Written on April 30, 2003 by cynthia.
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | happy rhodes, when the rain came down ]
so i got a few video games, and it’s… really, um, nice, to just be. nothing to worry about, nothing pressing at me, just me and tropico pirate cove (omg which is SO FUN, so much more fun than tropico 1!). or me and (blush) monopoly tycoon, which is pretty fun and i keep wanting devon to play with me but he’s all enthralled with this really cool game that’s kind of like final fantasy, but better, it’s called xenosaga. i started a game last night but it’s aeryn’s so mostly they’ll have the ps2 during the day, and me the computer.
Continue reading ‘i miss being shallow’
Written on April 29, 2003 by morgan.
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | alien ant farm, smooth criminal ]
oh la, what am i writing about? i am bored and scared and stuff. i have a paid livejournal so i want to use it but i don’t know what to use it for or what to do or stuff. cynfia downloaded a client so we can write in it like in a program and it is weird. this little program is pretty cool though and it is pretty cool to have a paid account.
Continue reading ‘whee’
Written on April 29, 2003 by cynthia.
[ mood | anxious ]
so i have these huge chunks of time, suddenly. and it didn’t make the suicidal go away. it won’t happen, i’m pretty sure. but it dogs me.
Continue reading ‘free?’
in a curious in-between, halting, yearning place. it is not that i am drowning, but i am not swimming, not floating, not sailing. quiet and quiet, at least the feeling, although chatter varies. sometimes quiet means too much noise, not enough words, not enough in the right places. i feel pretentious, distanced, tired, lonely. oh, the same old places visited again and again. and though there are many more than three hundred and sixty angles, this place never changes much.
my headphones on my ears mostly so the plot of the video game next to me won’t be spoiled. i think they contribute to this sad, dreamy distance. i feel a little helpless, gangly, like a juvenile deer, not just too long and too many limbs, but no place really, no belonging.
Continue reading ‘gently here by me’
Written on April 26, 2003 by cynthia.
[ mood | gloomy ]
aeryn cooked french toast for breakfast out of trader joe’s cinnamon bread. it was really good, i had two slices, but i feel so bloated and depressed now. kerry got a comment in her photo-journal telling her how fat she is and it’s true, i know we are fat, but the thing that pissed us off is she never claims to be anorexic. and this person was acting like she didn’t have a right to have her site just because we are fat. and i know that the person didn’t even read the site at all, just probably searched for “thinspiration” (that’s how everyone gets there) and got to motivation.html, and then followed the photo link. and never read the introduction. never read any of it. just made assumptions. but it’s still hard because we can feel two thick slices of french toast just… sitting heavy inside us.
Continue reading ‘fucking depressed’
Written on April 25, 2003 by cynthia.
[ mood | discontent ]
i am increasingly dissatisfied with our therapist. i am so sick of worrying that it’s just me. i really want to get another therapist without stopping seeing jayla, just to see if it could be different. but we are having such a hard time and i just really don’t feel like she’s helping. i feel so much like she is my enemy these days. i am sick of worrying that it’s just my verycrazy perception. she thinks we’ve been getting work done. she thinks we have a tendency to minimize what therapy helps with.
Continue reading ‘increasingly dissatisfied’
Written on April 24, 2003 by cynthia.
lately, many times, there is this triple echo in my head.
dw i ddim eisiau byw.
no quiero vivir.
i don’t want to live.
Written on April 23, 2003 by cynthia.
things are tenatively looking up. i don’t know that the danger of suicide has entirely passed, but i think things are definitely a bit better.
this morning was both frustrating and rewarding. it was frustrating because i tried to do various geekly things and wasn’t able to get any of them working. rewarding because they were (for me) hardcore geekly, and because even if i didn’t actually succeed in my endeavor, i am closer to understanding, and can continue my quest at some later point.
Continue reading ‘thwarted geekery’
Written on April 22, 2003 by kerry.
[ mood | relieved ]
*she said cautiously* maybe the crisis is past.
two days after easter. y’know. we always roughly hit the mark… before or after.
but i’m shaken by how close it came.
Written on April 22, 2003 by cynthia.
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | neighbor's running water ]
i can sense kerry. i think this is a good thing. it is her and me and me and her and… yawning emptiness. i don’t know that i could talk to her directly. but i feel her, there. i think it’s like we can both see the front right now, but there’s still a barrier between each other.
Continue reading ‘well… it’s getting better all the time?’
