i think you’re bitter about a past grudge and trying to over-compensate by “proving” how much better you are, and how much you accomplish and self-sacrifice, but we all quite too clearly through that screen, hon.

cut the shit about telling others what to do.

cheerio!

As a member of the AM group, I will add that I thought it was inappropriate to have a baby in a support group where intense emotions are often felt and memories and other deep topics are discussed. I believe that babies hear things and even if they do not understand on the level we do, I strongly believe that what they hear does go into their subconscious. Additionally, I didn’t feel comfortable at all subjecting a child to such an environment where intense emotions and the energy in the room at times can be stressful due to the triggering content. Of course not every group is like that, but usually at least one person’s share is and at times the entire group is intense. In my opinion, children of any age can pick up the feelings and energy in their surroundings and I just didn’t feel comfortable having a baby there. If you wanted to come alone that would have been perfectly fine with the group.

I realize that you said you really needed the support at the time. I’m sure you did and I’m sure you didn’t and couldn’t leave your baby either. However, I stand behind Myriad and the rest of the group members who felt that it wasn’t appropriate or healthy for a baby or child to attend group with his or her parent. This was my primary concern, but there were also other factors involving the logistics of any baby in an environment.

Julie

I think someone put it very well that I can parent part time and it is probably good for me but I have no more psychological reserve.

If I didn’t have a child I don’t think I would be doing even as well as I am.

Myriad’s you are doing much more than you were able to do in the past and you have to take care of your basic needs to be able to do anything else. It would be nice if instead of calling us lazy they tried to accommodate so we could contribute as much as we can. It is not like it is easy being disabled.

Keep working at it look at all the things you have already done and you weren’t sure if you would be able.

I think disableism and stigma especially of mental health problems is alive and well.

also, student services are not why tuition spikes have happened in the past decade-a growing administrative class is. salaries for mid-level staff have become significant financial burdens on higher ed institutions. also, the decline in public funding for higher ed has trickled down quickly to students, making the out-of-pocket costs bear the burden of financing higher ed rather than states and the federal government making education a fiscal priority. at any rate, it is ill-advised to blame students who need accommodations to gain an education for soaring tuition rates.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle work after graduation as well. I work now, a lot, I have ridiculous medication expenses and no prescription insurance, and without medication I’m a wreck. But all of these “jobs” are part-time and if I have one of those days when I feel horrible and trapped and sick and suffocating and can’t get out of bed and can’t stop crying I can just take time off and no one will say anything. But… in the “real job” world that won’t fly. I get so anxious over opening e-mail it’s ridiculous. Most of the time I can’t pick up the phone unless it’s my parents or my husband. And I’m always feeling sick, some days are just better than others, and there are hours of the day when nothing hurts. Coming to every class is a huge effort, always, and often I don’t make it in. I’m trying not to think of what happens when I’m out of school and can’t pay back the shit tons of money that I owe…

For now I’ll just keep playing the game where I pretend like I know what’s going on in classes, make stupid jokes in class and in response to someone being a snooty know it all, and try not to miss classes. Close my eyes, and start walking across the freeway that school is. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get to the other side alive.

-hugs- you’ll make it because you want to and because you’re dedicated. The fact that you have to work harder than most other people to be where you are means you are strong, in ways many other people can’t even imagine. There’s no struggle more difficult that that which goes on within, but it’s the hardest struggle for many others to understand. I guess I shouldn’t be annoyed at people’s lack of empathy… They aren’t doing it on purpose, they just don’t know.

you know, i was really functional for a long time. and for me that was choosing “what should be” (i need to be going to school, taking care of my girlfriend, functioning) over “what is” (i am dying inside, running on empty, poisoning myself). i was lucky enough to have that choice. i don’t anymore, but that’s neither here nor there.

and that was tough. but you know what’s tougher? listening to myself. allowing myself to be all the “bad” things i’m not supposed to be. at least for us. that is so much harder. and every time, i think, we’d choose it the other way. we’d get over it, move on, and ignore all the little nagging snags until we broke down again, pretended it was unrelated, got back up, and started all over again.

and i guess i’m saying this for 2 reasons. one, i think that the idea that someone is “choosing” not to function is … i mean if they could, wouldn’t they? and if by some miracle they can. they can put it all away and kick those parts of themselves out, is that better? for who? do we owe it to somebody to be as functional as possible? as detached and “over” our emotions as possible?

and for us, there has never been an “over”, just a “later” and a “subtler” and a million little cuts over time so you can’t trace the source.

and this is all rambling but myriad you are, as always, inspiring to us in ways we want to grow. or something.

love,
edges