Written on July 23, 2003 by claire.
it wasn’t until it was really back, really in my house, really alive and familiar and friendly, that i realized how much i missed my computer. aeryn gave me theirs as much as i wanted, but it was unfamiliar and unfriendly. it didn’t suffice. i was away from my spam filter that i’ve trained so nicely (it caught 774 spam out of 1037 messages total since the last time i checked mail), which meant email was way too much work to deal with. it is a great thing but it is not portable, which makes using imap rather silly, doesn’t it? but i’ve tried to get the thing working with procmail or other serverly things, and i was hopelessly lost. i couldn’t make procmail work at all.
oh, but here i am, and how long has it been! i feel comforted and excited and me again.
Continue reading ‘myself again’
Written on July 15, 2003 by katy.
after all, the night has a welcome taste, and i’m hungry for words again. which words i don’t know, but… there must be some, somewhere.
a week or so ago someone cut, delicately, with restraint. the scabs are just now turning into flaky red scars, a unsatisfyingly small lapse in almost fourteen months of abstinence. things keep sliding, that direction, and the ground is firm-packed and slippery. doing my best to stay still or slow the slide looks like a lack, but there’s a current that we’re fighting.
it’s a variety of things. it’s my computer waiting to be fixed, and reluctance to use this slightly-unfamiliar one despite aeryn’s assurances that i should treat it as mine for the time being. if ever the two of us both desire a console or a computer at the same time, i always give in. i can’t seem to help it. it’s the best i can do to set timers for something very hotly contested. for the most part, i just find something else to do. i’ve been acting like i did when i was eleven and spending my days re-reading lmm books, over and over and over. occasionally i reflect on how deeply these books have affected ourselves and our system, how very very much they pulled us through our childhood, more than narnia, more than anything else. i don’t know why we fastened on them so, but i believe they did us good and not harm.
Continue reading ‘(un)comfortably numb’
Written on July 4, 2003 by cynthia.
we got the second heroes expansion (we never got the first one but that’s okay!). it is fun because aeryn is making us a campaign to play. also there’s new default campaigns. aeryn and us split the cost so it wasn’t too much. lizbeth was dying to go to hot topic so we did. and these were there:
Continue reading ‘well that’s just waking up’
Written on July 3, 2003 by matt.
how solicitous the world is of me. but what do i say to them? how do you answer emails that chide you for not coming out? come out shamefacedly and say “here i am?” i could do that, and i have done that right now. but for all its requests, the world doesn’t seem to want me anymore. i’d like to find a way to participate. i have a lovely fuzzy head. but the world seems too large and grand for me. but here i am, and dani and abigail, i love you and i am here and you are sweet geese for chiding me so.
we’ve been overdosing on lmm, i think is the problem with our style. although you’d be harder-pressed than in the past to find the correlations.
Continue reading ‘i won’t let go’
Written on July 2, 2003 by claire.
i have been indulging in a feast of fat things – i have been reading most of lm montgomery’s books again, because i want the comfort. i love them and it feels like they love me back. and the tears come so ready when i read them. the littlest things make me cry – the smallest kindnesses of one loving character to another, and their griefs too. i think ‘house of dreams’ is really one of the best ‘anne’ books. lmm is so good at weaving various people’s stories together… when she writes about adults / in a slightly more adult fashion, i think she is a better than she ever got to show. aeryn asks me why i read those books, because they seem so boring. but there is a lot of wisdom and compassion in those pages, more than even i give her credit for. as a children’s author she should have a place on every bookshelf. hmph.
Continue reading ‘a feast of fat things’
my legs and soul ache tonight. as usual. my brother is visiting my mother and he called; i have to figure out if i can stand to visit her, for the sake of visiting him. i talked to her briefly – she didn’t much want to talk to me and i feel sure she must know how awfully i’ve spoken of her and that is why she doesn’t call or want to talk anymore. but i don’t know what to do about my brother. i wonder if he’ll ever turn into a person i can talk to on a real level? or will i always have to hide for the sake of family? i am heartsick because i see how much my mom compares the two of us, and finds me lacking. my brother is a good person, but i don’t know that he has that exceptional edge, but i think for all that he will do better than me, because he will be steady and dependable and loyal and not ruin everything for everyone the way i did.
Continue reading ‘heartsick seems to be the word’
