i love beth. she is so awesome. i love the part of being a multiple where you can be a fan of “an aspect of yourself” (forgive the phrasing) without being egotistical. if i make them into me i hate us all, but if i can make them into other they are so sweet and wonderful. which is a back door into loving myself. but no, what i really want to say, is i am just a huge beth fan. she is so kind and smart. “i want to cry, realizing we have always been reasonable.” i was reading our journal and those words really hit home. and she’s been so cool lately, this saviour, this voice of reason. i don’t see how she can be so fucking smart. i’m not that smart.
Continue reading ’straight girls wish they were dykes’
Archive for August, 2003
aeryn, thank you. thank you for being here with us, for still finding 160 pounds of us sexy, for talking to us for hours because we are too depressed to do anything, for making us playlists like presents, for telling us that we are real, that we couldn’t have made anything up (that we are the ocean), for cooking us fried rice, for putting neosporin on our cuts instead of yelling, for the bike, for going places with us on it, for buying ice cream for the littles, for having patience, for understanding, for being there with each person who comes out like they are important and liked, for reassuring them/us, for putting becky’s picture up on the fridge, for making piglet dance for us, for everything, everything, i could go on forever. for making us feel loved every day.
Continue reading ‘by the way’
something she said – about how even when it slips away, having found it makes it easier to find again. this swooping depression is not the same as before, because there was progress – there were better times. and i almost feel a lift, that goes and comes like a gauzy curtain in a breeze. this morning, i know how heavy it weighed, and right now… i wouldn’t say i’m fabulous, i wouldn’t say things are quite okay. but i feel real, and i don’t feel like there’s anything wrong when i experience pain rather than depression. i am so grateful for anything under that black blanket, even if it is tears, anger, horror, fear. at least it is not crippling depression. and as time goes by i understand us more and more.
Continue reading ‘treats me like a ragdoll’
tonight i guess i’m begging to be heard.
i don’t want to be selfish, stupid, don’t want to be a baby, don’t want to annoy anyone, but oh i am having such a fucking hard time and i want to die so badly so badly and i cry these days only because it seems so unfair that i know i won’t die, i know i can’t die, it is utterly hopeless when even the thought of an end would be a sliver of comfort, i’d reach out for help but what could anyone do, there’s just nothing to hold onto… living through it i’m supposed to think-remember “it gets better again” but the reality is it just gets worse again… the down-times are always longer and more pervasive than the ups… the ups are not that nice and i just can’t do it anymore i want to give up i am a whiny baby i want to give up but there is no giving up and it isn’t fair
i am so out of touch, lately. i need to say some words. i am trembling with what i can’t seem to say.
i am out of touch with the world and with everything else. people are emailing me – not so much, but i can’t seem to answer anything or say anything to anyone. i think part of why i’ve been so quiet here is because it’s too much like talking to people. and i’m not thinking the word ‘isolation’ so much because it doesn’t even enter into my head (much) to interact with people at all. i seem to have drifted away from absolutely everyone, and if i don’t read your journal or answer your mail, i promise there’s no malice aforethought.
i missed both groups this weekend.
Continue reading ‘out of touch’
when there’s no in or up to give, left. god, that wears thin. no wonder there’s the impulse towards drama: it is only the instinct of self-preservation. i want to spin it big: it is this desolate, something will give. i give in, i give up. i quit. and it is true that there is no future and it is this desolate, but the options are all gone, there is nothing left but old and tired, and there is no forgiveness for the trap of my mind anymore, because i have worn them all down. at least nonchalance is better than anger.
desperate still feels desperate when there are no options and little drama.
the main thing is we’ve tried enough to know we’re not enough – skilled, whatever. so, fuck, where do we go now?
today is what i want the rest of my life to be.
i want to savor it here and press it for memory so i can have this, sparkling clear, so i can know that thriving is possible. (funny that i am writing this in the middle of a huge bout of depression… i guess it’s an island.) i’m not good at describing events but i want to always remember this day, so bear with how boring i am.
Continue reading ‘no particular place to be’
this quiet is the quiet of despair.
it hurts to be going through this. i don’t like it. i want it to go away. it’s not really all of us, it just seems that way. it’s cynthia, and chris, and bitch, and firebrand, and claire even, and who the hell knows. it’s bubbling and boiling in us, a burning hurt resentment and i have no ability to judge anything at all. i have no idea how much is appropriate, but i’m sure mostly none of it is. i could wring aeryn’s neck again and again. i just want to kill them. their ways just get on my nerves – the way they tell me what to do in my game (not that i mind help – it’s the way they do it, and when they suggest things that clearly betray they don’t understand what’s going on.) the way they ask to take over with a masterful air, as if their solution is perfect, and then it’s maddening whether they succeed or fail, because if they fail it proves my point that was making me resentful, and if they succeed i am wrong.
Continue reading ‘(fast and loose with pronouns)’
she brings me spanish clementine
i eat them by the waterside
throw the peels and taste the clean
how could i still feel so mean
take this meanness out of me
take this meanness out of me
take this meanness out of me
oh whoa whoa
oh whoa whoa
oh whoa whoa
i got a black heart today
no amount of kindness’ll turn it the other way
even the dogs are tired of me
howling at the trees
take this meanness out of me
take this meanness out of me
take this meanness out of me
oh whoa whoa
oh whoa whoa
oh whoa whoa
i got a black heart today…
(black heart today by amy ray.)
