Written on January 30, 2003 by claire.
i am looking at words and words over the years, i chose and played these songs for this album we’re going to make all in order and i am looking at all of my words, not just songs but those, too. old notyou entries. emails, journals. poems, all of it.
i’m so struck by how authentic we have always been. how earnest, how true, how conscientiously we’ve always tried. and not given ourselves credit. but here i am struck and i kind of want to cry, because of how little kindness we’ve ever been able to allow ourselves.
Continue reading ‘although i am not very real’
i reach to you
you can’t know how much i think of you
i would give so much if i knew how to give it
i want to learn you
i would learn you by osmosis, i would learn as many as would talk to me
i know that very few of you do i know
but i am silly and sweeping and include all, all, in my tenderness and in my caring.
Continue reading ‘i can’t wait for clues to you’
i will make myself
a lover out of pixels
and i will feed them my hunger
and they will kiss me
why am i, rich as anyone has a right to be,
so starved?
my pixel-one will be everything
i want except
real
Written on January 27, 2003 by kat.
i wrote a song today. well, i wrote the lyrics, and julian wrote the music. but it isn’t him that sings it, it is my my song. you didn’t know i had a voice did you? neither did i.
but oh, i am brimming full of ideas and a million more songs and everything is so possible! i want to buy a domain name, apparently most permutations of “the myriad” are taken, but something, and i want to produce a cd. a demo. and i could have mp3s. and i could go to open mics. and i just suddenly see all these possibilities for this life i’ve always wanted.
Continue reading ‘full of magic’
Written on January 27, 2003 by claire.
i am so happy today, with my nice music all ready for me to listen to all day, and just more and more, everything. there are words but i don’t know how to say them. i just seem to be having such good luck. i feel so much more connected than i did even a week ago. i still don’t have all the time in the world for email, but just listening to music makes me feel connected, to the chimera, and there’s polly’s journal to read with so many updates which is such a treat, and other journals too, and i guess the difference is that if i had some time to read clique and dp, i would feel comfortable posting. i am growing into myself, losing awkwardness along the way.
Continue reading ‘giggling and dizzy’
i need to bleed and i don’t know why, but oh it is so tangible so much too much hatemyself hatehate myself red redred i need it i need to be lonelier i need to be heard
i need to bleed, to bleed torrents
rivers bloodfalls like waterfalls
i need to drain my lifeblood
Continue reading ‘it’s such a strain, to find the strength within’
Written on January 25, 2003 by claire.
i don’t know what it is that i want to say.
today is a day of music, which is lovely. our mp3 player arrived and is (finally) working, and we put the happy rhodes cd’s from chimera on it, and have been listening to them intently. printed out the lyrics, and just lying on the couch listening and reading lyrics if we don’t understand. too often music never gets a person’s full attention, but is merely background from the beginning. this music, which pierces me, shall get what it deserves.
Continue reading ‘today it starts and tomorrow it ends’
as the title says, this entry is mostly from a connor visit.
Continue reading ‘mostly connor’
Written on January 24, 2003 by claire.
the past week-ish has been very hectic, but it’s more like life the way i know it returning. a little more drama than usual perhaps, with the beth and the switching and the memories. but in a way, it’s like the world is asserting itself and the real pattern of days is showing. there’s no held breath, and it’s almost comfortable, to have things return to normal. where normal is the drama, for lack of a better word.
it’s like, these things go on anyway. but i had managed somehow to shut myself off from them, and i was perpetually confused and lost. it was like not touching the ground, being always alone in my head, never knowing why i felt what i felt. being out of touch.
Continue reading ‘a toe on the ground’
i have to come to terms with a new kind of alone which i thought we were so close with them to cracking. so close to understanding – that higher level, that elusive balance.
when he said that jareth and sarah (in the film) didn’t have it quite right – or that she didn’t – she didn’t know that such a relationship could be sustainable, that there was another ending to her fairytale, not simply ousting the villain. he said fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave
and the way they understood, yes him but especially all of them too, was perfect they were him they were him they were and i could be so much better than sarah.
Continue reading ‘it is all gone’
