we’d been dreading today, going back to work after the weekend. there are a lot of good reasons to be afraid of work, and i don’t mean to belittle them by saying i don’t know why. but i don’t know which of many pressing possible reasons actually applies – i mean always, always it’s a combination, but the most prominent. if there is one. often there is. partly it was because we had such a bad day on friday. (ugh, i don’t even want to think about friday.)
actually, friday was kind of funny, because when we got home we got in the bath with a book and a razor, which we commonly do – we like to cut best in the bath, and we usually try to see if just taking a bath with the razor on the side of the tub will suffice. it usually does. we felt worse than usual, though, and people were very determined to cut. but the book we grabbed (because we have to return it to the library very soon) was ‘the mindful way through depression’ and after reading that and thinking about ways to inhabit our body more, it just didn’t seem right to then assault our body. we laughed at ourselves for the combination, though.
anyway, it was partly friday, it was partly worries that somehow our boss is mad at us and something bad is going to happen. like our boss thinks we’re not producing enough work, and we’ll get fired. and that worry is still there, but…
when we woke up before the alarm this morning, and referencing clocks that didn’t take daylight savings time into account, we just got up and did our normal morning routine. and left about 40 minutes early. and i don’t know. sometimes we try to check in with ourselves and be present and it doesn’t happen or it just feels awful so we stop. or sometimes someone inside will complain and so the fronts are trying to learn to listen and back off when they need to. but sometimes it means connecting with a deep well of it-will-be-ok. of acceptance or whatever. all the words to talk about it are so hackneyed. i always see it as a slow, slow spring seeping up through sand. (apparently these are called seepage springs. and damn it, i wanted something that sounded good.) and i feel my chest expanding.
i realized it’s my boss’s job to give me work to do. if i communicate to him that i am finishing my task, he will give me something else to do. i guess i’ve been afraid that i was taking too much time or too little, that i somehow am not showing enough initiative, that when this task ends there will be nothing for me to do and he will fire me. put into words, that sounds a little silly (though i don’t mean to put myself down by saying that.) but it’s much more powerful in our head. and i feel much more free. like i’ve been making my job bigger than i should, or something. or comparing myself too much to others, who work full-time.
i don’t know. i feel like all this is too prosaic to talk about. but it is so rarely that i feel ok.
