http://www.shiveringnaked.org Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:39:45 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en what drives us to write is usually a feeling, which can end up in just a lot of descriptors. i am disconnected and ungainly. i am not quite real, soap-bubble, this life is not solid. i am scared and tired. i am hurting (back spasm for ~20 hours) and alone. ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2489 i feel unbelievably heavy today. it's the heaviness of panic, which is a strange thing. panic can be a drive to motion which in some ways is the oppose of being heavy. but the flitting sinks from my chest to my stomach like a stone. it's like motorized ball bearings ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2487 This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2484 This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2477 i feel stunned. boneless as water, nothing, nothing. i don't know why i don't do things. http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2475 please, please. i've grown too restrained. i want to pour out a flood and i'm painfully embarrassed. please, no, i don't know, yes. i want to erase the words that don't make sense or aren't original enough. i didn't used to do that. i poured out a lot more words. ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2474 edges pointed out in our therapy monday that we've gone unprecedented amounts of time without writing. part of that is that we go to twitter more, part is school, etc etc. but edges seems to think we're avoiding. it's hard, i think, because avoiding feels like the virtuous thing to ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2470 anything but self. convince yourself you can't afford it. convince yourself it will be better later. tell yourself this is more important, this, this, this again. above all, do not be still. do not be with yourself. do not rest. do not breathe. do not cry or break down. it ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2467 heavy head, hollowed out pain, i have a second-to-last therapy appointment in a little bit and i don't want to go. what's the point? what else is there about the leaving to say? it's over and we want to cauterize, harden, not feel and explore. that's that. so you don't ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2465 i don't know how to approach. their silence, intense and compressed, living as a stone in the belly or the throat.  it radiates, it has gravity, and it tamps me down so i am slinking towards them, slow, on the ground, chest hugging stone. and even that only gets me ... http://www.shiveringnaked.org/?p=2460