own head are sensuous and comforting. to be not alone. to be with our words.
i love thinking no one will ever read this. a constant renewal of reassurance. it’s always getting refreshed… our tone will start to slip, then suddenly again rememberance: no one will see. it doens’t matter what we say. we could say the most insane things possible. no one will see.
Continue reading ‘these long days at school’
Written on September 29, 2003 by cynthia.
we got the rush hour expansion pack in the mail today. it is neat.
oh i don’t know what i’m saying. i wanted to say that i managed to stay above the waves, mostly, today. that the bus was relaxed and the class was good and the computer was good and the sun was out. that there is just one more stupid little tally for ability.
i dunno. who knows. it’s late.
i am sitting here waiting for greek class to begin. i saw noah on the bus – it is *so* much easier to take the bus than to ride my bike. i am so reluctant to ride again. but anyway, it’s not important. this week, we’ve decided, is a grace week. i’m riding the bus until i get used to stuff.
i weighed myself again this morning, the first time in a month, and i’ve gained weight, not lost it. so it’s time for something new for me to stick to. this time, i want to continue with the bike riding, but only eat three meals a day. they can be perfectly normal, but no extra food at other times. i am hoping it will work.
Continue reading ‘greek class’
i’m lonely, empty, depressed, scared, and i want to die. i don’t know what’s going on anymore. i feel so unsafe and unloved. i feel so stupid and i hate myself so much. i just don’t know what to do. i want to focus on school, but there’s nothing to do for school and i’m terrified of it. life just seems so drab and impossible. there’s nothing to look forward to ever. i might as well die. i am so sick of myself. i hate myself. i want to cry but i don’t know what is wrong with me. i want to be strong and be good and go to school. i’m depressed because i feel like i’ll never be able to make friends. that’s not because of my hurts suffered – i just am a bad person in that regard. i really am not going to try anymore. i’m not going to try to make friends anymore. i’m going to be complete in myself. i’m going to try to stop needing. it’s dumb to be a social being when i am not capable of it.
Continue reading ’stupid and cut short’
Written on September 28, 2003 by kat.
restless, searching. trying to find a crevice to settle into, but there’s only the new cold and clouds of autumn. a continually empty feeling, bodily, eating or not. food doesn’t seem to take away the physical hunger, and we need to grocery shop. unintentionally, hours creep past hungry. not going to go there, this time. at the end of the month (soon, soon) there will be another weighing. if it isn’t down, then we’ll talk.
this new season is not satisfying, or maybe it is. maybe what i need to fill me is a new kind of emptiness. drifting friendless – me and aeron, bonded atoms alone. alone and safe from eyes on the internet. no email, no web. a season of culling, a sort of harvest, using the scythe to pare away, unplanting. continually hungry, very slightly cold, always lonely. security.
Continue reading ‘autumn berries’
we’re in our safe place. it is strange and wonderful to be here and online, here alone but connected just a little to the world, just a thread. i can close the curtain and make everything be clean. just to the right of me is a rainbowy list to help when we are feeling bad, but it has a big black inked-out part where we had to cross dani’s name off. it was a pathetically small list of who we could talk to anyway, but now one of the three names is conspicuously gone.
the light is dim and even though it’s on my lap, the computer pixels are so tiny that i had to keep our glasses on. it is… safe, though. i’m amazed to feel it wash over me. a tiny safe corner. just like small… tiny, helpful, and safe.
Continue reading ’secreted away’
Written on September 26, 2003 by cynthia.
heehee! i am on the line on my brand new tiny baby little computer! it is a little bit hard to type but it is okay really. this is so exciting! it is so tiny and baby and little you wouldn’t believe. it will be so easy to have with me anywhere. i am not really sure what to say. this is just so exciting.
we went to therapy earlier. and we had greek, at 11 this morning. we’re basically just learning the alphabet for the first class. the teacher seems really disorganized but nice. our other teachers seem pretty nice too. i think it will be a good quarter.
Continue reading ‘hee hee!’
Written on September 26, 2003 by claire.
today i have greek, and then therapy. i’m scared because it is a scary thing to bike in all the traffic and commotion. it’s a lot of hills going down, on the way home, and i’m terrified that i’m going to fall. and there’s this one terrible hill that i just don’t know how to avoid, going there or back. the only way to avoid it is to go way out of my way.
what i’m most excited about for today is that my laptop is supposed to get here. yay! it probably won’t before i leave, which is sad, but it will be here sometime, and that is very cool. it will be really nice to have it for next week. it would have made yesterday so much less tedious.
Continue reading ‘because i’m bad’
half an hour or so to go. not sure what to do. thinking about things. yesterday, sometime, going to the bathroom and smelling it. (why is this in your head now?) and having that be familiar in a horrible way. don’t know what (as always) but it was daylight-familiarity. not that the thing happened in the daylight world, but that it was an undeniable, real sort of association. one that is hard to deny, because it is real and commonplace, and i don’t know. i’m not articulating myself well. but it kind of chilled me. because yes, it’s very reasonable that i have horrible associations with the ugly ammonia smell of urine, and it just struck home that something there is probably very real.
Continue reading ‘thrill of privacy’
Written on September 25, 2003 by claire.
it’s ten-thirty, and i have class not far from here at noon. i went to go buy my books, but there were none – probably mostly readers that haven’t been printed yet. and the music class seemed to have a textbook, but it was on order and said september 29. so. here i am just as idle as at home, typing on an imac. macs make me think of fucking dani. bleh. but anyway… i’m not sure quite what to do with myself. i took the bike trailer up – it was good. mission st is awful though. after this i’m going to take side streets there. and i’m still not quite sure what the most direct route is from social sciences to the music center. this time i came via the bookstore, and that was good, but i doubt it’s the very fastest way.
Continue reading ‘haven’t even had a class yet’
